Friendship

[Co84]

I am in a group of friends that have been friends from school. Well I’m in their WhatsApp group. But despite my efforts i never seem to be able to make arrangements with these people to meet up outside of group. So I kinda think they clearly don’t want to spend time with me. But they still invite me to the really big events and expect me to chip in for birthdays. They are all still super close but don’t seem to want to make the effort with me unless it’s in the group as a big event. So basically this means when I do get invited I feel awkward going as they are all still super close and I feel a spare part. The thing is none of them have really done anything wrong, they’re just closer with each other and make no effort with me. So normally I would just take a step back. But I seem to be struggling with just cutting them off. So instead I awkwardly chip in and I go to the big events. I realise I sound a bit pathetic and i might b told to be more assertive and move on maybe, which is fair. But I’m not exactly inundated with friends these days and cutting people out feels very final. So I just continue feeling awkward 😂 anyone else feel they don’t fit in their friendship groups?

You need to stop it, for your own self esteem

Reframe who they are to you. They are old school friends - casual acquaintances who you catch up with at big events.

Don't drop them but stop chasing them as close friends. Think about your values in life and search for some close friends who match them, regardless of their age, status, other things in common.

Yes I agree, I definitely do need to work on my self esteem a bit. I’m also terrible at letting go. I just don’t feel we do connect that well as people now. Maybe I’m clinging onto the past. Even when I do meet up with them something feels off, like I’m not a priority. But I am shy and socially awkward when I’m not comfortable. They’ve become very close and my life has changed and gone in a different direction. I only have a couple of very close friends now.

Thank you. The thing is it’s a weird one. As I kind of do see them as acquaintances now but I’m still in their chat and they act as if we’re all equally close when it comes to birthdays/big events. It’s almost like they don’t realise. I could leave the chat I guess but that seems a bit final. So I kinda just stay and wait to be included for the big events. Not sure I’m explaining it too well. But they have become super close within the group, well one knows one from early childhood and another lived close to the other for years so became super close. And then there’s me 😂

The most obvious step would be to mute and archive the WhatsApp chat.

That way you can read it when you want to but ONLY when you want to.

After a while you can always leave if you want to with a “sorry, everyone, I’m just not keeping up with the chat anymore”

Very true. The chat is dead. It literally only wakes up when there’s a big event or birthday. That’s when I feel like the group mentality comes in useful and I guess I come in useful. For the rest of the time everyone just does their own thing with who they’re close to. I guess I just need to work out if I’m just happy with that situation. I think I am, it’s just frustrating when it comes to the birthdays etc as I’m like that’s literally the only time this chat wakes up! I only felt properly close to one person in the group really, and even that seems to have changed as our lives have changed. Do you know what though it’s been really helpful putting it on here and seeing peoples perspectives. Kind of helps me to realise how I’m feeling and why it’s bothering me. So thank you 🥰

Latest request to chip in has come round and I’m thinking I might just be honest and say I’ll do my own thing but thanks for asking me. My ultimate problem is I’m a people pleaser who finds herself going along with things to be liked and so I don’t end up alone. It’s sad when I say it out loud!

We had a wider group like this that faded into a smaller due to circumstances, nothing deliberate and definitely nothing to do with not liking anyone. Could you talk to the one you were close to, if it's troubling you? I'd probably just let it tick along if it were me.

"[...] say I’ll do my own thing but thanks for asking me."

I think that is a good plan, OP!

I’m not sure if I could nowadays, we’re just not as close now. Part of me is just go along with everything and keep the peace. But I’m kinda tired of feeling a bit taken for granted.

I think once I pluck up the courage today I will. I just hate the thought of people thinking badly of me. But also kind of tired of feeling a bit taken for granted.

How many people in the group? It could genuinely be if they're split into a couple of smaller entities that they don't realise you don't hang out with any of the others, if you see what I mean? So they don't mean to be taking advantage? Do they contribute to a present for you?