Son reluctant to work

[RareHedgehog]

Hi all, new to this so please be gentle. My 20 year old son has never worked and is refusing to look for work. He left college in June 2023 with two years of mechanics under his belt but has done nothing since, other than sit in his pants, in bed, on his x-box. He has no friends and never goes out.

When he turned 18 he got £10,000 trust fund and has spent the last two years living off this - paying us £300 a month for rent. It was meant to pay for driving lessons and his first car but it has now run out. I have told him that he needs to find a job so he can pay his way as he is not going to free load off us. He says that he doesn't want to work. He doesn't like people and can barely look me in the eye, let alone a stranger. I feel that he is depressed and anxious and has been for many years but he is adamant that he is fine. I've told him that if he is fine then he can get a job or he can go to his GP and deal with his anxiety. We just go round and round in circles, getting nowhere fast.

Myself and my husband (not dad) are at our wits end and it causes big tension between us because we both work full time and don't need this shit. We have given my son "chores" such as emptying the bin, hoovering, cleaning the kitchen every day, folding the washing etc, which he does with no complaints.

I currently pay his mobile phone bill but, if I cut that off, he has no way of looking for work. I can't starve the kid - he needs to eat - but is not contributing anything and resentment is creeping in.

I feel that he is taking the piss out of me and my husband. I cannot get him to see the benefits of working, not just for his mental health, social life and also financially as it will be good for him to have some money and it will help me and my husband out also.

Anyone been in this situation before? What did you do? Any advice would be welcomed. We are thinking of deactivating the x-box in the day time so he has nothing to do as a starting point. I could also stop paying for his phone when his contract ends in April but then I am totally isolating him.

Any other ideas would be great. I would never kick him out, he is my only child and I love him dearly but don't like him very much right now! He has fallen out with his dad so I am literally all he has. Thank you in advance 🙂

I currently pay his mobile phone bill but, if I cut that off, he has no way of looking for work.

But he ISN'T looking for for work so not paying his phone bill may just give him a nudge.

Yes, you're right. However, contract doesn't run out until April and it is in my name so if I don't pay, it's my record the default goes on 😡 But it's an option for when the contract expires for sure!

You need to make working a condition of living in your house. I know you say you won’t kick him out, but it’s really the only way.

if you won’t do that, then don’t just disconnect the Xbox during the day. Turn off his access to the WiFi entirely. He can go to the library to look for jobs or he can sit with you.

If he’s depressed, anxious, can’t look you, let alone a stranger in the eye, then he’s hardly going to waltz into a job, is he?

His refusal to look for work is probably him protecting himself against not being able to hack it.

I don’t know what the solution is but it sounds like he needs specialist support.

Any chance he could be autistic or otherwise ND OP? It might explain why he’s finding it such a struggle. (Ofc he might just be a lazy toad but I’d be surprised if there wasn’t more going on!)

I know he needs help but he won't accept it. I've offered to pay for therapy but he will not budge. I just don't know what to do 😟

Have a look at the princes trust

Just wanting to send you a hand hold.
This is Mumsnet so you will get loads of posts telling you to either kick him out - or that he must be Nd and if only you could get him to a counsellor that will solve everything.

Unfortunately I don't believe that's very helpful. You son clearly is not in the best place right now (whatever the reason) - but the reality is he wont get better until HE decides to tackle things.

Also - I dont see that kicking him out is a solution either - I mean really would any Mum really kick their own child out on the street? I know i wouldn't.

I'm not quite where you are @RareHedgehog but I have an older teen who recently decided to quit college with no real plan what to do instead - So I fear we may end up in same situation.

Thank you for your kind words, made me a bit teary! He is not in a good place but won't accept any help or see that working would probably help him. I just don't know what to do, I wanted so much more for him than sitting in his room all day and night, alone. Thank you for your support @OlderandwiserMaybe 😄

Can he look for WFH jobs? Call centre work can and is done at home. It won’t help socially but will bring in some money at least. I’d hide the Xbox in your car or something until he can demonstrate he’s applied for jobs.

Two ideas from me, could he volunteer at a charity shop/in a school? Would get him out the house and used to being around people. Secondly, could you apply for jobs for him? My mum did that for me when I was 18 and got me an interview at a supermarket. I'm neurodiverse and needed all the help I could get at that age.

Poor eye contact, doesn't like people, no friends, anxious, isolating - that could all add up to ASD OP. He is doing all you ask him around the house so it doesn't sound like he's lazy or depressed - more that he doesn't feel like he can cope with working. If he was trying to take the piss he'd do nothing to help out - there are plenty who don't!

He doesn't need punishing, he's not a young child. Cutting off his phone when he has no social life is just pointless. He'll need it for getting a new course or job anyway.

I think you need to consider that he might be autistic, struggling and emotionally immature - up to 3 years behind his actual age. What I'd suggest is much more help and support - I have a young adult with ASD so I know how important this is to enable them to successfully adult.

What happened with the mechanics? Is it something that still interests him or has he decided it's not for him? Are there more qualifications he could do with that if he's still interested to get him confidence back and get him back into it? He might really struggle with interviews and how to find and apply for jobs, asking about jobs etc so these are things that he really might benefit from some help and support with.

If he's decided against mechanics is there anything else that interests him? If he doesn't want to go back to education then something that can work really well for autistic people is volunteering. It gets them used to working but is less pressure and so less stressful. I do think though it needs to be volunteer work that interests him - not just any old thing. Small steps can be really helpful - but it's about finding something that works for him.

