Father wants to double barrel children’s surname but I don’t - what rights do I have?

[GladExpert]

Hello

My little boy was conceived by a one night stand, and at the time of his birth, I wasn’t sure how much the father would be sticking around, so he has my surname. The father signed the birth certificate with my surname with me.

The father has ended up seeing my little boy consistently, who has just turned 4. He now has him once a week and every other weekend. He has now requested to change his name to a double barreled surname which I am not keen on. It leads to confusion on what to call them, how to shorten it, filling out forms becomes more difficult due to the length of the name, the hyphen etc. I don’t think the name change would benefit my little boy in any way either - he knows what his surname is at preschool, in his passport, doctors, hospital, and I’ve used it in his recent school application etc.

I know I don’t have to consent to a name change, but I am concerned the father will get nasty and take matters to court. I don’t want to be unreasonable, but at the same time, I just don’t think it’s necessary. Does anyone know if a court order would force a double-barrelled surname? Or the chances of it being rejected? Has anyone had a similar situation?

The father keeps mentioning that he would like to change our little boy’s surname before a holiday abroad this year, but having different surnames in passports makes no difference to my friends who have separated and have different surnames to their children.

I just think if my little boy wants to change his name to a double barrelled one, he can make that decision for himself when he’s older?

I don't see a problem with adding the father's surname. He is an involved parent.

Using "form filling" as a reason not to is rather lame.

You are the primary parent. If you have another child it’s more harmonious if they both have the same surname. My half brother and I both have my mother’s maiden name and it helps us feel like full rather than half siblings.

My mother also changed my first name before I was one and it’s a nightmare as I have to declare it on forms. I’ve also been accidentally sent a passport in my former name. It’s such a nuisance and why I didn’t change my surname on marriage.

Your son can choose to change his name if he wants to when he’s of age.

Stand your ground. It's the kids choice when he's old enough.

@roobyred in my experience of DB marrying DB, one couple chose which one of their surnames they carried forwards so they became a third DB and the other, one party took the others. Only known it happen twice though so not encyclopaedic knowledge!

This isn't true.
I did it for my DC, it cost nothing. Their dad had to write a letter to agree, then did deed poll.
Now they have passports, banks etc in this name.
I felt it was important, as they were his and like the OP he did EOW.
They were 6 and 9.

Is his father British?

I can see why he might want to do this, but presumably there was a choice made at the time the child was registered.
My younger DD has been very happily married for years, but has kept her maiden name. She recently had a baby and used her own surname. Her DH doesn't mind a bit, his family don't mind, nobody minds.

Ask the Spanish? As it’s their norm to double barrel both parents names.

they seem to manage fine. So this argument is pretty moot, if an entire nation can manage it without debate/argument/upset then I’m sure Jane smith- jones and Tom Thomas-king can manage.

mens names are always nicer anyway 🤷‍♀️

DD has a double-barrelled name as I wanted her to have a link to both families even though we weren't together.

She's a teen and HATES it, she also has fairly long other names with 8, 7, 8-6 letters. Although she sees her dad regularly when she writes it on non-formal things she just drops his and uses mine.

Surname bingo!

They carry on adding names until they have Eight hyphenated names. 16 if very committed and not an able to use free choice, make their own decision or use common sense.

As parents of children with hyphenated names perhaps we tend not to pressurise our offspring into accepting outdated societal norms and passive-aggressively addressing birthday cards to our DILs with Ds’s surname etc.

@GladExpert one night stand??? yet you took him to register the birth????

Why not? It’s his child too.

the child has a right to know their father.

leaving him off the birth certificate makes little difference anyway. If he wanted to be an involved father he can get a DNA test and get himself added.

@Ohnonotmeagain it's not an argument, I'm genuinely interested and can see some issues with it. Our societal norm is to pass on the father's name. Women commonly change name at marriage because it's expected when we have kids that we'll all have the same name etc.

In Spain, they double barrel but there's a pattern. The father's name is usually first and when they marry they usually combine the two patriarchal surnames. Eg Penelope Cruz-Ruiz passes on/uses the Cruz (her father's name). So the Spanish manage it, but it's the male name that predominates.

I'm just trying to show that this double barrelling to indicate equity potentially could be problematic when it comes to children. I don't know what the answer is.

In this instance, I support the OP. She's the main caregiver, she gave birth and has the child the majority of the time. You don't commonly see women passing on their name. If he pushes, I'd offer a compromise and give the father the option of adding the middle name, but I wouldn't double barrel. There's nothing wrong with saying I'm the lead parent, so he's using my name. But if she wants proper advice about rights I'd ask a family lawyer, but I'd hope the birth certificate - signed by both parents at the time - would stand up in court.