Hello,
I have never done this before but I will just start writing and see where this gets me.
I am a 30 something year old female, who is married to a 50 something year old male. We have kids together and we have been married for 15 years.
The reason why I am writing this post is I feel like I have nowhere else to go. We have always had problems in the relationship, but I feel like it is getting out of hand now.
First let's start with the backstory: I was a young girl who has never been in a relationship before when I met my husband. I always thought I only wanted to be with someone who I will marry and grow old with otherwise there was no point in being together. I come from a broken family and my mother had very unhealthy relationships, there was physical and verbal abuse when I grew up, to the point we fled several times even to other countries. So obviously I did not want that for myself, I wanted a good healthy relationship. I thought my husband was the one. I told him everything, I was deeply in love, never had any secrets, told him all about my life and what I imagined how I wanted to live my life. I thought he did not have secrets from me either...but I was wrong.
After 6 months of dating, I got pregnant. Confused and scared I had no one to turn to, my relationship with my own mother was really bad and I did not wanted to be like her in one bit. I decided I wanted an abortion. But then my husband and his family convinced me to keep the baby and get married. It was all very quick and a very confusing time for me, that I cannot really remember all the details. I was very ill throughout the pregnancy and I had no planning what so ever in my wedding. Looking back at it, I hates every single bit of it. I can see there wasn't anything I had chosen and that I liked. I was nauseous, hormonal and scared and at that time I couldn't care less. It was a few weeks before the wedding and I ahd to go to the registry office to fill out forms to see if we can marry each other. I had to fill in the forms and I filled it in to the best of my knowledge...turns out I had his date of birth wrong...he never told me otherwise from his profile but it was a difference of 8 years. I was shocked and confused but still went through with it...I thought it is just a number...
After the wedding, I was on maternity leave so I started to clean the house. That's when I found a bag under the bed. In the bag were court documents, turns out he had gone to prison for beating up his girlfriend and was in prison for 6 months. I was scared and shocked, when he came home I confronted him about it and why he did not tell me about this.
He was mad and accused me of snooping and being a detective, when all I did was clean and tidy up the house for the arrival of the baby. Bare in mind this is also my first relationship and I was only very young. Whereas he has had multiple relationships prior to this and was much older, we nearly had a 20 year age gap. Only this year I actually feel like I opened my eyes and see how much he was gaslighting me.
I felt horrible, I felt like I had betrayed him. We left it at that, baby was born, everything seemed to be going well, we expanded the family. Bought a new house together and then I started to work again after a long period of not working and only looking after the kids.
I was happy, it was my dream job. New area was lovely too, the house was amazing. But problems kept coming our way.
We didn't agree on parenting style, I made friends (being from an other country I never had friends in the UK and was always alone. The one friend I did have, he did not like and told me I cannot see her anymore which I did, at the start of our relationship, since I thought he was right she is was a bad influence). So now more mature I did enjoy having a friend, it wasn't like I was going out clubbing, no we only met up at the park with all of our kids and talked while the kids were playing. Well....he didn't like that, and told me i shouldnt see her anymore...but I stood my ground and told him, she isn't a bad person, I like her as a friend and the kids play nicely together. He was always mad when I went to meet up but I just realised that why should I not be allowed to meet up with my friends, but he can go out anytime he wants with his and also never taking the kids of me.
I realised a couple of years ago....that the first time in 9 years I went out by myself with a "friend" I put it in brackets because we went out together because my husband was best friends with someone and his wife had the same birthday as me. So they thought it would be nice for the both of us to go somewhere together, I had only ever met her once before...I always thought it is fine I don't need friends all I need is my kids, my kids have been my first priority for years and they still are, but I thought I can have my kids as my first priority and have a friend too. So when we moved and I found a friend through work I thought it is nice to have a bit of company.
It all went downhill from there. My husband has accused me of changing. He is currently accusing me of cheating on him. I am just so down...I have never strayed in this relationship, have always been loyal and have never even spoke to anyone that wasn't my husband. It is so far fetched that it is laughable but I am so sad at the same time. I feel defeated, deflated and broken. There isn't anything I can say that makes him stop his verbal abuse towards me. He won't listen and when I ask him to show me what it is that made him accuse me of such a thing he just rants about other things. It is like he doesn’t want to talk, rather just be horrible or talk about me to his friends and family. Calling me all names under the sun infront of my kids too. He says I have changed and yes of course I have! I am not that small young naive girl anymore that he met 15 years ago! And i wont just sit there and take stuff anymore either, if i think you are wrong i will stand up for me and my kids. And I never swear before but I have been doing that a lot lately since I feel like that is the only way to hurt him. He has hurt me so much and accused me of horrible things that I have never done and I just want to protect myself.
He is in pain currently, something is wrong with his leg, he has seen several doctors and hospitals and the GP and they all say the same thing. Just painkillers, he is frustrated and wants some type of magical pill to cure him. I believe it is just age getting to him. But he doesn't want to listen. He now blames me for his pains. He also had an incident where a person accused him of cutting them of while driving and that person then smashed his window, well apparently that is my fault as well...
I understand that pain is horrible and can make you depressed but why do I have to put up with all this?
He takes it out on our kids and it makes me mad. I tell him, he should leave them out of this, but he never listens, he becomes very aggressive and I am actually scared.
He is angry because we don't have sex that much anymore. For me, I am just tired and I just cannot sleep with someone who hurts my feelings. I rather watch movies or read books at night, then sleep with him. I know I stay up too late, but that is what I call my me time, something I do for myself and that I enjoy, I don't have time during the day, since I work and then come home and clean and cook, I don't always cook he cooks a lot too. But everything else, cleaning, tidying, laundry, folding, preparing lucnh, sorting everything for the kids, lands on me, I also do most of the paperwork for him too. Nowadays I have been doing the shopping too. So when I go to bed I just want to relax. And when he comes to bed he says I just want to sleep, when I come I can sleep. Wow how romantic is that...puts me right off...that's his reason for saying I have an other man, which is just ridiculous...like I don't even feel like having sex whatsoever, no need for it.
Then he started saying oh those books you read are a bad influence, they make me chance as a person. I am reading romance novels, chick lit...like he is so delusional it is crazy.
For real he doesnt want me to read, to watch movies, to have friemds, have a job or go out. He is a literal narcissist. But i am married to one and now i have to deal with these consequences...
One time we had an argument and he told my son he will take pills and kill himself. And of course I had to pick up the pieces and make sure my kids are OK afterwards.
He calls all his friends and tells all of them that I cheat on him, that I do this or don't ever take care of him etc, that I treat him badly and that I am a prostitute like my mother. I am just so fed up of it. It is just one slap after an other, thinking I tell him these things in private and he just all smashes it back in my face. It is beyond disgusting and I told him I cannot live like this anymore and that I want a divorce. He said I will have nothing not even my kids, nor the house, nothing, he threatens to kill himself and tells me all other things under the sun...I am currently an empty shell trying to keep it together for my kids. There is so much more but I am just too tired at this point to write everything down. I used to be a very bubbly person but I cannot even recognise myself anymore. Please help, give me advice.