Do you ever feel too cynical? A bit too ^hard^ with the world?

[Pavlovthecat]

I have been feeling of late rather more abrupt about things. Its hard to explain. I feel less tolerant of other peoples problems. I have much more of a 'well thats life deal with it' attitude.

And today, I was feeling particularly harsh and I just thought 'when did I become so emotionally hard' like a shell almost?

I think I know when it started. Mum died last year and some family difficulties left me with significantly less of a family.

I sort of feel a but more that I should look after me and my family first and formost and have a lot less sympathy for others. Much less than I used to.

Is this a normal process of growing up, becoming more cynical, perhaps a little more distrusting, impatient with wingers and moaners? Thinking people should just shut the fuck up and sort their shit out?

I am not sure I like feeling this way.

Its not like eating me up or anything, just something I am noticing more and more, and feel like it is starting to define me more than I would like...

Fire away...!

Nightnight Boys - sleep well. Tomorrow, I shall see it all differently. I am going swimming with my DD which I love, and shall have a chuckle at the woman who does not get her hair/face/make-up wet no matter what. For some reason she refuses to get her head under the water, even in the activities that require it! (I thought maybe she worked afterwards so needed to look fresh, but no!).

Oh yes I feel like this Pavlov, I think I've always been a bit that way - grew up in a dysfunctional family where nothing was sacred, was bullied etc and really developed a "shell". In some ways I am unshockable and quite hard.

Like many on this thread I also think I'm actually quite caring and compassionate underneath (and soppy as you like with those very close). But I tend to the negative and bitchiness (which I try to rein in), and I find very cheery, overly positive people difficult. And I say exactly what I think and then realise I should be so much nicer .

As a mum in particular I get riled by things like soft play centres and disneyland characters and when other mums are saying how lovely things like that are I am desperate to bitch and be rude about them. That's why I love MN!

I need complete pitchy blackness to sleep too!
I have your phone thing in rl! I don't do small talk either- just cannot.
Dh hates having to have the windows closed in summer, but I cannot get over the noise.

I find the noise thing hard work somedays, especially at work. Dh and DD are very quiet people though thank goodness.

This is a very interesting OP, Pavlov.

There are many reasons why people can become cynical. Bereavement can certainly do it in someone not predisposed, but it's only a small factor.

I lost my mother and my fiance before I was 25, but I was cynical before that, so it didn't add to it at all.

My dh lost his father and his brother before he was 25, and he is totally uncynical ... because it was never in him in the first place. For him, it had other consequences, but cynicism was not one of them.

Whatever the root cause, the trick, as you get older, is to play your cynicism to those who are receptive (because it can be very funny), and to hide it from those who are unreceptive.

It is not a bad thing to possess, providing it doesn't define you as a person. It should be like strong pepper, and used sparingly.

Actually Eachpeach - thats not true - I never thought people would change - I guess I always expected people would chose the easy option, but I always thought that some people would, that I would be proven wrong. Not sure if that makes sense. I guess I wanted to be able to change things I thought were unchangeable. But now realise I cant?

And I am less tolerant of people who do nothing to improve whatever it is that needs improving, when the opp is there.

Definitely going to bed now tho. NIght night all, x

That's so true Desi about the knowing when to show it. I'm still working on "hiding" how cynical I am when it's inappropriate.

Oh dear I think I was born that way!

I'm a born cynic myself.

But it does have it's upsides. I'm only rarely disappointed for one thing, and everything that happens easily I never take for granted, it's always a huge surprise and a satisfying bonus.

Desiderata - very eloquent! I still love your name. Its a very elegent piece of poetry by Mr Erhmann.

My cynicism has always been an amusing add-on to a conversation, but recently internally I feel less amused by my feelings and more annoyed.

I often feel like saying 'and?' to people when they tell me something How uncaring is that?!!!

It will come with time, snowleopard.

When you work on a thing, you will solve it. I still occasionally slip up now, but at 42, the events are becoming rarer!

That said, my most fave time of the whole week is when I pull pints on a Sunday night to the most cynical bunch of old men you'd ever find anywhere

I truly believe they're my best therapy!

I think it's also a natural part of the processing of grief.

As for cynasysim [sp?] in general from my own personal life experiences having suffered on and off with depression.

I'd hazard a guess that although somewhat predict but there really for me at least appear to be a fight or flight response often peppered with varying degrees of apathy lethargy and a dose of I don't give a flying shitty.

