I changed my surname to something “random”. Do you think this is weird or disrespectful to my family?

[Itwillbeokay22]

I had a very traumatic childhood which involved severe bullying at school and emotional abuse at home from a family member. My surname was also very long, unusual and awkward and was one of the many things I was bullied for. So my surname was something I often connected to this horrible childhood.

When I started university several years ago, I saw it as a fresh start. I wanted to change my surname to something that I liked and that would help me detach myself and move on from these horrible childhood memories. Changing my surname to have this “fresh start” also seemed like far less of a hassle than changing my first name.

Rather than a name with any personal connection, I simply changed it to a name I had always I liked and felt suited to me.

I am close to my mum and maternal grandparents (my dad was the abusive one). They have never really said much about it, other than they “don’t mind”. I think they understand it wasn’t about disconnecting from them.

I also kept my middle name, which had been passed down the female members of my mums side of family for generations, so I still felt like I was keeping some kind of heritage in my name from that.

What do people think about this? Would you think someone was weird if they did this? Or disrespectful to their family?

I have considered recently changing it again - keeping my current surname but bringing back my mums surname to make it double-barrel. But would this seem even weirder?

When you say disrespectful to your family do you mean your dad’s side?

If it will make you happy then do it. I don't see anything wrong at all with changing your name and can completely understand it.

Seems like a proactive decision on your own behalf that made you feel better about yourself. Not weird at all.

It’s unusual but I can understand your reasons. I certainly don’t think it’s disrespectful, I don’t think names have anything to do with respect anyway.

I wonder why you didn’t change to your mum’s surname though? Not judging just for me that would have been my first thought.

Is it not an option to change to your mum's maiden name instead of the new name? That way you'd have the connection with your mum's side of the family.

I mean my mums side. I don’t know anyone on my dads side except him and his opinion doesn’t matter to me (for obvious reasons)

I did have my mums old surname in my name though - it was double barrel. But the whole surname was just so connected to this traumatic childhood, that changing it to something new seemed like the better option for me (rather than just dropping my dads surname)

No, you had good reasons to change it. But I would keep it as it is now and make it your own, rather than repeatedly changing it to please anyone else.

I think it’s fine. I don’t think it’s weird or disrespectful.

I did have my mums surname in my old name - it was double barrel. But the whole surname was just so connected to this traumatic childhood, that changing it to something new seemed like the better option for me

It only matters what you think about it.

Honestly, given the numbers of Mners apparently saddled with ‘awful’, unspellable birth surnames and itching to change them on marriage to their husbands’ lovely, easy surnames, you’d think far more of them would do precisely what you’ve done.

Oh I see that makes sense.

I completely understand, as I was also horribly bullied for my surname at school, and couldn't wait to get rid of it. I solved the problem by getting married at 21, which was a mistake however, but for other reasons!

Tbh I'd have changed it to another family name that I had a connection to, rather than something utterly random.

That way it's not disrespectful to your heritage.

I also changed my surname years ago.
So of course I think it is okay.
I like my ‘own’ name, so I don’t really care what anyone else thinks. Someone did say to me that it was like slapping my dad around the face with a wet fish, but it was a man which said that, and I think the surname traditions here are patriarchal so I was not bothered about that comment, really.

Couldn't wait to get rid of my name I just did it through marriage. Totally understandable

Surely you wouldn't change it back just to appease your dad's family. You chose your new name, so you must like it. It's nobody else's business. It's not like your friends or family ever use or address you by surname anyway? It's only official stuff like banks, tax etc where it will be used. So don't worry what others think.
It sounds like you have very reasonable grounds to wish to change it.

When I got married I told my husband I wouldn't take his name as it wasn't great and I teach, so I'd have been hearing it millions of times a day 😅 he changed his via deed poll to something we liked and that was that! Life is too short to have a rubbish name OP

Nobody would say it was disrespectful to your family if you got married and took your husband's name. In my opinion, changing your name to something you like is a better reason to change it than getting married.

Thank you. I completely agree

I think what you've done makes sense.
You used to be Jane Victoria Smith-Arsehole.
You wanted to drop the Arsehole bit that came from your father but didn't want to be Smith (mother's surname) as it was too similar to Smith-Arsehole.
So you changed it to Jane Victoria Dawson and the Victoria bit honours your mother's family.

I don't think it's disrespectful. If it helps you to live the happy life you deserve, be proud that this is your name, which is only associated with what you want it to be.

It sounds as though you are investing in your future and I hope you have great times ahead.

I want to do exactly this. I’ve just had a sudden thought about it this morning and searched on here lol 😂

I don’t see myself keeping my dads name - he’s cut off contact with me (age 37) because of his delirious jealousy of my mum having met someone new. (He’s been remarried since I was 5, still trying to figure this one!)

I wouldn’t be doing it to spite him, just that I don’t like to use it, I also may marry my partner one day, but I’m not sure I’d take his name and be the same as his kids and his horrid ex wife! my kids also have their dads name, and so I will never be the same as them which I sort of accepted from when they were young (now 15 and 12)…

hmmm maybe I need to keep pondering