Wasted life

[Perditus]

I have never felt so lost and alone as I do now. A while ago I had a health scare (thankfully that was all it was). However it has opened my eyes at what a waste of a life mine has been.

So, I am now 47, childless, thanks to chronic anxiety and social awkwardness I have never had a relationship, never learnt to drive and have ended up with a dead end job earning less than a grand a month, I still live with my parents who are both in their 80s, all of my friends now have families of their own and most have moved away. Other than my parents I literally have nothing or no one (not even any siblings, a few cousins but none are trustworthy). I get so angry with myself thinking I should just grow a pair and take control of what's left of my life, but then I think what's the point, I have no skills to get a better job and who the hell would want to be in a relationship with someone like me! I am just at a loss where to start, I have to laugh at myself (it took me 20 mins to gear myself up to call my GP today). When I think of what might have been and what never will be it makes me feel so low. I don't even know why I'm posting this, I know there's nothing anyone can say to change things, I think its the only way I'll tell anyone how I really feel.

I could have written large portions of what you have posted ❤️ Don’t have any answers but you’re not alone!

I think you're being really hard on yourself. You honestly don't know what life would have been like it you'd actioned a different path. We can only ever guess. You're very down on yourself. What are you proud of?

You’re not too old to make positive changes in your life. And do it for you, not in search of a relationship. Can you take up a new hobby or go to college/uni to learn something new?

Well, it’s a cliche but “today is the first day of the rest of your life”. What would you like to do? And what’s stopping you?

And where there really are things stopping you (depression, social anxiety) make a gentle plan to tackle them with support.

You have as much adult life left ahead of you as behind you. And now you have more wisdom and perspective.

Have you tried counselling? It doesn't have to be to 'fix' you, just to help you understand yourself, your motivations and what can be done about what's holding you back.

You are so nearly there, and if you can live off £1k you should be able to afford to live whilst retraining or getting more education or whatever it is you need to do.

I wish you well.

Similar position here in terms of relationship and lack of friends/ family...I worry about my folks passing as I rely on them a lot.

Also this! You don’t know what the other path would have been.

For all you know you would have been run over by a bus at 30.

And, also for all you know, maybe this here is your path and you are going to write a seminal novel, or discover the cure for cancer, once your in your 50s or 60s.

You've got a job.
You've got a relationship with your parents and probably your colleagues.
I bet you've got lots of good qualities.
I agree that you need counselling to help you open up to life's opportunities.
Your life has as much value as anyone else's. I too wish you well.

You can start living the life you want at any age. Being alone, having a family, lots of friends, kids etc etc all have their ups/downs. So you want a love life? Better job? More friends? Social life? You can have it all - start taking practical steps. Even if the end goal takes a while/years - the journey will be fun. So start tomorrow. Get help managing your anxiety? Go visit a college and enquire about some courses? Just being busy with these errands will give you some satisfaction and motivation. Stop about fantasising about the life you wish you had…much of you said is actually achievable.

Regrets and a sense of a wasted life are very painful. You are not alone. Things can change.

You've right in one way, no one can change anything, but you can. What do you want to happen? What would a better life look like? Think about what you want and then take some steps to make it happen. On line courses? College? OU,? Learn a new skill or craft. The more you put into something, the more you get out.

OP it’s never too late to retrain. My friend is 55 retraining as a nurse. I’ve changed careers twice. In the middle of doing it again in my 50s.

What is your current job? Can you be promoted in it if you move company?
If not, is there another career that you could start working towards?

Could you book sessions with a life coach?

💐

What do you enjoy doing?

do you have friends?

Did you even read OP’s post?

