Cantankerous old fart

[ProudMamaBear92]

Ugh so partially I’m venting and partially really want to know what to do because I’m loosing my mind. It is a first world problem and I know that but still.
Myself DH and our DS who’s only 16mo live all together with Grampa, my dad. It’s been about a year and we’re all living in a tiny house but we’re upsizing and building him an annex as soon as we move. Grampa is so helpful with DS and has him the times he’s not at day care and ferries us around a lot etc. he’s a good person. But he’s such a cantankerous old fart! He complains about EVERYTHING. From 8am- 8pm it’s a stream of negativity, finding things to get angry about, sometimes very right wing complaining which I don’t support but he’s of that generation..
It’s driving me potty. I need his help with Ds as I work full time and weekends. DH works in the city so is home late and only has 1 day a week with DS. I try to make jokes and say “can we start the day off happy today?” And he gets mad at me. Sometimes I snap and tell him I do t want to listen to the complaining and can we just not today. But he gets angry. I try to tune out and then he gets angry because he’s literally eating me to solve these problems and he puts everything on me. Like I can’t help you with a phone call you had yesterday that didn’t go you way… wtf. Me and DH try to purposely talk about happy things around and it’s a running joke about how quick does he turn the conversation into a conspiracy theory or make it political..how do I stay zen? Or do I suggest with beat each other with foam bats ?! Help

It doesn’t sound as if it’s working, for any of you.
I guess you could try having a family discussion about that, but I wouldn’t be too hopeful. He sounds unpleasant and rigid - it’s not just a generational thing - not all elderly people are right wing!
I get that he’s helping you out and it sounds as if you can’t afford to live in a different way at the moment, so it must be really hard.

Can you really see yourself putting up with this for the rest of his life though? Would you not all get on better, and enjoy each others company more, if you had distance? The annexe idea sounds awful and won’t solve anything ultimately.
Sorry not to be more positive myself!

sometimes very right wing complaining which I don’t support but he’s of that generation.

From the age of your child I would guess that I am "that generation" - no right wing complaining here, nor among my mates! Beware generalisations, both because they are bad per se, but also because you may be glossing over a bigger problem. This sort of low-grade paranoia can sometimes be a pre-cursor to dementia. Has he always held these views and grumbled so much like this or is this a relatively new thing?

Get hold of some brochures on Senior living homes and flats and arrange a family meeting. Tell Grampa you can see just how unhappy he is living with you and while you love him dearly and really appreciate his help, you can't bear to see him so unhappy in his later years. Ask him why he acts the way he does and show him the brochures, saying you've changed your minds about moving and feel he would be much happier with other older people. Give him time to speak and listen, let him vent and stay calm. Say nothing more, leave him with the brochures and say you'll all be back later. He has a right to decide how he spends the remainder of his life but he doesn't have the right to make everyone else unhappy. Something has to change, in 2 more years your son will probably be out at college and/or working so Grampa would be lonely and not able to support anyone. He obviously has some beef about someone, or something and it's time you found out.

If he can be trusted to look after ds he’s hardly ready for an old peoples home. How old is he? Do you think it will be better when he’s in the annexe and you can have time apart? If not then you need to rethink and get some other child care. Slip some CBD into his tea? (Joking about that)

Whose house is it?

Or did you move in together?

If he's offering significant free childcare you may need to suck it up.

Or
If you feel
You can't then live separately.

"He's of that generation"?

Which generation is that then? The one that has as many and varied political views as any other generation?

in 2 more years your son will probably be out at college and/or working

The son is 16 months old.

I'm 66 and probably 'of that generation ' except I gave never been right wing, hardly any of my friends are, so don't dismiss a generation so casually. I understand your need to vent, but this doesn't sound like a good situation for any of you

I would say that Grampa needs some other interests - is there a mens shed nearby, choir, fishing, biking, church, gardening group - U3A would be GREAT.
He will have less time to help you but will have lots of people to moan about or socialise with. As it's near the move time I would hang on in - the world is a bluddy difficult place nowadays with no human contact about complaints or to help, and regular scam phone calls but he needs distracted imv.

I think what the OP means by "that generation" is that if someone had views they were less likely to be challenged 30 years ago. For example, in the 80s saying something derogatory about homosexuals wouldn't have been shocking to most people, whereas today it's just not socially acceptable and would most likely be challenged. It doesn't matter what your personal views are now, I think the OP is talking about what is/was acceptable in society.

Yes LynetteScavo that is what I mean by that generation. Not meaning to offended anyone who is not like that. My mum wasn’t like it but she’s not with us anymore. He’s generally politically incorrect and a bit offensive in today’s society, he hasn’t adapted to life today and is intolerant.

