Im wanting to hear from others in similar situations or advise me if this was abuse. Im facing challenges and having a psychiatrist assessment ahead of probation. Ive never spoke of this before as I think ive mentally blocked it. But I feel I need too.
Growing up I lived with my mum who was at the time called ‘manic depressive’ which I’ve later learnt was bi polar disorder. I have now been estranged from her for 7 years. I only found this out from old social services papers I found and read as a child. As children she was unable to get out of bed and lacked motivation. She would impulsively buy items, food but would not store it correctly. We had bags of out of date food/tins on one side of the kitchen piling to the ceiling. Down the hall way to the front door were bags of food, she had brought with no where to store. Neatly against the wall. Some of this food was frozen food, fish veg ect. She would spend hours cooking due to no motivation and feed us this food, which would be severely out of date and some times green. She would pick the green off bread. I was left to eat this alone so I would wrap it in tissue and hide it in the side board. I wasn’t able to have a full evening meal because of this. Later all the hidden food was found and I was accused of a eating disorder. I couldn’t force myself to eat it or upset her by not. I’d dispose of it in a toilet when I could. We didn’t have beds, all the upstairs rooms in the house was filled with impulsive buying, bags upon bags of items to the ceiling, against the walls, up against the windows. With a small walk way to get in. The curtains in all rooms were never opened as she didn’t like the light. I slept with my mum on the hard carpet in the front room in front of the fire. One pillow between us, with no carpet underlay. I loved this at the time as I was close to her but I never had a bed until I was 12. We had money for a bed but the rooms were full and she wanted us close. Sometimes I’d sleep on my elder brothers floor, next to his bed. As he grew up he made his own bedroom and brought his own bed. He moved out at 18. We weren’t all of to sit on the sofa or touch items she liked so much. We always sat on the floor to eat. My elder brother who I speak about resented her and had to some what take care of us. He became physical towards me and would regular beat me. I was punched so hard once my ribs cracked and I couldn’t breath. I was excused from pe for weeks in pain but nothing was ever said. Another time he purposely burnt my ear with the curling irons out of frustration when he was trying to get me ready for a school disco. He was have to run us baths, but again frustrated he would make them scalding and force us to get in. I was around 8-10 I reckon. Him being 18. He later cried at my wedding, I reckon from all this. He hurt me physically for years, hit my mum and I self harmed because of this. I got took to a&e after slashing all my legs. No one asked why. My dad was taking us out twice a week, which was great but he too never asked. And I never said. My younger sister is severely autistic and she got head lice so bad, due to my mum being unable to keep up with hygiene that her head needed to be shaved. I remember her pillow was laced with tiny black spots (now I know we’re nit eggs). I remember having impulsive holidays due to her episodes which were good times, apart from being hit by my brother. I would come in from school and my mum would be asleep under a cover on the front room floor, in complete blackness. We wernt aloud people in due to the state of the house, so no one really new. I now have issues from this and bi polar myself. I’ve been thinking back to it recently and think I should really talk about it all. Mum was loving but protective, didn’t let us have relationship with our dad not really and would call us out for romantic relationships later in life. Social services didn’t help back then, so feel they could of.
What are your thoughts?