Dealing with being estranged from a parent

[Chazzala]

This will be long, but it feels important to give full context if im to ask for advice.
Im 32, and I've been estranged from my dad for almost 2 years. My parents split up when I was 8, and I lived full time with my mum, seeing my dad every other weekend. Their marriage was not a healthy one - my dad was a volatile and often violet man (to my mum, never me or my brother) and this turbulent childhood has been something I have carried heavily with me.
For as long as I can remember I have struggled to understand or feel truly connected with my dad. I felt he never knew the true me, just the person I presented as in order to avoid conflict or arguments. Once I reached adulthood, much of our relationship was based on guilt - he would make me feel bad for not being in contact, I'd begrudgingly go to visit and then the cycle would repeat itself. Although he often messaged to say he loved me, I never felt he was truly interested in my life.
Strike forward to August 2023, and I find myself a month away from marrying my kind, understanding now husband. Throughout the planning process my dad showed very little interest. He had met my fiancé 3 times, and despite us owning a home for 3 years he had never been to visit. I made the difficult decision of informing my dad he wouldn't be walking me down the aisle, my brother would instead.
I accept my huge error in telling him this info so close to the wedding, but I guess fear of conflict and worry of ruining the lead up to the wedding for me and my fiancé held me back. To say he was cross is an understatement, I was called every name under the sun and he revoked his attendance to our wedding. He then convinced my four half brothers and sisters from his side of the family to join him in withdrawing their attendance, except they waited until a week before the big day. None of them spoke to me, they simply changed their rsvp on our website.
I have not spoken to my dad since. He has not reached out and either have I. His now wife sends a Christmas and birthday card each year, with a rushed signature from him. He also refused to attend my full brothers wedding last year, as did all of the siblings from his side of the family, because of me. I carry a huge amount of guilt for that. My decision never should have had this impact on my brother, who still maintans contact with our dad.

Fast forward to today, and I am for the first time, starting to wonder if I should be the one to reach out. Despite acknowledging our relationship has never been fully healthy, he is still my dad. There have of course been moments of commonality between us over the years, and I live in fear something will happen to him and the choice of reconciliation will be taken away from me. It hurts that he hasn't reached out to me, but should I bite the bullet and send a message? Or accept life is calmer and simpler now and perhaps that is just for the best.

Thanks for any advice in advance.

I broke no contact to look after my mum when she was dying. Let me assure you that Disney has a lot to answer for. There was no resolution. Mum’s behaviour was worse than ever. She never acknowledged any damn throng and actually became more abusive and aggressive. (At least she was openly hateful and others saw her in action, I guess - no filter.) I became re-traumatised and needed a loooot of therapy afterwards. I regret every second I gave her and took from my lovely husband and kids.

Thank you for such an honest response. It's good to hear from someone with direct experience of reconnecting - I fear you're right that it's too easy to imagine they have totally changed as a human.

I am estranged from my father.

I have had similar worries but have come to realise that I didn't lose him and I didn't estrange him.

I never had him and he estranged himself with his conduct.

It left me no choice.

I refuse to feel guilty about this. Neither should you.

I don't have answers.

But .. solidarity.

Have you had any trauma therapy at all? It might help you move forward in a better way.

What would you like the outcome to be if you contact your dad? Is that a likely outcome?

Reading between the lines, you're hoping for a level of closeness and caring from him that has never existed in your relationship with him and that he sounds unlikely to ever be able to give you. If you get back in touch, will it be enough for you to accept him as he is and maintain light contact just for the peace of mind of having some contact even if it's not a deep connection?

Or will you just end up back in conflict trying to push for something he can't/won't give and then feeling repeatedly disappointed or rejected? The fact that you're scrutinising his signature on birthday cards, concluding that it's "rushed" and then reading deep meaning into that and feeling pain, suggests you're going to stay stuck in the same cycle?

You may be absolutely correct on how you're appraising his card-signing, but if so then it doesn't sound like he's treating you right as it is. What would be an achievable and acceptable relationship outcome for you? It hurts now but will it hurt less if you get in touch and he continues letting you down? Do you think you're grieving the dad you should have had and wished you had, but that he can't be?

He is responsible for his own decisions and own behaviour. You are only responsible for your own actions. How he treats you and how he treats your brother are his responsibility.

There are no easy answers to any of this. You sound wounded and I don't think your dad is ever going to be able to heal that wound for you. Whatever you do next, some therapeutic support from someone with expertise in relational trauma could help you to live better and find some peace within yourself.

I should add that I don't expect you to post the answers to any of those questions.