Painful end to friendship

[Chickpeaandme]

Hi I have written this post twice and it keeps deleting!
OMG!

Basically, I have been dealing with a 14 year friendship souring, the 'friend' has always been hard work, rude and belittling and controlling, but also had good qualities and for some messed up reason I have always made excuses for her as I was a magnet to these kinds of people before I recently grew a backbone after years of therapy.

She sleeps all day and stays up on fb all night, has not worked in years, and basically does not move off her sofa and will not do anything to improve her life. She is just always the victim and cannot even organise herself to meet for a coffee without having to keep ringing her to wake her or get her kids to wake her. It is never her fault or her problem, she makes it your fault and your problem.

She has become spiteful towards her adult autistic children now too and has said some awful things to me about them. She lost her mum (who was abusive and terrible to her) 2 years ago and has been hero worshipping her since she died, and the past year it has got so bad, she has become so bitter. She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and is going through menopause also and seems to be having some kind of mental breakdown thats been going on bloody ages now as she wont do anything to change her situation. It is never her fault she always has an excuse.

She is also so cruel to another of our friends who is a very gentle and vulnerable person, which has really been getting to me, and this person has expressed they have began to fear her wrath. After a day out I had with this friend before christmas, she was so cruel to me, mocking, belittling, refusing to let me go to the toilet on long car ride, telling me to shut my lips when I asked things what she would like to do first etc, telling me I am a narcissist because I was trying to pin down a time for train still at 10pm the night before (she's obsessed everyone is)I have been avoiding her. I wanted to speak to her and let her know I will not tolerate how unkind she is being, and I told her this and that we need to meet about how hurt I am feeling, and before I had a chance to explain why, she sent me such a cruel abusive message playing on my insecurities around friendships ( I am neurodiverse and it is an anxiety of mine- she knows this) telling me my feelings are mine to own, not her problem, no wonder 'people' feel the way they do about me, (I am estranged from my emotionally abusive mum and sister and it is a very painful subject) that she's done well to put up with me as long as she has, and that its 'onwards to the next one for you sweetie and do it all over again'.

I cannot actually believe how cruel someone could be who has been my friend for this long. I feel so stupid. I got married last year and I had her as one of my bridesmaids, and I feel so stupid! She was never interested in my wedding, she looked miserable all day, she dragged her heels about organising my hen do, even though she kind of begrudgingly pulled it off in the end at the last minute. She is in most of my photos!!! She was so negative and looking back I do feel her treatment has got worse since I met my husband and got married. I don't think she really wanted to celebrate my happiness and it wound her up and has been eating her up maybe. It feels that way looking back now.

I know you are going to say why did I bother with her, but this has been a gradual subtle thing, I really felt she couldn't always help it and it was just 'her'. There of course have been times she has been fun and kind but recently they are few and far between. But I have made so many excuses for her abusive behaviour probably out of fear of not having many friends, pathetic I know. (I work from home and even though I mask autism well and really friendly, it is hrd to make new friends at my age).

I replied saying I am not putting up with her cruelty and it is sad she has to resort to it,and end the friendship, and that I am concerned about her mental health and will always be here. I feel stupid now for saying that. She has blocked me on everything?

I just feel devastated, there is so much more to it but I can't explain everything it would be soooo long. I feel so stupid, and I have really taken to heart what she said. My other friends have assured me I am a good loving person and she is being very awful, but I never cope well with a friendship ending, and she is treating me the way my mum and sister have, in a very bullying and cruel way, picking on my insecurities. I honestly try to be a kind loving empathetic person and I am so sick of being treated like sh*t by people I thought I could trust, and I feel so sad losing a long term friendship and I AM scared of being not liked and lonely and that what she said is true. even though my husband and friends keep telling me she is self projecting.

I have a few other good friends but I do feel so lonely right now and that maybe she is right about me. I just seem to have attracted a lot of these types of people in my past, but now I am stronger older and wiser (and after a lot of therapy and meeting my lovely husband and his family) I have been standing up for myself and this is what has happened, my cruel racist mother has gone from my life, my emotionally abusive older sister and now this so called long term friendship. I am scared I am going to lose everyone by having a backbone and self respect. But what is the less of 2 evils? This is a sad and lonely position to be in and I feel so attacked.

