Father wants to double barrel children’s surname but I don’t - what rights do I have?

[GladExpert]

Hello

My little boy was conceived by a one night stand, and at the time of his birth, I wasn’t sure how much the father would be sticking around, so he has my surname. The father signed the birth certificate with my surname with me.

The father has ended up seeing my little boy consistently, who has just turned 4. He now has him once a week and every other weekend. He has now requested to change his name to a double barreled surname which I am not keen on. It leads to confusion on what to call them, how to shorten it, filling out forms becomes more difficult due to the length of the name, the hyphen etc. I don’t think the name change would benefit my little boy in any way either - he knows what his surname is at preschool, in his passport, doctors, hospital, and I’ve used it in his recent school application etc.

I know I don’t have to consent to a name change, but I am concerned the father will get nasty and take matters to court. I don’t want to be unreasonable, but at the same time, I just don’t think it’s necessary. Does anyone know if a court order would force a double-barrelled surname? Or the chances of it being rejected? Has anyone had a similar situation?

The father keeps mentioning that he would like to change our little boy’s surname before a holiday abroad this year, but having different surnames in passports makes no difference to my friends who have separated and have different surnames to their children.

I just think if my little boy wants to change his name to a double barrelled one, he can make that decision for himself when he’s older?

Change it by deed poll, it's free.
Put the dad's name as an extra Middle name - so the surname remains the same, but on documents he has the other name as part of his name.
Eg. Bob Samuels SMITH.

Would this work? It's often done.

Do you have a relationship with the father apart from his interest in his son? If not no point to a change.

He can’t change your Ds’s name without your consent and it is not usual for courts to agree to a name change.

In your case I would suggest adding his Dad’s name as an extra middle name.

You could just start using it as a middle name as a ‘known as’.

Ughhh no way. His name is his name and as you say, he can choose when he is of an age to sign the papers himself.
Perhaps a bit biased as I loath double barreled names.

I think this is a good option. It won't change his identity as he already knows it but will acknowledge the father's role in his life.

Don't do it. When you say he's taking your son abroad, is this to a country he has links? Could this be why he wants a name change? Be very wary.

We've done the extra middle name thing. Works for us.

Slightly off topic but the older I get, the more I think children should have their mother's surname by default. It's far more likely for the children to live with their mother if the relationship fails. And the identity of a child's mother is never in doubt, whereas in some cases, the paternity of a child can turn out to be wrong.

The only reason children usually take their father's surname is........ patriarchy (whether the mother has also taken their partner's surname or not).

This isn't true. I've spent hundreds of hours in family courts and a total change of name is almost never granted. Double barreling however is often granted in OP's circumstances.

DDs are double barrelled with mine and exDHs surnames, I’ve still had difficulty sometime taking them abroad with DP (although only ever on the way back in the the UK) and I have a signed letter from ex DH saying I can take them abroad that I carry. It can be problematic it just isn’t always. That being said I wouldn’t change their name to double barrel if we weren’t a couple but I might (if I got decent maintenance and they had a good relationship / he was a generally nice honest man) add it as another middle name as an acknowledgement as PP suggested. I think it would be nice for your son to have that and know that you and his dad have a good relationship when he’s older. But no, he can’t force you.

I'd say let your child decide when they are old enough

I don’t think it should be mother’s name by default.

it’s not really dad’s name by default now, you still have to actively choose the name and register it. It’s just women cave to societal expectations and norms.

women should start using their own names, I agree. So many say it’s important to them to share a name with dc, yet then give them a different one.

if you want to share a name with dc give them yours.

as for the o/p I’d either try and kick it down the road a bit until the dc is old enough to make up their own minds, or as pp says add in the dad’s surname as a middle name informally for now.

the travel thing makes no difference, but he should have a letter with your consent and a copy of dc’s birth certificate with him. A man travelling alone with a child with a different name will raise more red flags than a woman doing so (one of the reasons my dc have dad’s surname, everyone assumes the kids are mine, but different to dad and the assumption is stepdad or unrelated male).

I just think if my little boy wants to change his name to a double barrelled one, he can make that decision for himself when he’s older?

Just stick to this.

Agree, your son can change his name at 16 if he wants to. The father will just need to accept this. Stuck to your gut feeling. Where does he want to go in holiday?

I would be reluctant. I have my dd her father’s surname as we were getting married. He then cheated and we split. I hate that she has his name now.

I know what you mean. By "default" I mean that it's the expected societal norm, rather than a legal thing. And I agree with you that more women should stand their ground rather than cave.

I'm not criticising other women here by the way - I took my husband's name when I married, without giving it much thought, but now that I'm older (and wiser? 😁) I would keep my own name if I could go back in time. Well done OP for giving your child yours.

Double barrelling is a very common compromise and in circumstances where the father has a good and committed relationship with his son I can't understand your resistance to it. Reverse the roles and consider how you would feel?

Not legal for a child, or maybe under 16.

I think leaving it for your son to choose is the best thing.

You never know what can happen. I was at VI form with a teenager who added his step father's name to his surname.

We all have double barrelled names, my husband came with one! It's honestly not as confusing and difficult as you make out. An extra word on a form isn't a life changing event, and it's not confusing what to call them - you use the whole surname!

I suspect your reluctance isn't about the reasons you've given.

In my experience if the dad is a committed father demonstrating years of regular contact they'll be quite keen to double barrel if it goes to court in order to give the child representation from both sides of hid family

I've often wondered what happens with all this recent double barrelling when the double barrellers pair up? @harriethoyle

So Alex Harriet-Hoyle gets married to Jude Roobey-Red. What are the kids known as? Jonny Harriet-Hoyle-Roobey-Red?? Jonny Roobey-Harriet? Jonny Red-Hoyle? What happens then?

Can you imagine the debates/arguments/upset?

I gave DD her dad's name and vaguely regret it. But it's her name now and i wouldn't change it.

100%
My dc have my ex-dh surname as was the norm. However I wish I had used my maiden name as a middle name for all dc even though it is a common boys first name.
I agree with pp’s about a middle name and maybe have a low key ‘naming party’ so ds understands why he’s now got an extra name. If you have an amicable relationship with his dad he could be part of it and that might make him feel better about not double barrelling surnames - which is a bit crap imo.

Someone always says this on threads about double barrelling. Of course they don't generally use all the names. It's really not rocket science.

Interesting!

In your experience is it equally common for hyphenating to be allowed if it is the mother wanting her name added?

Just thinking of the significant number of women on MN who have not been able to add their surname to the one from the father.