I'm terrible at friendships but want to be better

[Tryingtoreset]

Hello all, I've never posted on here or other forums before. I'm almost 40 and pre kids I had a number of best friends and great friendship circle. Over the last 5 years in particular I've lost a lot of my friends. I worm full time, have two kids and I am hopeless at staying in touch with friends and arranging catch ups. I also hate hosting because I feel overwhelmed by it, see it as another task. With work, kids, hubs with new business, house doing up....I feel nothing left in the tank for friends, but then I also feel really sad about that and miss them all terribly and want to be a better friend, without finding the effort overwhelming. Does anyone else have a similar experience? Thank you for reading this far.

Hi OP, watching with interest as I have a similar issue. I just don’t feel that I physically or mentally have enough energy to regular upkeep of contact for friendships these days after I’ve done all the essentials like full time woek, family, home etc.

You say in 5 years you've "lost" a lot of friends, but surely that's not much time gone really, you can see it as "put friendships on hold" or temporarily paused them.
Becoming a parent is a huge culture shock.

You're ready to join the world of the living again! Just do it. Reconnect. It's not hard to invite someone round for a cuppa at three in the afternoon or meet someone in town.

Think about small steps, not a huge endeavour. You're not asking to go on holiday with someone. Just a coffee or something.

There’s a season for everything and it sounds like perhaps you really don’t have any time going spare right now.

As your kids get older that will change.

You can’t make friends to order so if you want to make a start, I’d pick an activity you’d like to do for you, that will allow you to start building acquaintances and a social life that can lead to friends - whether that’s park run or a choir or being on your kids school board.

Lots of people finding hosting too much, so you could leave that for a while.

It's the exhaustion....or maybe feeling like it will create.firther exhaustion

I don't know why but this actually made me feel like crying. I think your right about small steps. I think I'm holding a lot of guilt for not being a great friend the last few years that ive almost been scared to reconnect. Thank you for the message.

I like this, there's a season for everything.... perhaps need to lower guilt and expectations

I think this is a nice post, but it’s important not to underestimate what it’s like to be a full time working parent doing long hours. Tea in the afternoon (or indeed practically anytime) can be completely or often impossible. There was a big chunk of time I pretty much only saw friends in groups as I couldn’t fit in individual catch ups because of family plus a v full time job, and both me and my partner travelling for work a fair bit.

Can I ask, did you feel like your friendships suffered and did you get them back? Thanks for responding.

Out of interest do you feel its negatively impacting you, not maintaining friendships, do you want to change this?

You may find you all drift back together as child rearing becomes less intensive. It's been the case for me.

I do two things. I set aside 90 minutes on a weekend solely for me. I usually parkrun and have friends there.

And I message friends if I wake up early, just 'keeping in touch' stuff.

Yes, I miss my friends and the balance they bring to my life, but in the moment I find it difficult to maintain the contact, it feels like another task on my full to do list. I want to change this and like you I think that small steps and trying not to feel guilty are probably the way to go.

Following as my new years resolution was to be better at friendships.
I am so bad at it. If someone doesn't reply straight away I catastrophise and assume they hate me.

I am disorganised and find it really hard to arrange meeting up.

When I divorced I lost a lot of my social circle/ acquaintances, who I assume didn't want to "pick sides". My ex, who was abusive to me, seems to have found other friends; I haven't.

I get "shy" if I do hear back from someone and then don't reply to them for ages; it's like some kind of stupid self-sabotage.

I want to repair my friendships but have no idea how. Quite understandably, people have moved on and me suddenly messaging them after leaving them unread for ages is probably quite disconcerting! So am following this thread with interest!

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I can't imagine the impact on your feeling of worth, but you are worthy of friendship and love. Reach out / respond, it might (im sure it will) go well 😀

I think my new years resolution needs to be to "do the things your putting off"... already sorted out some finances, feel so much better. Reached out to a friend to ask if she had plans for her 40th....turns out she doesnt so we're going out for a meal at the end of this month. Turns out it's beneficial for others too, they welcome it in fact. I need to remember that!

Thanks all for the sharing, it's been so heartening hearing people's experiences and tips

@BestBopTea The new year is a great time to touch base with old friends you haven't spoken to for a while. It makes the perfect excuse (if you need one).

In the last couple of days I've messaged a friend who I haven't spoken to for three years, and we're sorting out a day to meet for lunch.

Just message them saying something like 'Hi, how are you doing? So 2024 wasn't my best year, but 2025 will be much better. It would be lovely to meet up. Happy New Year.'

Honestly, most people will be delighted to hear from you. Be brave.

I think you have to find a format that works for you. For my very local friends it's a quick coffee nearby. For my further afield friends we've worked out somewhere to get food that's in the middle. While it's good to be open to trying new things there's nothing wrong with sticking to what works for a bit.

Thank you for the kind wishes. I did message a few people x

Oh that is really cool that you're meeting up 😊 That is a really nice message / phrasing and I think I will try it. X