I am sorry for going on I am feeling so terrible and appreciate any words of wisdom right now. Thanks for reading

I had a close friend for 33 years who made me feel like shit sometimes. I could never challenge her because any time I did she would shut me down immediately and not speak for months/years - the unresolved feelings for me were torture and it was always me that had to reach out to try and mend the rifts. I too had trauma in my upbringing and I believe this made me tolerate her bad behaviour far more than I ever should have. When I finally confronted her about shitty behaviour, she shut me down straight away and made herself the victim saying how much I'd hurt her (her usual MO). That was 3.5 years ago now. She's never been in touch and I absolutely won't make the first move this time. The break has given me a lot of time to think. I'd have done anything for her, but I now realise I valued the friendship far more than she ever did, and everything had to be on her terms because she was so selfish and self centred. Our friendship only survived as long as it did because I was a doormat and afraid of her manipulative silent treatments. I didn't believe I deserved better and was afraid losing a friend was a reflection on me, but that's nothing more than a fawning response to childhood traumas.

The sting does go with time, and you DO deserve better. Take this time to put your energy into more positive friendships and n time I hope you'll see you are far better off without this 'friend'. I did x

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad over your friend and the things she said. Your post resonates with me. I had a small disagreement with a friend lik this. She was absolutely horrible to me. Blocked me. Insulted me etc.
My other friends were supportive and told me they thought she was a nasty person, who projected her insecurities on to me.
Like you , I have friendship insecurities and she knows this. Used it to hurt me more.
3 months later she rang me up for a chat, as if nothing had happened!! I didn't feel happy to hear from her, as I'd seen her nasty side. Our friendship has cooled but if she does it again, that's it.
So, don't be surprised if in a little while, she gets back in touch!

Thankyou for sharing your story and I'm sorry you had this pain too it is so distressing. Thankyou for your advice. You are definitely right about my fawning response from childhood trauma. Did you go on to make some new nicer friends?

I'm pleased to say I have more friends now and I have nurtured those who are easy going and don't cause drama. I am so much happier that way.

Thanks for your reply and also sad to hear you've suffered similarly too. Did you ever address how she treated you when she got back in touch?
I can't see this person doing this with me, she's isolating herself and has been saying she hates people and can't deal with their sh*t. Since she got her ADHD diagnosis she's become more difficult and unkind than ever and it seems to be an excuse for everything. She said to me just before the fall out that her new years resolution is to not do anything she doesn't want to do anymore including messaging? She didn't do anything anyway, and this means she has decided to become even more inflexible.
Now the dust is settling a little I am just honestly feeling grateful she's removed herself from my life as she was making me feel so bad and it was exhausting, let down after let down, I was almost scared to say anything to her or be around her anymore and so is our other friend.
I do think now I've become stronger and put up boundaries the toxic people are just falling away as they cannot bear to hear anything about how they behave and cannot look within themselves so they lash out or cut themselves off as they just don't have the emotional maturity!

I'm really pleased you have. And I hope the same for me, although I do have 3 very beautiful souls as close friends already, it would be great to meet more like minded people in this stage of my life. I do feel an awful lot more positive today and see this as a blessing in disguise as she has shown me who she is in plain daylight and I have learnt the hard way not to let these kind of people into my life anymore. I met her in my 20's and if I met her today being who she is and at the age I'm at I would keep my distance as I would recognise what kind of person she is very quickly.

I hear you. For the first time in a very long friendship I spoke out about how I feel. What I got in return was complete defensiveness and how they're the victim.
I was too scared to speak up before because they've always got a drama, mental health issues or whatever. Rather than work it out they've basically just cut me off. Obviously the truth hurts!

Hi again op
I did tell her how the way she treated me had really cut deeply and I wasn't sure if I was wanting to resume the friendship.
She gave me some feeble defensive reasons for her behaviour. Said she had really missed me. So I'm giving it a last chance S I do really enjoy her company. It that's me, with my low barriers .
You're probably better-off out if it x