Long Distance Family

[TheBaldyDad]

Hi all,

I was wondering whether you could help me with a difficult predicament I find myself in. I am a new Dad and live with my wife.

I have a brother who lives a 4 hour drive away, with a Mum that lives 5 hours away in a different direction.

After losing a lot of close family in recent years, the family I have left have become even more important to me to keep hold of and not upset.

My family want to come up and visit my little one, whilst I have explained to my Mum that the likelihood is she wont be able to stay in the house, my brother seems persistent on staying in the house, even after explaining how me and my wife feel and the difficulties that me and my wife would have trying to cater for him and his girlfriend whilst focusing on packing/prepping to get yourselves and the little one out of the door. His responses were that he isn’t phased and that he’d sleep in the garage if need be.

In normal circumstances, I wouldn’t feel terrible pushing back a little bit. However, with little immediate family left, I’m worried about causing problems with those I care about most that are left. Secondly, he’s explained to me that he’s not financially flexible as he’s saving for a house and can’t afford to pay for a hotel and the travel to get himself and my Mum there.

If my brother was to come and stay, he would be responsible for bringing my Mum who lives 4 and a half hours away from him. Then from there, they would have to travel 5 hours to get to my house. My Mum has MS and isn’t as outgoing since she was diagnosed with her condition (although I think she plays on it from time to time as awful as that sounds).

We only have one spare bedroom in our house now. My wife solely breastfeeds the little one. All of her family live within a stone’s throw and doesn't understand the dynamic of long distance family except through my experiences. So in the same breathe, it’s very easy for her to tell everyone to get a hotel.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I love my Wife, Mum and Brother very much. But the stress of this situation is battering me and I don’t know who to turn to. So I was hoping you could help.

Thanks,

Why couldn't your mum stay in the spare room, and your brother on a sofa/ air bed downstairs? Make it clear that you won't be running around after them, although your brother saying he isn't phased just sounds to me like he wants to see you and isn't expecting you to, unless there's some background there

I would always let close family stay in the house, I wouldn't dream of expecting them to get a hotel, specially if money is tight. Just as long as they have realistic expectations about you not running round after them. Can't you ask you wife to chill out about it?

Could you arrange an Airbnb or hotel for them? If your Mum has MS, it’s important that she’s comfortable and she may need to rest/have some downtime during her visit.

@CloudBuster66 Some of us much prefer staying hotels though! After some awful nights in my in-laws basement, when none of us (family of four) slept properly, we always declare that we’re staying in a hotel/Airbnb, no arguments! Same in my SIL’s house, I’m not sleeping on an air mattress when there’s a Holiday Inn close by. 🤣

If your mum wants and can afford, she can do a hotel. Or she gets the spare room. And your brother can go on the floor in the spare room or a tent outside. When kids are bigger he can go on the sofa, but when I was breastfeeding and up and down weird hours with a newborn I’d have struggled with someone in my living room.

You can also assess if there is a local friend or relative who can put one or both of them up.