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Original poster

What would you do in this situation?

27 replies

gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:11

DD baby naming is next month. My parents offered to pay for the buffet and the cake. MIL offers to pay for the childrens entertainment and the ceremony. Dh and I accept both offers.

MIL works and so does FIL, they have several houses that are paid off (so they tell us at every oppoutunity) they lead a very good lifestyle.

DH tells me today that MIL will not be paying for the kids entertainer now.
I ask why and DH says MIL MIGHT not be able to afford it.

TBH I don't know what to do, I am a bit upset as DH and I dont have the money to be able to pay for the kids entertainer and the ceremony. It looks like we will have to cancel altogether.

My parents dont have the money to be able to even lend us it. The only way I can see us being able to do it is if we get a small loan out. The ammount isn't much but thats the only way DH and I could afford it.

What would you do?
A) Cancel
B) rant at MIL
C) Get a loan

OP posts:
Nagapie · 30/04/2008 17:13

Being nosy/dumb - how much does the ceremony cost??

mankymummy · 30/04/2008 17:14

None of the above. Can you make the venue smaller or at home?

saadia · 30/04/2008 17:14

Is the entertainer really necessary? How expensive is he/she? I wouldn't cancel or take out a loan but rethink the event on the revised budget.

Nagapie · 30/04/2008 17:16

How important is this to you? I wouldnt go into debt for something that I would think wasn't life threatening...

I would have a word with MIL as well

Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:19

The ceremony costs £100 and the entertainer is £65.

The room is already booked and paid for so no point in us having it at home, also Dh and I have really big families and really would not be able to fit everyone in our house.

Yes we can do without the entertainer, but we have told people that there is gonna be a kids entertainer there so I don't really know how to get out of that one.

Also if MIL hadn't offered to pay then Dh and I would have saved up for these things but as she did we haven't.

OP posts:
MissingMyHeels · 30/04/2008 17:21

Just say the kids entertainer had to cancel and you couldn't find another at short notice. Blow up some balloons and the kids will have plenty of fun hitting eachother with them/chasing one another around/popping them etc. Or get an older kid to organise some party games.

Cancelling is not necessary and neither is ranting at your MIL - it's her decision.

Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:21

I would like to have a word with MIL re this but I just wouldn't know where to start.

I dont want to be seen as comming across as angry at her. I'm not angry just dissapointed.
We weren't originally going to have a kids entertainer as we couldn't really afford it and it isn't neccesary. But MIl said that she has seen this one before at a christening and we should have him and if we cant afford it she will pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:23

Dh and I had an idea of a kids table, with plasticine and colouring books etc for the kids to amuse themselves with, may just do that and say he had to cancel.

OP posts:
MissingMyHeels · 30/04/2008 17:25

That would be perfect!

They may genuinely not be able to afford it, people who are showy offy about money are often the sort of people who exaggerate how much they have. You don't know the ins and outs of her financial situation so I don't think it's fair to make her feel bad, she may already be feeling awful.

girlfrommars · 30/04/2008 17:29

I'd tell people the truth- that your MIL was offered to pay for a entertainer and now can't afford to. Only because I get the feeling that you believe that she definitely can, and she's screwed you around by offering and then retracting the offer.

But I'm a bitch.

Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:29

I really dont want to make her feel bad but it is only just under two weeks away and I really cant find the money for this.

Even if we dont have the entertainer, we still have to pay for the ceremony, where on earth am I gonna get the money?

OP posts:
girlfrommars · 30/04/2008 17:31

What is the ceremony exactly?

Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:31

girlfrommars, as much as I would love to do that cos I know she can afford it, it would upset DH too much.

DH is firmly in the hide his head in the sand camp when it comes to his parents, but then again aren't most of us when it comes to our parents!!

OP posts:
Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:32

The ceremony is basically a christening one without any religous content.

OP posts:
Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:34

MIL did this with our wedding cake as well. She offered to pay for it then at the lat minute would only pay half so that I had to pay for the rest.
DH still doesn't know about it to this day. I suppose it's my own fault to accepting her offer. But I could hardly say no to it when DH was there as he would have wanted to know why and I would have had to tell him about the wedding cake thing.

OP posts:
girlfrommars · 30/04/2008 17:36

How about this It's a book that helps you to create your own ceremony.

It costs £6.00 and has sample ceremonies, readings ect. in

MissingMyHeels · 30/04/2008 17:37

Why don't you ask MIL if she can lend you the money instead? Explain the impact her going back on her word will have and see if you can come to an agreement.

As she has done it before with your wedding cake she is starting to sound like a real bag.

MissingMyHeels · 30/04/2008 17:38

Or you could say you can no longer afford to invite her as you need to cut back in order to afford the ceremony?

Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:40

girlfrommars, that is a really good idea, but the lady who does the ceremony has already been booked and all the content sorted out. I would feel terrible to have to cancel her as well as the kids entertainer.

I'm racking my brain to try and think who I could ask to borrow the money off.

I wish I knew about the book before this had all been booked.

OP posts:
Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:46

lol, missingmyheels that is good, but tbh I dont think she wants to come anyway. She seems to be not very bothered about DD, even though she nagged me and DH to have kids. We wanted to wait (so we did) and she nagged and nagged at us about having them. now she cant be arsed with DD

I just feel really bad for DH, he doesn't say anything to me but I can see it hurts him when he tries to pass DD over to his mum and she wont take her. I think DH just wants his mum to love and fuss up the thing that is most important to him and it kills him when she doesn't.

OP posts:
girlfrommars · 30/04/2008 17:46

From what you've said about your MIL and the fact that you haven't told your DH about the wedding cake thing, it's possible that she thinks the same thing will happen again- that it'll all go ahead with no consequences for her.

Would it be worth having a one on one with her, saying that you're sure everyone will understand that she can't afford it so it has to be cancelled? Even though you wouldn't really tell everyone, the thought of losing face might move her.

I really would try telling your DH about the wedding cake regardless of what you do about the naming though.

Original poster
gonnahavetocancel · 30/04/2008 17:50

girlfrommars, I would like to tell DH about the wedding cake, but it is done now and nothing I do or say now can change it.

I would love to talk to MIL about it all but she is very confronational and I dont want it to end up like that. I'm almost sure that she wouldn't care less that we have to cancel the entertainer.

OP posts:
serendippity · 30/04/2008 17:51

Could you not ask MIL if she could just pay for the ceromony? or do you think she won't do that?

girlfrommars · 30/04/2008 17:51

If the situation stays the same, I think that I'd cancel the entertainer, and talk to the lady who's doing the ceremony.

If you explain what's happened, she might allow you to pay in installments, or at least be understanding about you having to cancel.

yomellamoHelly · 30/04/2008 17:59

I'd still cancel tbh, but then I avoid owing anyone money if at all possible. If cancelling will be a problem (other than embarrassing) there'll be something in the t&cs about a cancellation fee. I'd also cancel the venue if you haven't handed over the £100 or anything even less than 50%. There's the cost of outfits, photos and lord knows what last minutes extras to factor in too. Say you'll rearrange something for the summer when you can all hang out in your garden. Credit crunch stuff is everywhere, I'm sure your families will understand that your financial situation has changed and respect your wish to be cautious. (Or they bloody well ought to!) No need to necessarily name and blame until asked further.
Would definitely NOT get a loan in this climate.

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