Struggles with DH after FIL dying

[Unsure05]

FIL died almost 3 weeks ago after being sick for a long time, it was still quite a sudden decline though and DHs mother died when he was 14, he has no grandparents left. I can’t even imagine how he’s feeling, I have both parents and all grandparents still so I don’t even know what this must feel like. We live almost 2 hours away from the town we met where our families are. DH doesn’t drive so for context, when we got the call from the hospital, I had to quickly pack up us and our 2 DDs (18 months and just turned 4) to go and we stayed with my parents on and off for 2 weeks while sorting out FILs flat and things after. I drove so he would get there in time and so he had support, and due to the amount of stuff we wanted to bring back with us.

Now during all this upheaval and of course with grandad dying, our eldest has shown larger than normal emotions, bigger meltdowns over seemingly small things and had has started hitting out, kicking, slapping at mainly me but also sometimes her younger sister and dad. I’m holding space for her while keeping the boundary of hitting is never okay. But DH fuse is so short, understandably, but he shouts so loud at her sometimes over such small things. Like it was her birthday the other day and he was sat doing a puzzle with her when she got frustrated with it and pulled it all apart so he literally shouted at her saying he wasn’t doing it again with her and stormed off making her cry so much on her BIRTHDAY. She does silly things like all kids do and he will snap and be so over the top. Now I am taking on all I can, giving him the space and time he needs, taking the kids out if he’s overstimulated etc. He’s still sorting out logistical stuff about his dad’s death and he does house work etc like he’s still doing stuff but I’m taking on the majority of parenting stuff and day to day. And I’m happy to do that, but him causing this level of upset to our eldest, who is also starting school soon and has that and those nerves to handle too, is just too far for me. It’s not fair on her. How can I handle this? I have no one who might understand his side here to give me advice. I don’t know what to expect of him regarding parenting and help. Any advice is welcome please!

I think you tell him your young daughter needs a father now,even if he no longer has a Dad.

@AnnaSewell I’ve said similar, that life at home won’t just stop but then he just beats himself up for being too harsh and just feels worse it feels like I can’t win

Don’t do this! What a horrid thing to suggest.

I think you need to tell him to be angry with the world not your daughter and that he’ll only drive her away and she’s alive. Say out loud it’s the grief making him this way, it’s not your DD’s fault his DF is no longer here and not to make her feel guilty about something that’s not her fault

Have a sensitive chat with him about walking away rather than lashing out. But also have realistic expectations of him. He’s grieving and will have far less bandwidth to manage his emotions. Also bear in mind that this is temporary and he will heal. DD won’t be damaged by this if the parenting from both of you is usually good.

Yes, I think that this needs to be handled with the upmost sensitivity. It sounds like he is normally an ok parent and that this is atypical behaviour, and obviously he is deeply grieving right now. I don't think it is helpful to think in terms of what is fair or not fair, as this mindset shuts down empathy in my experience. Having had some experience, I would only like to add that he is likely thinking it is deeply unfair that he is now an adult orphan and quite possibly resents your parents for simply existing - it may have been very hard for him to stay with your parents for those two weeks. Please do not misunderstand - I am not saying that these behaviours or emotions are ok or reasonable, but that his situation is deeply not ok and unreasonable and what is required is some boundaries (which it sounds like does exist) and lots of empathy.

I think it he's not coping he should seek help elsewhere.

The OP has supported him by driving him around and by taking on additional domestic responsibilities.

If he's shouting at the children for just being children, it's a problem. Going into a spiral of guilt and then needing reassurance doesn't help. Perhaps discussing with his GP whether medication or counselling would help him to deal with the stress would be a start.

It may be that it's awakened unresolved grief about the loss of his mother. Who knows? I'm not saying that he shouldn't grieve, and be cut a bit of slack. But it sounds as if needs to access help, because losing it with the children isn't on.

When I lost my Ddad, my dc were aged 5 and 2. For about 6 weeks or so my grief was so overwhelming that I really struggled to cope with noise and fuss. I essentially had zero capacity for other people’s emotions, including my own dc.

Some people will say that I was neglecting my dc. But I wasn’t. I concentrated on all the practical stuff and my dh (their equal parent) took over with everything else. It didn’t take long and things did improve pretty quickly. I just needed time and space for my own grief and emotions to settle.

Then when my MIL passed away, I was able to give DH the space he needed to process his grief.

@Unsure05 your DH’s grief is very personal and what worked for us may well not work for you. Talk to him and really listen to what he says.

It has been less than three weeks.

I agree that your FIL’s passing may well have triggered a range of emotions for your DH over losing his mum so young. Tread very carefully.

Thank you for all these insights! I hadn’t considered that his own empathy; even towards the kids could be down. He is normally an amazing dad, our girls are kind and caring and obviously have their moments but overall wonderful kids and that’s led by example from us both so this is heightened and out of character. I’ll have another gentle chat later and see if he mighT consider some help, he’s already got some sleeping pills from the doctors due to being unable to sleep

when my DH lost his parents within 18 months of each other, both very young, he became depressed and questioned our relationship. We had two very small children. He withdrew from us for a while and it nearly broke us. I almost left, and got legal advice (I’m a planner!)He very sensibly sought counselling and gradually rejoined the family. We’re still together several decades on. Get him to seek help. It works.

I think one of the problems is that chlldren are very upset when parents behave in a way that's out of character and that if this becomes prolonged it can make them very insecure - which exacerbates the problem.

Yes, she will be damaged profoundly if this carries on.

Not necessarily, it depends on the nature/severity of his interactions with her and the context they come in. It's also dependent on how he handles rupture/repair. If he apologises and explains he was wrong, reassures her he loves her and shows that, then this will give her a good model for how people who love us sometimes make mistakes but will make amends and their love remains constant. Children need to know they are loved, but also that humans, including their parents, are flawed and make mistakes but that the love remains.

Assuming this is temporary and doesn't carry on at length, that is.

Yes I feel I should have mentioned that he does always apologise after and between the moments of snapping and shouting he still shows love and affection. He really does just make her cry so much when he does snap. I think I’ll gently suggesting talking to a professional if things don’t start to ease

I also think it's useful to be able to model to children that although death is very sad and that we miss the people who have died, that lots of other things carry on as normal.

So I suppose from the child's point of view there are two ways of responding to a father who is struggling like this.

1. I must have turned into a terrible person for making Dad so angry

and/or

2. Death is something really scary because it keeps turning my kind father into somebody different, so the sensible thing is to be absolutely terrified of anyone else ever dying.

Yes I didn’t consider this, they’re both very negative outcomes and as much as death is sad and not exactly a positive thing I don’t want her having an unnecessary fear or trauma around it

There is an app devised by grief specialist therapist Julia Samuels. It's called grief works and friends have found it helpful, especially during the early stages of grief.
She has a book of the same name. Perhaps one or both of these might be helpful for him

apps.apple.com/gb/app/grief-works-self-care-love/id1558867513