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Original poster

am i being a pushy mum?

23 replies

micci25 · 16/04/2008 23:17

my dd 4 started dance classes she loved them but 6 weeks ago she said she didnt want to go any more, so i let her leave, but ever since she has been talking about when she is a good ballet dancer, when she is the next show, when she is in comps etc. i explained to her today that this wont happen as she has left dancing she said she wanted to go back so we had a chat and she revealed that she really enjoys but doesnt like having to go when other things are on, e.g. today she wanted to go to her nan's for tea then come home and watch a film then go to dance class this wouldnt have been possible as she would have missed her class.

also if she wants to be in the shows and comps, which she does, she has to go to every class without fail. her classes are an hour each tues wed and thurs straight after nursery.

she has now also said that she wants to start trampoling club which is monday eve and sat morns so she would only have sun and fri where she is not doing any activities.

do i push and make her go to dance classes when they are on as i know that she enjoys them once she is there and i know she wants to progress at this, or do i let her go just when she feels like it but then she may feel left out when all her friends are doing the shows and comps she wanted to do, or do i just stop taking her even though she enjoys it? also wouldnt trampoling too be too much for her? she is only 4 and already underweight but has an endless amount of energy

OP posts:

nametaken · 16/04/2008 23:23

In my experience 4 year olds say they want to do everything.

I personally think that 2 extra curricula activities (of about one hour each) per week is more than enough for a key stage 1 child.

Kids this age are very very fickle!

chopchopbusybusy · 16/04/2008 23:28

Three hours a week of ballet sounds like a lot for a 4 year old.

TheLittleElf · 16/04/2008 23:32

Tbh i would maybe transfer her interest to trampolining. At least with this she can dip in and out of it if something else comes up, without getting 'left behind'.

My girls do it once a week and have progressed through the badges quite quickly so far, which has kept their interest aswell

Original poster

micci25 · 16/04/2008 23:37

only one hour is ballet one is jazz and tap and the other is a special class which gets her ready for the comps as she is only 4 the only catagory she could compete in would be song and dance so she does that one hour a week she says she likes them but likes her special class more.

thing is if doesnt go to her other classes she will lose her place in her special class, which i think she probably already has, as she hasnt been for about 6 weeks so she would do two hours of jazz and tap a week and one hour of ballet till another place came up in the special classes! today she adamant that she wants to do eveything but i dont know what to do for the best. she has been going no problem for about a year and loved the xmas show last year once it got started but hated all the extra lessons she had to before it. she wont be in this year if she doesnt at least two classes and week and the more lessons she has the more dances she will be in in the play. last year she was quite upset she only had two dances and all her friends had loads! (she is in a class with the over 5's coz the younger class is on when she is in nursery so all her friends are older)

OP posts:

zazen · 16/04/2008 23:45

"am i being a pushy mum?"
IMHO yes, a bit - I know it's nice for her to be included in things... but she's only 4.

I'd let her chill out and play with you, a friend/s her own age, and visit her nan's tbh.

Plenty of time for her do do more classes when she's older and she can benefit more from them.

She's only a little un yet.

Original poster

micci25 · 16/04/2008 23:48

she cant really play with her friends though as none of them seem to live in our area that is another problem. her only social interaction outside of nursery is at dancing

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 16/04/2008 23:50

she doesn't need constant social interaction though.

OverMyDeadBody · 16/04/2008 23:57

You do sound a bit pushy. She goes to nursery so gets plenty of social interaction there.

BlinkingNoraWotzThat · 16/04/2008 23:59

sometimes children need to sit and find out how to entertain themselves for an hour. That thing colditz said.

Original poster

micci25 · 17/04/2008 00:06

yeah i know she does and i realise that it does sound a bit much and maybe the trampoling too is a bit much but she has told me that she enjoys all her classes once she gets there she would just prefer them to be on when she is ready rather than when they are on!!! but the things she wants instead or before, she doesnt really miss out on! she only ever wants to go to her nan's, or watch films on the disney channell. she goes to her nan's for dinner after dancing and we have sky plus so i tape anything she wants to see. when she makes a big fuss i dont push her to go but then she just sits in front of the tv or pc all night!! when she could have been with her friends doing something she enjoys!!! most of the time all i have to do to get her to go when she is whinging about it is say, lets just go there and you can put your uniform on and go into the class if you dont want to stay come out and we will go home!! but then when it comes to going home she wants to stay and do another class!!

all i wanted to know is do i make her go to all of her classes even when she is moaning so that she does get to do all of these shows and comps she wants to do or do i just let her stay home but then she will feel she has missed out when it comes to the show and she isnt in as many dances again?

OP posts:

Solitaire · 17/04/2008 00:10

Can I just interject. She's four years old and your talking about ALL her classes and shows and comps. She 4 years old!! Could she not just do 1 dance class? I understand the need to make a child stick to a commitment when they'ye joined a club, but maybe this is a tiny bit of overkill

SmugColditz · 17/04/2008 00:11

Decide, you decide, what you want her to do, and do just that.

She is far too young to have total autonomy over her own leisure time. Of course she doesn't want to miss out, no child does, but isn't it a bit telling that what she wants to do with her leisure time is slump in front of the Tv? She's probably really tired, and being 4, doesn't realise it!

LookattheLottie · 17/04/2008 00:18

Others are right, at 4yo she will be very fickle and find it difficult to stick to an activity. I'd stick to one or two activities for her, otherwise she'll feel overloaded and wont really have an idea of what she really likes.

Also, be willing to change, if she wants to try something different, let her. She can always go back to a previous activity at a later date if it becomes of interest to her again.

islandofsodor · 17/04/2008 00:24

I run drama/singing classes myself and my dd goes to 3 hours 45 mins of performing arts based class per week (ballet, jazz, singing and drama, however she is 6.

