Feel lost as kids getting older (4&7)

[boomsi]

I have a 7 & 4 year old.
I felt like I completely lost my identity the minute my eldest was born, and then obviously I've just been 'Mum' for 7 years.

Recently they have started playing together all the time. They play for hours and I've started to feel a bit like what the hell do I do?! Who am I?! I have no idea who this new person is. My old interests no longer interest me. I feel really lost and like I don't know where to begin to find out who the 'new me' is.

A part of me thinks just have another child because that's what I know now, but that's not really a good reason to have another!!

Has anyone else felt a similar way?? How did you discover who the hell you were again?

You spend time increasing your awareness, just being with yourself, no distractions. You could try a daily meditation practice to increase self awareness. You will eventually figure out what you want. It’s normal to feel lost after years of putting yourself and your needs last. Takes some time to rediscover yourself.

@starsbrawl I work 4 days a week, so I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way.

I'm just so used to coming home and being pounced on until 8pm, and then normally the weekends are 'Mum, can we do this? Can we do that?', but it's all just sort of chilled out in the last 6 months.

I've looked forward to this for so long. I finally have 1 day a week where they are in school and I'm home alone tidying, but I just spend the time feeling bored and thinking what would I like to be doing, but I have absolutely no idea 🙈

I just spend the time feeling bored and thinking what would I like to be doing, but I have absolutely no idea

Can you try out a few things? Start with something simple at home like a new series, gardening, drawing, whatever…

Or you could try a yoga or dance class? Or go to the cinema early on your day off?

You don’t have to stick with anything you try, but you might find something you like.

Make the most of it. Mine played quite nicely together at 4 and 7 too then declared war on each other at 9 and 6 😂

Surely at that age they will still be interested if you suggest activities to do together. What happens if you say
Do you want to bake cupcakes with me?
Will you help me carve these pumpkins?
Shall we go on a bike ride?

My mother spent my entire childhood thinking I didn't want to do anything with her but she never asked.

My two are like this now and play for hours. It's lovely really. I use the time to focus on my work, I always have work leftover and the more I do the sooner I'll get the role I've always wanted.

In terms of your role as a mum, I think this is now the time where you start to push more independence. With both my DC I'm asking them to step up more on chores for example. I also spend more time on education with them, so reading for longer, going through maths and English to make sure they're understanding what is covered in school, music practice etc.

They seem quite young for you to feel like this I think, they are still very young and need you to do lots for them! Plus there’s the PTA and school events to dive into, activities, ferrying them around etc

im starting to feel this way now but mine are 16 and 18!

Yes, I think I will just start off small. I haven't read a book in 7 years, whereas I used to love reading and also just doing little workouts from YouTube. Perhaps I'll start that again and see how it goes!

@Frozensnow oh god ok 🤣🤣. Will try and make the most of it hahah.

@starsbrawl relationship is good. We get on well and still enjoy each others company. Go out for dates etc when we can.

@Littletreefrog Yes, they do still enjoy doing things with me and will still ask, but it's just like today they played for 2 hours together while I sat downstairs just feeling lost. They did the same after school last week as well. I've been desperate for this stage, and I leave them play when they're playing because it's nice to have that break, but I'm struggling with how to fill it 🤣.

Appreciate that it should be a few more years before I feel this way. It might sound like I don't do anything with them but that's not the case. I'm just at a stage where they want me a bit less and are happy together rather than following me around nagging

I think every stage means something is new and something is lost. It’s natural to feel bereft when your role changes - if you feel a bit left behind I think it means the children are taking the lead and that’s exactly right.

at that age I took up hobbies that required me to be physically present and available at the drop of a hat, as you still need to be there for quite a lot. So: drawing/ painting/ knitting/ crafting. I also started experimenting with cooking, and getting dc involved too.

I never had a day a week at home but - and i know this sounds radical - but why not just do nothing?! You have two children and a job. Why not have a day relaxing in front of the tv or reading books or swimming or just sleeping? You don’t need to be productive. It sounds like you’ve got everything covered. Life will get busy again in no time. You’re allowed to just be.

@lonelyweather thanks so much, I think this is probably really good advice. I should just enjoy myself and just 'be'!!

2 hours?! Goodness woman sit down with a cup of tea and relax.

@Littletreefrog 🤣🤣

OP I’ve joined a book club with some mums from schoool which is fab as I always have a book I need to read and a long list of recommendations- on our last holiday I read 8 books which I NEVER thought would happen!! Otherwise I am doing uni work as I’m doing a masters currently which is a real slog but good to focus the mind! Before that I would generally clean when free for a hour 🤣

@boomsi this sounds like a wonderful position to be in! Enjoy it! Just out of interest (as mine are still little at 3 & nearly 2), what are your kids playing for 2 hours?

I feel exactly the same recently! Mine are quite a bit younger (2 and 4) but have recently started to play together in 30 min bursts. They aren't screeching at me to play as much as usual and seem to have recently learned how to occupy themselves. I feel like I'm just pacing about in the kitchen thinking of jobs to do! I don't think I have relaxed fully since having my first 4 years ago, so my body has forgotten how to just chill out and sit on the sofa!