Regret over not being a mum

[ChloeBx]

I don't know where to start, I feel like my life has passed me by.

I'm 41 and have been in a relationship for almost 15 years, when I first started seeing my OH he had a vasectomy behind my back within the first few weeks of us dating, we saved to get this reversed and was told it had worked.

My OH went doctors as despite me not being on a pill for years I've never been close to becoming pregnant, now the Dr has said my OH has a very low sperm count and it was a miracle he fathered any children (he has two from a previous relationship).

I feel as though I have missed my chance of being a parent, my OH is very loving and supportive but I wonder if he has lied to me in anyway as I've had to literally badger him to go to the Drs re his sperm results etc. He never wants sex, and I feel as though I am his mum and we are just mates most of the time, we do love each other but something is missing and now I feel all torn up that I have wasted my best years (my 30s) and I have nothing to show for it and have missed my chance of conceiving.

Can anyone give me any advice or have they ever felt this way? I'm torn as to what to do.

This situation is deeply unfair to you, and you have every right to question everything. The fact that he had a vasectomy behind your back is a massive breach of trust, and for many people, that alone would be unforgivable. It also makes one thing abundantly clear—he did not want more children. That fact should frame how you view everything else that’s happened since.

Are you absolutely certain he had the reversal? Have you seen medical proof, like a sperm test? If not, it’s entirely possible that he never had it reversed at all—or worse, that he had another vasectomy without telling you. His reluctance for intimacy could also be a deliberate way to avoid pregnancy.

If you’ve fallen into a dynamic where you’re acting like his mother, that may also explain his resistance. If he feels like you’re taking care of him, he may have no interest in stepping up as a parent again—especially if it means sharing your focus with a child.

How important is motherhood to you? If this is something you know you’ll regret not pursuing, then it’s time to take action. Natural conception at 41 is possible but challenging, and if having a child is your priority, you should explore all your options—donor egg, sperm, embryo, surrogacy, or adoption.

Most importantly, you do not need a partner to make this happen. If he is standing in the way of your dreams, ask yourself: Are you willing to risk missing out on motherhood for the sake of this relationship? If the answer is no, then it’s time to focus on what you want and take control of your future.

if he’s got a low count then there isn’t much chance of getting pregnant. Have you discussed ivf? 41 is still young enough to have a baby.

I was with him when he had the reversal so I know it was done.

On motherhood, I have days where I really wish I was a mum but I feel as though because I have resigned myself to the fact I will never have children if I'm just feeling this way as everyone around me has a family,

I have spoken to my OH about all this and his response if he wouldn't want children with anyone else but me? I don't know how to read this.

The lack of sex has been an issue for a few years, I tell him and then he over compensates and acts like he wants me and then it's back to normal. I don't feel wanted or desired AT ALL....I actually crave for someone to message me flirtatiously so I can feel desired again.

We have but IVF is so expensive and we wouldn't be eligible for any NHS treatment

You've given many reasons for leaving him. What are your reasons for staying?

I guess it's like anything, he's familiar and I'm content. I'm not so unhappy I want to leave but also I'm not that happy I want to stay. I guess I don't want to think the grass is greener and regret it

No chance he would be ok if you used a sperm donor since it doesn't sound like the issue is with you and you can't afford ivf?

He's said before if it makes me happy I could use a sperm donor but then I worry when the baby arrives he would resent it as the baby isn't his?

It's a risk but if you're longing to be a mother outweighs that risk then maybe it's worth it...? X

This 100%, I'm sure you help with his children and love them so you would expect the minimum he could do would be the same as you already do for his biological children

You’re not too old to have a baby.

But it seems that you will have to make a choice. Which do you want more, him or a baby?