We all own the house together, it was my idea and still want it to work. He’s faaaar too young and able for a care home and he’s said he’ll never go in one. I was hoping by all being together he would stay young and active and generally be happier, which I believe he is. He seems to enjoy the complaining sometimes! I just can’t bare listening to it! I think once he’s in his annexe it’ll be easier because I can just shut the door!

By being all together there are significant advantages - you are right he will stay younger and be more involved.

Some people do just enjoy complaining and are moany type people. Not sure I have any advice for that - other than make sure you get time away from him. If he's always been moany he's unlikely to change.

The OP's ds is 16 MONTHS not years.

He's not a good man if he's whingeing so much that it's affecting your life!!

And how is he with ds? Can he switch off the casual racism/homophobia/attitudes you don't like? If so, why can't he do the same with you?

How old is he? Aged 80+ probably not going to change, but younger than that, should be quite aware that type of behaviour is not acceptable.

Well, if you find him that annoying then you won’t want him to look after your DS, will you? So start looking into paid for childcare.

He probably finds you and your husband as annoying as you find him tbh.

I’m not sure different generations living together when both are used to running their own households often works out that well.

That's bullshit. Nobody I mixed with in the 80's was sexist, racist or homophobic. The 1980's wasn't the 1880's. Haven't you ever heard of the alternative comedy movement? It all depended on the circles you moved in, just exactly as it does these days. Working class people are generally more likely to be anti immigration, homophobic and make highly offensive jokes. I know, I live on a council estate and I hear it all the time (especially from men). The people I mixed with in the 80's (and now) were educated and progressive and politically very aware. In any event, 30 years ago was 1994 not the 1980's.

@ginasevern You don't mix with homophobic, racist of sexist folk and never have done, but you are surrounded where you live by working class men who are openly homophobic, racist and sexist?

So it's not society as a whole that is more accepting now than a few decades ago, now that homosexuality in the armed forces is no longer illegal, and same sex marriage is legal? OK. It's probably that cantankerous Grandpa is working class then.

Tell him he’s got 15 minutes a day to tell you his moans and worries and then that’s it. Anything else you say save it for tomorrow’s 15 minutes. Keep it at the same time if you can.
I weaned my granddaughter from constantly worrying by telling her to save them up and we would let them all out for five minutes once a day, then gradually got them to once a week. Just knowing she had an outlet seemed to make her feel calmer.

I'm not sure I understand your post. I'm quoting my own, personal experience and obviously this doesn't apply to everyone. I've lived on a large, white, working class council estate for the last 20 years. I have found that comments, jokes and opinions which I thought had died out long ago are still firmly held and largely acceptable here.

So no, "society as a whole" is not more accepting than it was 3 decades ago. I would've thought that was fairly obvious. You only have to read the comments section in the Daily Mail or have witnessed the recent riots. Do you think the majority of those rioters would be "gay friendly" or not have an ounce of malice towards people of colour?

Homosexuality may not be illegal in the armed forces but there is still a very high rate of suicide due to bullying and misogynistic attitudes are rife. The same goes for the Police, who are arguably even worse. Surely you've read the innumerable accounts of harrassment of gay, black and female personnel in the army, police and fire service?

Take a trip to a working men's club. I think you'd find the comedy night quite an eye opener and you certainly won't find many same sex couples in the audience, even if it is legal.

If you honestly think the whole of society has changed and that homophobia, racism, sexism and misogyny are confined to the history books or people over 80 years old, you are unfortunately mistaken.

People definitely were quite homophobic in the 80s. It all changed in the 90s. Consider the reaction to the lesbian kiss on Brookside. However, many people much older than this Grampa seemed to change their own attitudes so he seems quite bad for someone who is probably in his 50s or 60s.

Exactly @Gwenhwyfar!

@ginasevern you seem to be contradicting yourself.

@ProudMamaBear92 - does Grumpy Grampa have friends he can off load his grump to? If not, it might be worth encouraging him to find his people. You can then the. smile and say "you know we don't agree with you about that" and quickly change the subject knowing he has an outlet for his nonsense.

@LynetteScavo

"you seem to be contradicting yourself"

In what way am I contradicting myself? I've said that a section of society was homophobic, racist, sexist (and everything else 'ist) in the 1980's and a section of society remains so today. The whole of society has not moved forward or been "enlightened". I don't honestly see how anyone can possibly argue otherwise. Ask any minority group, whether that be due to ethnicity, sexual orientation or disability. My own experience informs me that society as a whole is still very far from an egalitarian and cultured idyll.