I expect his self esteem is on the floor so please keep fighting for him. This is not unusual behaviour for a young adult with undiagnosed autism. (I have an 18 year old with ASD and this could so easily be him without a huge amount of help and support in applying for things and preparing for interviews).

Did he used to have friends? My son is autistic, isn’t social (and isn’t bothered) and will need a lot support but can access various schemes for those with additional needs up to age 25. If your son didn’t struggle at school and used to have friends then anxiety / mental health more likely the issue. If the capital has run out he should apply for UC. UC do provide support to find work particularly with young people looking for a first job, he would have to meet work conditions but it can be quite supportive eg advice on cv’s etc and he may be more receptive to advice from someone else (a job coach). If there were additional needs then local charities will probably have grants for access to employment schemes. Other options may be setting up his own business eg bike repair or finding a sole trader or small business that may give him work experience. volunteering would get him used to going out again and can lead to paid work. Even joining a gaming club or taking up a hobby would be a first step. Are there any local projects that could use a mechanic as a volunteer eg a steam railway or youth project based on cars /bikes? I’m not saying he is ND but parents of those who are will be a good source of advice of what’s available locally as this is a common problem among that group. usually there are local Facebook parent carer support groups where people are discussing these very issues.

He should be claiming some benefits, surely? Universal Credit or something. I also agree with other posters re the lack of eye contact and lack of friends - it does point to ASD. If he can be assessed, then that might open the door to support, both emotional and financial.

Silly for him just to live off his £10k that he got when he was 18 when he is more than likely entitled to benefits.

Sounds like ASD: a lad his age who can't hold eye contact, isolated etc. He probably has no confidence in himself and can never gain some if he doesn't join in the "real world". You can't force him to see a GP but you can ask for him to get a job. It will build him up so putting this boundary in place is for his own good. He might need some help with finding jobs/CV which is normal since he hasn't been in the workforce. Just be careful with the types of job: if he's finding social interactions difficult he should definitely go for a job in mechanics which he has trained for.

Thank you, you basically summed it up.

He doesn't need to have his phone cut off and Xbox hidden, he's not a kid.
He's likely anxious, scared and emotionally lost.

Lots of such people in my generation, but we had to survive and mask like hell.
I'm 45, another country, my "father" would have whipped me out of home because it was "normal"

I made sure I married (20 years ago) in such a way I never needed to work, have children or have a lot of people around.
I'm definitely not lazy (carer for husband, house, rental property etc ).
OP's son is lucky he's got his mum to sit down with him and help.
In my time, there was no option. My cousin decided he didn't want to live anymore at 28 yo and my stepsister is in a MH institution.

Bastards, these who were around us to "guide" us.

Sorry for the rant!

Oh love, I can't help but I wanted to comment as he sounds like mine (who is younger - he is finishing college this year) I worry all the time that mine will never leave and never get a job. We have started trying to get mine an autism diagnosis as I do think the way that he 'is' is due to this, and it may help to have a diagnosis for future employment. (He asked for this) He is intelligent and he can hold a conversation when he chooses, he's just never been quite like the others. He has no plan in place come the summer. We are just trying to get him through his exams.
He doesn't want to remain in education, but he can't cope with people and I need him to find some kind of paid employment. He does nothing when he isn't at college. Just stays in his room. No friends. No hobbies. I am worried that if I give him the money we have saved from his CTF etc that he will do the same thing with it as yours has done. He says he isn't unhappy, but I'm so worried that he relies totally on me for companionship.
I'm interested to see if folk have ideas as well to sort of prompt him on his way. We have the added issues of frequent migraines which knock him out for days, and jaw surgery in about 18 months.

@kate592 this is a really lovely, thoughtful and helpful post. I don't have time to write much but my son sounds very similar and I'm sure undiagnosed ASD.
He was persuaded to try volunteering in the local park, doing gardening. He absolutely loves it and said that he finds it much easier and less pressure to talk to people so much older than himself. Obviously the people there are older, kinder and very accepting of him and I am indebted to them for their acceptance of him. He is lovely though!
Perhaps something similar could be an option. I sympathise with you as it's so very difficult but patience and tiny baby steps whilst giving a gentle push in the right direction seems to be the best option.

Should add that this has led to a job for my son, albeit something that he is massively overqualified and intelligent for but he does it extremely well and that is enough for now.

Op you say he needs to not be in his room, alone, do you have relatives that can pop over or ask him to help in their houses, just as a way to start him mixing? Can you try to nearly baby him, getting him down for movies or board games, asking him to help you cook or bake? It’s so hard, they go from the routine of school to nothing.

Even if he has ASD, it doesn’t mean he can’t or shouldn’t work. He needs support though. Could either of you do some joint volunteering with him for just an evening a week or a joint hobby. It may help to gently get him used to leaving the house & mixing with others. He’s capable of more than he realises and he can’t live in his pants with you forever!!

Any local gaming companies? He might be interested in getting an entry level job working for one. Perhaps look into more interesting opportunities than just checkout staff or something together. Did he have plans for what he wanted to do with his mechanics?

I don't think you can deactivate the xbox as such, there are ways round it that an adult will easily get past.

You need to give him options going forward, working, studying, volunteering? There must be something that works for him.

He’s got to understand that doing nothing is not an option while he’s living under your roof.
Explain to him that you don’t expect him to jump into a FT job straight away, but he needs to start taking baby steps in moving forward with his life.

Social anxiety gets worse the more you stay at home. He needs professional help and to leave the house at least sometimes. And I dont think you woulf be cruel to insist he gets professional help. He can't just rely on internet diagnosis.

Is he on the spectrum by any chance.