Husband and coworker

[Joleine1]

Help! Husband went to a work golf day and gave me a time that he would be home. Our son stayed up to see him. When he didn't arrive 30 minutes later I called so see if he was okay. It was late at night and the road he was using is awful. He would always call if he was running late and we would chat about our day and use that time to catch up whilst he was driving. He said yes, the road was closed at one point so he had to divert and also stopped off for some food as he hadn't had dinner and was on the road heading home (he named the road which meant he was approx 15 mins away).

He wasnt his usual self and was very cold in conversation. Another 40 minutes later and he was still not home so I called him again. This time he said he had been diverted again due to another road closure and went via our neighbouring town to drop a female work colleague off. I said I had no idea she was in the car with him in the first place and that he never told me. It made me feel awkward knowing I had made a personal call to him and at no point did he mention there was someone in the car with him. He said he presumed I knew she was with him. How could I know something like this? And when he said he had stopped for food and was on his way he said "I", whereas he said he clearly used the word "we". I am adamant he didn't say "we'. I find this really sneaky and alarm bells are ringing big time. He made out like I was going crazy as saying I must have known she was with him when at no point did he ever tell mebefore the even or even on the call. He would always tell me if he was running late/stopped for food, etc. But this is making me wonder. What's your thoughts on this?

He's gas lighting you: making out you knew the woman was with him when you obviously didn't.
His behaviour sounds really off.
Do you know this woman colleague?

Super suspicious behaviour. Strongly indicative that he is either having an affair or soon will be. The gaslighting is the clincher. He wouldn't need to do that if it was as innocent as he claims.

He's a bullshitter and gaslighter. If it was totally innocent why not just say 'I'm dropping Mary off in Bognor, so I'll be x minutes late.'

It seems he was already spending plenty of time with her having dinner, that's probably why he's late. And he kept stalling. I hope he wasn't getting hammered and then driving...If he was even actually there to do his hobby at all?

I'd be questioning the whole bloody scenario to be honest.

Is there any history of cheating/ any background of his friendship with this woman I called Mary?

It doesn't look great unfortunately. And I'd be letting him know. Do not let him claim you're going nuts or whatever.

Exactly what I said to him, I've got Mary in the car, we just stopped off for some food and I'm quickly dropping her off then I'll be home. But no! No drinking, no know cheating in the past and they were at a golf day. He is totally gaslighting me this morning saying "I presumed you knew!" I've asked him how I would've know to which he can't answer. He is making out like im being unreasonable and he is saying I am being unbelievable

I've met her once. She is new. I didn't like her when I met her, at all. She was very cold to me. He believes she is great.

Well your updates don't sound good OP .

I think you need to emphasise to him that you are not a fool. That you know he is not being honest with you. And that there needs to be honesty in your relationship.

I think you need to be really on the alert going forward about his behaviour because the signs are there that this could be a developing relationship with this woman.

How do you all deal with things the next day/ weeks thereafter? What needs to change and what do you put forward to him? Just feel so angry and sad and betrayed, I just don't know how to "be"

I honestly think OP you should post this in the Relationship topic because I think you are likely to get more replies and more help there.

Unfortunately the situation you describe where a husband gets smitten by a new colleague, even though he has been previously a loyal and trusted partner, is quite a common theme in threads.
I think you can ask MN to move this thread or perhaps start a new one.

It's horrible for you as it's clear this has come out of nowhere.

Tell him you're no fool and there'll be no second chances if you find out there's more to this. Then drop it and become Miss Marple on the sly. He'll eventually drop his guard if he thinks you've dropped it.

You can't change him or trust him now. Time to start ensuring your setup financially and plan your escape - def see a solicitor.

Absolutely this.

He said he presumed I knew she was with him.

Yep, alarm bells here. Classic gaslighting.

Holy crap that escalated quickly.
Why would you bring this question here when you know how MNers will react?!
It's odd he didn't say 'oh btw Mary's in the car with me' when you called to at least stop you from saying something a little too personal. But given that he didn't it explains his offishness on the phone.
It's naff he was late without calling and wasn't totally transparent about the dinner and stuff but people are leaping to conclusions which are ten miles away from the evidence you have and you could end up losing a happy relationship over something really trivial.
Maybe there were other people from the work event at the meal. Maybe he felt bad about not being honest with you when she was in the car or about his lateness and is embarrassed and being a man about it and struggling to say sorry. He's defensive so going on the attack.
Cool your beans. I think it's reasonable to point out that you are not an idiot and you know what he said and ask him if he can see how that looks a bit suss from your perspective.
Forget being Miss Marple and starting a suspicious thing where you're spying on him all the time, or heading off to the solicitor. That's mad.
Just be honest with him. Say the way he was has set alarm bells ringing for you and does he like this woman? Have an actual conversation with him. Yes you should trust your gut but you are so far from any evidence that he is cheating on you from this one incident that you should also be aware that it's easy to put 2 and 2 together and make 56. Have an honest conversation and let the guy do some explaining and then see how you feel. Good luck. I hope you get some answers that put your mind at ease.

Doesn't look good.

If there was ever a scenario where my guy had to drop a woman off, he'd immediately call me and let me know he was going to be late and why. It's basic respect. The red flag here is him saying he presumed you'd just magically know because obviously you have carrier pigeons alerting you to his every move.

That's really obvious gaslighting and he's either doing that because he doesn't want the argument or because he's up to no good.

I would 100% check if there was indeed road diversions

Definitely should have told you sounds pretty suspicious. You could try going over the interior of the car with a UV light see if you can find any evidence check receipts/bank statements etc to see if 2 meals or 1! Were the roads actually closed?

I'm of a similar opinion to Z0rr0, it could just be that he can't remember that he's not told you about who he was going to give a lift to. Therefore he thinks you had more knowledge about the length of the trip. He didn't actually say that he was going to be home in 15 mins, when you first called him and having a colleague in the car during the call would alter how he might respond to you.

I know that there's always a first time but he's previously been loyal and trustworthy. It's not that unusual for work colleagues to offer lifts home regardless of gender and it would explain the extra driving time.

If he is going to cheat then it's going to show in other "missing" bits of time or in his demeanor but if he's innocent then you'll drive a wedge by being suspicious all the time.

If you are really convinced there's more to it, then look into the road closures, there's records of those. Start with irrefutable facts before throwing away your relationship on what might just be a bloke who is a bit rubbish at communicating fully and might be feeling a bit bad about being out later than he'd intended to.

Perhaps because you’ve already said you don’t like her he kept quiet about he being on the trip or in his car. I wouldn’t jump from this to he’s having an affair.