I have at times been so cynical and wonder, why exactly am I still gettin up for same shit different day but then something happens and despite my best intention to stay under the duvet, the sun really does shine again or some little miracle happens, for instance last night I got some crap off my chest to a dear friend and really really felt heard.

It didn't make my problem go away per se but I didn't feel as isolated. Sorry for the loss of you mum btw.

Pavlov, I work in a related but not entirely similar field myself. I do find myself more and more frustrated by the sheer lack of ????? ambition, willingness to change, wanting something different for themselves or their children

I think the high standards do have something to do with it. Not sure what....des can you put that into words?

Also, the sarcasm that comes with it- making people laugh is a classic defence mechanism

Pavlov, you can't care for everyone on the planet.

You're just singling out the whingers, which is no bad thing.

I've hardly been on MN lately, precisely because of the raised eye-brow, and your point is? demon that has possessed me

ah, see, Desi is a kindred soul.

Sounds like stress, Pavlov. And a sort of 'burn out'. The biggest casualty of feeling stressed is sensitivity, toward yourself and others.

I remain absurdly optimistic at times, which makes me think I am missing something!! LAst year, for a wee while, I was unusually 'down' lost confidence and developed a scepticism towards others, which was horrid. BUT, I recognised it for what it was, and it does sound like your self-awareness will be a seed to recover your previous 'easy nature'. It IS hard work though, as 'how we live now' does undoubtedly foster a horrible cynicism.

Also working in a not exactly that field but in the helping profession. My tutor's in college were always at pains to drill into us rookies the importance of self care. Agree 100% with your post paninopan.

Pavlovthecat- have read your op.sorry to hear of difficulties and recernt berevement.blunted affect and "shell-like" feelings maybe indicative of normative stress response to your v recent bereavement (and it is recent in emotional psychological terms)

BUT if this deteriorates or troubles you do see your gp

take care

I don't tolerate over-sentimentality, can't abide hand-wringers and can't shut my mouth either.

I don't understand people who fret over individual people they have never met or will meet.

I do have compassion for genuine difficulties within the world, I just don't have time for numbskulls.

Eachpeach, it would be difficult to draw a conclusion about your behaviour without knowing what your childhood was like.

A hatred of noise, in a man, would cause me some worry. It sounds like you are under deep stress, so if you'd care to spill, we're all listening.

Desi- why in a man?
Do they have different responses?
I am a mum....

Squack (squonk?) bet you loved the Diana and MM things as much as I did then ....

Snowleopard - I feel exactly the same as your first post, very well put.

I think you can reserve your caring side for those you love, nothing wrong with that (friends, family whoever). I also reckon you do get to a stage where you recognise you can't help everyone and it's not your job to do so!

That said, if you feel you have changed and you don't like the way you've changed, it may be, as Pan says, a reaction to what's happened to you recently. Often, with traumatic events, you hide the emotional side of yourself and develop that shell as a way of protecting yourself. It's a classic FUCK OFF WORLD response and then turning inward.

There's nothing wrong with being cynical anyway. Can't have the world filled with bloody optimists .

foxinsocks - I agree in theory, but I also feel somewhat blase about my own grief, if that makes sense. I sort of think, well, parents are dead, get over it. And its not all maudling, its just very factual. And I think because I think of that, I then think of other people going through normal difficulties thinking, this is life, you got to just deal with it. Everyone else does.

Its like, dispassionate. But that said, I do get emotional when little children get hurt, die, or when a serious injustice occurs, or when people close to me are hurting (really close to me). The larger disasters that happen upset me, but normal tragedies just dont affect me anymore.

Immediately after the birth of my dd though, I used to weep at even the slightest sad story! {grin]

I suppose I was wondering whether it is inevitable that cynicism creeps in as we get older and experience more of the world's harsh realities such as bereavement, which we all suffer at some point. Am I just growing up?

Scottishmummy thank you for your caring post too, I did not mean to ignore. I do intend to take care as I have a family to look after. I had a significant amount of time off work post bereavement, mum Jan 07, father may 07, and got married in sept 07!!! I had what the Dr referred to as 'delayed adjustment reaction' which was apparantly is not too disimilar to PTS sydrome.

Maybe I still have it! My GP was great, well both of the two I saw, I went to CRUSE but it was not for me. I am not the type to sit and just talk about things, it was so pointless for me anyway. I saw no use for talking to a stranger about things they did not, or ever would understand.

I promise if I feel unable to cope with my harder exterior or worry its more deep rooted, I will go see me GP!