I have seen 4/5 year olds doing the level of classes that your dd is doing burn out.

I personally feel that the dance school should be able to prepare her for everything in the alloted class time. My dd's ballet class is 45 mins, all exam work is done then as is all preparation for shows. 4 is very young to be competing and you have to be careful

I would say that reducing her class time will encourage her to have more of a commitment and I do insist on absolute commitment for dd. She is not allowed to miss a class for any reason other than illness.

At 4 she was doing half an hour of ballet after school, then 90 mins of combined singing, dance drama on Saturdays. That is ample.

The dance school must be mad holding 1 hour ballet classes. Concentration levels at that age are minute, they could do everything in 45 mins I am sure.

As a teacher I would say this is too much. Some schools are very pushy though and show rehearsals can get ridicuoous.

You are not pushy necessarily but that schedule is way too much for a 4 year olds.

pinkbubble · 17/04/2008 00:25

My DD does Ballet, but it is only for 45minutes a week. Just before an exam they do 3 extra lessons of 30 mins. The exams only happen once a year!

This really seems a lot! DD is 8 yrs old.

Original poster

micci25 · 17/04/2008 01:19

yeah the school is pushy but not as pushy as some around here the show did get a bit silly though it felt like we we were at rehearsal every day even sunday lunch time and the day after boxing day!!! her show was after xmas and unfortunatley the week she went back to nursery so she was very tired but she really enjoyed it!!! they had to stop her running on stage when it wasnt her dance at times! she was allowed to stay backstage to watch her friends!

i have thought about changing her dance school but then we are moving soon i knew this when she started dancing class so picked a school near to where we will be living however i didnt know this when she started her nursery so she will be going to a different primary! away from the friends she has made! but i know that some of the girls she likes in dancing go to her school and even though they are older than her i hoped that a friendly face in the playground might be comforting for her! also the kids in the younger class will be moving up during the summmer hols and some of those who are her own age will prob be going to the same primary

OP posts:

purpleduck · 17/04/2008 01:41

That seems waaay too much for a 4 year old. I agree with Colditz too - kids NEED down time.

Kids need to relax - so many anxiety related disorders are just skyrocketing with young people. I really think alot of it is down to the constant stream of activities.

Is there a ballet class that does less time.

BTW, at 4, the "Show" can be many things. When dd did ballet, their "show" was the end of term class that parents could sit in on.

fwiw, I have come to the conclusion that if dd really doesn't want to go to her activities (she is 6, and does 2 things a week) then she can stay home every now and again. Otherwise it gets like a job, and thats no fun.

Also, they are still little - they get tired!

Original poster

micci25 · 17/04/2008 01:51

the show is the xmas play and they seem to take it very seriously but then it is open for the public not just parents and you have to pay for tickets so i guess it is important for it to be good and all the kids seemed to enjoy it even though they seemed to get shouted at quite a bit during rehearsal and told they were rubbish etc which i didnt agree with, but that was tghe older group aged about 6 -11 not dd's group and they were messing around quite a bit!! which doesnt excuse it i know!

i think i might just let her do her three classes when she is wanting to but let her have time off too if she really wants to and just make sure she is aware she may not get a bigger part in this years play as she was hoping to do! or maybe after she has started school and settled in and made friends i might look into changing her dance school but i think they are very pushy im my town as they all seem to compete with each other

OP posts:

twentypence · 17/04/2008 06:04

If you commit to do something you do it all the time, it's not fair to the others to only go when she feels like it.

So pick something and tell her she has to go because "that's what we do on Tuesdays".

At 4 she will not understand having a small part is directly related to how many movies she watched instead of being at class. I don't think you can "make her aware" of this.

I'd wait until she is older and more self motivated OR make her go - but your middle ground is just reminding me of all those deluded "singers" on pop idol or "so you think you can dance" who think that just wanting something is the same as working towards it.

islandofsodor · 17/04/2008 09:08

If the dance school has to have them at rehearsal every day in order to prepare for the show then it is a money making excercise for them.

My dd's dance school is one of the best in the area (I was very picky being in the trade myself) and they are required to attend ONE dress rehearsal at the theatre. It is a public show with tickets. Other schools in the area are far more glitzy but it is all show and no substance.

Being that pushy at 4 is not on. I would find a different class where she can enjoy herself and still get a chance to perform but without so much pressure. At my dd's school the baby class gets the option of only performing in the matinee if the whole run is too much for them. At that age there should be that degree of flexibility.

You say your dd was allowed to stay backstage to watch her friends. Did they have licensed chaperones? There are strict rules regarding children at the theatre, how long they are allowed to be there etc.

nametaken · 17/04/2008 13:10

There you go then, you asked if you were being a pushy mum and we answered.

Probably not the answer you wanted though.

Sorry

AtheneNoctua · 17/04/2008 13:28

I don't think you are being a pushy parent -- thought I've been the subject of that accusation in the past so I might not be the best person to judge. But, the reason I think you are being pushy is because it is not you who is initiating the desire for ballet. My DD is just 5, and I have a two activities per week rule. She takes ballet on Wed (incidentally she moans about it and says it's boring but then has a good time when she is there so I make her go without fail unless she is sick). And on Tuesday she has tennis. She wants very much to take a Saturday morning Dance/Drama/Music clas and I am pondering letting her pick up a 3rd activity. But, I think it would only be three activities for one term and then I will ask DD to choose between ballet and the music/dance/drama class.

branflake81 · 17/04/2008 14:23

is it really necessary for her to do so much dancing? Can't she just go to one class a week, at least for the next couple of years until she's older and then if she really wants to do all the showy stuff she could start then?

It all seems a bit alien to me as I have no experience of this world but I think 3 hours of dancing a week is a lot, even for an adult!

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