FIL died, it’s so sad. Advice to support DH and DDs

[Unsure05]

FIL has danced with death a few times bless him. He wasn’t a well man but he was lost to lung cancer on Thursday. We live an hour and a half away so we all rushed off Wednesday morning when he declined and me and DH were gone a lot over the two days while DDs stayed with my parents. DDs are 4 in 2 weeks and youngest is only 17 months so she’s not exactly aware of anything going on but we saw grandad a lot and he was always making effort to see and spoil his granddaughters when he could. We have explained over the years when grandad has been poorly and in hospital that he’s very very poorly and we haven’t beaten around the bush and told our oldest that he has died.

Now DH is the power of attorney and the next of kin etc as his mum died when he was a kid so there is a lot for him to do. Oldest DD is acting out a bit (to be expected) lots of quick frustration and hitting so we’re trying to be understanding. She also asks questions and talks about being sad which is good! But often leaves us crying too. I just want to know how I can help. I’m so privileged to have all my grandparents and both parents still, whereas DH has none left. Other than being emotionally supporting and taking on the bulk of childcare/house bits I’m not overly sure if anything else will help. I ask what he needs but he doesn’t know which of course is understandable. Of course I’m also deeply upset so don’t always deal with the hitting my best and do sometimes shout when I don’t want to. Especially if it’s aimed at her little sister. God I just have no idea what else I could be doing, how to navigate, how to help a child through something I’ve never experienced. Any advice welcome 🙏🏼

I am sorry for your loss.
It sounds like attention seeking behaviour. At 3 she is unlikely to be deeply affected by his death. When you are trying to parent through a very difficult time, it's so hard, but the adults around her need to try to include her less in the grief. Give her more attention, stop crying around her and don't tell her off unless it's necessary.
On the supporting dh front - you may well be very sad, but this is his dad, his last parent. Rein in your sadness around him and don't pretend to know how he feels.

There are many books to help children deal with death. We had The Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson and The Sad Book by Michael Rosen. We always talked about how people who die are still with us - in our hearts and in what we do because of what they taught us. You have to be the adult here and help DD learn to cope with grief.

I wouldn’t worry about the kids, they’ll be ok, there might be a book that might help explain it all to your older one, but I wouldn’t over complicate it. In fact as a child I remember being annoyed all my grandparents were alive- I felt left out compared to all the people at school who had at least one dead GP 😂😳. The acting out is probably more related to the change in routine and lack of focus in her.

I would put all your focus on supporting your DH and giving him time to grieve how he needs.

There are lots of practical things that will need to be done in the next few weeks but there is no rush to do any of them. Take your time to grieve and look at emotional support for you all. Don’t neglect yourself in this as you are grieving too.

The Power of Attorney dies with your FiL. Next week you will need to Register the death. There is a system now called Tell Us Once and the registrar will help you with the next setups.

I really doubt your nearly 4yo has the actual concept of death and ability to actually be sad about it as that sort of cognition is not typical at that point. It’s more likely they are acting out because you/DH have been really distracted of late due to FIL ill health/impending death/actual death/all the stuff that needs to be done post death. They are feeling frustrated about the lack of usual focus on them (nothing wrong with that- completely normal for that age, as their brains are actually wired to believe the world revolves solely around them at this point), and you are telling them this feeling is sadness which is likely a bit off the mark.

I don’t think there is anything you can do at the moment tbh, as nothing is hoo g to stop you/DH bro g distracted during this period (and rightly so), so the kids just need to ride it out, they’ll act out, particularly the elder, and I’d just turn a blind eye personally as you know why, and then slowly, after you get over this hump it will go back to normal and kids will be on an even keel again.

It's not to be expected that she hits a baby sibling and you're right to tell her off when she does.

I wouldn't be mentioning the GP again to her really except to say, oh yes, it's very sad isn't it etc when she brings it up. She won't be affected by it at that age or understand it.

Just give your DH time and space to grieve.

Okay this is useful thank you. And for the record I am not making this about me! Just explaining that keeping on top of my own emotions here cause me to snap a little more than I would like when I want to be understanding to her. But I was worrying she would be unsure how to process and that would explain the behaviour but I’ll try make sure she gets lots of attention and play to try ease that. We are trying to be as normal as we can around them but we can’t hide all of it. And currently I am just taking over the house jobs and letting him do what he needs and here if he wants to talk or needs a cuddle or some silent company. Just feel like I should be doing more

When my FIL died my daughter was young (3 or 4) and she came to his funeral. It helped her as she felt that she had been able to say her own goodbye

Yes we’ve discussed what to do about the funeral and we’ve said we think we should take her. It’s so hard isn’t it