Feeling not wanted in a relationship

[Clara8421]

Hope I am not alone on this one, and it's a bit embarrassing but here goes!

The last few years I haven't felt wanted (sexually) by my boyfriend, we have been together 14 years and it's really getting me down. I have spoken to him repeatedly about it and nothing seems to change, I ask him outright if he is still attracted to me and he says yes. When we do have sex it's so awkward, and he fumbles a lot and gets frustrated which as you can imagine kills the mood!

I'm only 40 and I have always had a very high sex drive but I feel like I'm missing out on life, I want to feel wanted again.

There is only so many times I can speak to him about this, and when I say speak I mean proper in depth discussions, we must of spoken about it 40-60 times, he makes the effort for a week and then it's back to usual.

It may sound trivial but it's really affecting me, it makes me feel lonely, unwanted, past it and does my self confidence no good. I have put on weight since we met but I have lost over 3 stone and he is still not interested, he's more interested in the garden or TV than he is having sex.

Has anyone else experienced this? It's getting to the point where I want to go on dating sites just to get messages so I feel wanted but I know that's cheating which I have never done.

I'm so confused!

So why do you stay?

Because I do love him, and there are more important things in a relationship than sex, especially after 14 years. Just wanted to know if anyone else had experienced this.

Does he love you?
If so then he loves you on his terms intimately.
He knows you’ll put up with no sex because you’ve had constant discussions and nothings changed.
He needs to be honest.
If you’re willing to live another 40 years with a partner who never wants sex then that’s on you.
I wouldn’t and I couldn’t.

You're incompatible, free yourself and be happy.

Sex drive is a biological instinct. We all have a type. Personally I can't stand beards - a complete turn off. I prefer a slim build and if DH developed a huge beer belly and become obese - that would definitely be a big sexual turn off for me . I wouldn't stop loving him though. .. and sexual attraction is so individual. It can be anything from body shape to hair colour.

What I'm saying is - sexual attraction and loving someone are not the same thing. Have you changed dramatically from the type he fancied originally ? I know you said you've lost 3 stone, but what is the context ? Put on 10 and lost 3 ? Or put on 2 and lost 3. ? Or has something else about your appearance. altered dramatically ?

That said .. you do also realise this could just as easily be nothing about you . ? Perhaps he had ED problems or some kind of underlying health issue that affects his sex drive . In which case you can only ask him to visit the GP.. before you give up.

It sounds as though you have slipped into the friend zone rather than remaining sexually attracted lustful partners. At 40 you deserve far more than a celibate yet loving relationship. You should be enjoying yourself in bed with your partner, not accepting this dull life as the norm. Tell him for the final time that you’re not happy with your sex life and either separate or have an open relationship.

I put on 6 stone through stress and a bad experience in my old work place and most just over 3, apart from that my appearance hasn't changed at all.

He never used to be like this, it's only the last few years.