I hope the first thing you do is alter the way you speak about yourself and try a little compassion. If your inner voice is anywhere as bad as what you've typed about yourself then no wonder you have no hope for a better second half of your life. I know that is what helped me most to change. I realised I couldn't keep on listening to that voice in my head which just dragged me down. Have a look at some library books until you find a form of professional support via your GP. Just make sure they're written by someone qualified and not some wellness charlatan. I liked the late Michael Mosley's podcasts and 5 Resets by Aditi Nerukar and Dr Gemma Newman's Get Well, Stay Well.
Comparison can be a really negative thing - beware of what you watch, read and who you interact with. Perhaps if you start to think - is this person or activity making me feel better and adding to my life or draining me - it will help with your mindset.
Once your internal monologue is better and you aren't critical, you kindness towards yourself will make you more attractive towards others and will help expand your social networks. You'll want to take a chance to interact with others once that nasty inner voice is quiet.
It is not easy to change your life and when people try to change everything all at once, they give up quickly when they inevitably fail. Accept that some of your life isn't as you would wish but please stop catastrophizing and thinking it will always be so. Draft up a list of the things you want and then work backwards with a list of tiny steps you can take to get you to your end goal. Of course you can retrain and find a partner, if those are the things on your list. There will be lots of avenues to get on your chosen path but at least you have internet access to help you. Perhaps you could listen to lots of podcasts with a positive approach when you're feeling things aren't progressing fast enough. Just keep plugging away and surround yourself with positive cues to keep you on your new route.

A lot of people bloom later in life so why should you be any different? Good luck with the route you choose. (Hope that didn't sound too naggy or preachy - I've been in a similar dark spot and these approaches have helped me).

Go get the life you want now 🙂

Think of it a different way, you have your health, parents, a home and a job. So quite a bit to be proud of.
When I feel down or in a rut, I challenge myself to do something new. It doesn't have to be a big thing (which can be overwhelming), small steps are fine. So for me it was volunteering for a couple of hours each week where I met new friends who I really look forward to seeing. I also took up a new hobby at home, something I could do in my spare time. This hobby led me to try a weekend workshop where I met new people with so many different backgrounds.
So it doesn't have to be a big thing, try making small changes and challenge yourself, it wouldn't always work out - I tried country dancing but I was so bad at it, I gave up!

I’m middle aged too. I think it’s common for us at this age to feel this way in some way.

You have achievements, even if they feel small. You have a roof over your head (which by your post I assume will always be yours as you said you have no siblings), you have a job and you have your parents.
Some of the things on your list of things you haven’t achieved are still achievable, it’s not too late. You could look to retrain and find a better job, you still have time to meet a partner (some people don’t do this until they have retired), you could make new friends in a new job and you could learn to drive. Have you ever had lessons?

I know things feel overwhelmingly hard when you suffer from anxiety and social phobia (I’ve been there), but don’t give up on yourself. 47 is quite young by todays standards. You have so much life left to live.

Can I say, your life hasn't been a waste. You have parents who love you, friends who's lives you enrich, lives you have touched somehow without you even realising

Your life is only half way through, dont be so hard on yourself

Guess what? I never learned to drive till I was 44.

I too felt how you are explaining yourself when I hit peri menopause and tbh my early 50's weren't good. So much self flagellation over the what ifs, could/should have done better

What changed for me was seeing the GP and admitting how I was feeling and accepting medication. It took the edge of the anxiety, not straight off, took a while before I realised I was actually the same as everyone else

I too was in low paid work, which was fine, but in a toxic workplace. So I jumped ship, still low paid, but in a place where I am valued and that has really lifted me, built my confidence , encouraged me to make friends with co workers instead of keeping them as colleagues

My life isnt what I dreamed it would be, its a lot different from the plans I had as a teen, but it is what it is. And you know something, covid changed my way of thinking about my worth. Whilst everyone was hiding away indoors, I was an essential worker, I had to go in daily to keep people fed. So I wasnt a nurse or a doctor but I was important. And I keep hold of that, I am important, the job I do is essential, its amazing how that thought has really changed my mindset

Seek a good therapist. You haven't wasted your life at all. You could still be a Mother too maybe, there are ways other than marriage

You've loads of life left! Please don't fritter it away with what ifs. You could meet a "someone" yes, you might not, but first you need to try to widen your social circle a bit. Perhaps look at doing something to improve your work prospects, (not WFH) a short course - it doesn't have to be a PhD. Force yourself to go to anything you can to meet other people so you can practice basic small talk if you are a bit rusty. Most people are anxious when talking to new people, and are just glad someone has initiated a bit of conversation. It may take time and you will get some brush offs, but you have to try.

Time's so fleeting, don't wait another year or two to jump in.