Feeling Betrayed by Best Friend

[Amanda1]

Message withdrawn

What an awful time for you Amanda. I see why you're angry / upset - but don't feel stupid - sounds like he's a manipulative old bastard.

Only you can decide how to proceed, but as a congenital optimist, I would say that it is possible your friend did beleive you ex when he said he wasn't seeing you - desire does tend to make common sense go out of the window - I would give her a chance. More importantly, after you have cooled down a bit I would try to see her before you go back to work - otherwise your emotions may just keep boiling up only to explode when you do go back to work (or you may even feel you can't go back).

good luck

Amanda1, God I know just how you feel, you may be aware that my dh and my ex best friend have been having an affair and like you I have to see her every day as our children are at school together.
My first piece of advice is try not to stew on it, I did and it all came out in the end with me losing it completly in floods of tears and yelling abuse at people and I felt rotten afterwards. Do you have another friend who you can confide in, who will just listen and let you just talk, cry etc. without making her own comments etc. I found this one of the most helpful things I did / am doing.
Once I had calmed down I spoke to my ex bf and asked her for a drink to 'clear the air'. At the pub I simply and calmly told her that I was not interested in what she thought but wanted to her to hear how I was feeling. I then explained all the hurt and feeling of betrayal and said I doubted I could trust her again. I felt really proud of myself for this because I had taken control of the situation - I really would recommend doing anything that puts you in control as it boosts your self esteem, which I should imagine is at a pretty low ebb at the moment. Perhaps you could arrange to see her on neutral territory before you go back to work so it doesn't become a huge thing for you. Also don't be afraid to go back to your doctor and talk to him/her about it.
This was all 3 months ago and now my ex bf and I do see each other socially (other than at school)for a coffee sometimes, but it is still very strained as we have both agreed that what has happened is off the agenda. This is positive and helps me as she is no longer 'the witch' that I had built her up into. Who knows where it will go - depends on wheteher dh stays with me or does move in with her I guess. I guess what I am trying to say to you is don't force the issue with her, take it slowly and just see what evolves if anything, but above all make sure you drive the agenda, but don't expect too much, she may not want the same as you.
I would say that her denial and anger are just signs of guilt, that she knows she has betrayed and hurt you but can't / won't admit it to herself or you. Ignore it and hopefully it will go away.
I do hope that over time you can rebuild your friendship with her again if that is what you want, but do look after yourself, concentrate on doing things for you that make you feel better about yourself and don't forget that we are here if you need us.
Take care and thinking of you.

Amanda1 - what a horrible situation. The only thing I would say is that your anti-d's are probably only just kicking in (they take several weeks to start working) so you may find that by the time you return to work you are an oasis of calm and really can't be bothered to waste any of your time on two people who obviously don't deserve it! Anyway, try not to let this eat you up. xx

How horrible for you. I had a close friend who let me down pretty badly a couple of years ago and, at the time, I was so upset I couldn't even talk about it to anyone without bursting into floods of tears. It was only after quite a while that I felt the dust had settled enough to give her a ring and talk about it. I told her exactly how her behaviour had made me feel, and that made me feel better. Although we still see each other from time to time, the relationship will never be what it was ? I can forgive to some extent, but can never really forget the feeling of betrayal by someone I was close to.
I think it needs time, though. Try and find all the support you can get elsewhere in the meantime ? family, other friends ? you might even consider seeing a counsellor for a few sessions (if it's a financial option). I'd wait until you feel emotionally stronger before you risk tackling either of them ? believe me, you will feel better in time, although it may not seem like it now.

Amanda1, this is such a horrific situation. Did you never talk about your relationship with this man to your best friend??
I think it sounds like she's clutching at straws to find justification for what she's done. He just sounds like a pig!
What friend does that??? I can't understand, but why would you want to salvage the 'friendship'. If she can betray the ultimate trust between you then how do you go forward from there....
...my advice to you is to ignore them. Be civil if the need arises, but apart from that stay away. And, just like RosieT said, when you feel stronger and mor ein control just calmly let her know what she's done to you (I'm sure she already knows). They sound like trouble and you sound like you are a lovely person who didn't deserve the disgusting treatment you've had from either of them!
You can move on and do much better and rise above it! And just let me know if you fancy a good girly night out to forget you worries!!!!!...(I live in Scotland by the way so might be a bit out of your way!!).

Hi Amanda
Wanted to write because I feel I can empathise a little bit with how you are feeling and to say I know how horrible it is. Nothing actually happened but a few years ago dp and I met up with a girl who had been a very good friend of mine previously. She also stayed at our house for about a week. She was obviously taken with dp as her relationship at the time was difficult and she envied my apparent stability. She was (I am not in contact with her anymore) the flirty type and I just could not believe that she was doing this with dp (though this may have been completely normal for her and was probably the way she spoke to most men whom she found attractive) and I also felt incredibly threatened by it (as she was very attractive etc etc...). In the end my friendship with her petered out, probably because I didn't want her to have any opportunities to meet up with dp anymore and I couldn't handle what I felt of as her envy for me. I then thought how tenuous friendships actually are because when it comes to hormones and sex, it seems that everything else goes out of the window. Nothing happened between her and dp but the feelings she evoked in me as she talked with him or about him were HORRIBLE and to this day I am not able to mention her name to dp because somewhere in my head I think he fancied her too and might have preferred to be with her.
My gut instinct in this situation would be to run but maybe that is not the best thing. With regard to your job I suppose it would depend on whether you are at the stage where you could move on to something bigger and better anyway. I can totally understand how betrayed you feel and I also feel that your friend should have realised this, after all the same could have happened to her and how would she have felt.
Not terribly optimistic my posting and also a lot about myself (good to get it off your chest), but I am also sure that not that far down the line when you have met loving and trustworthy new people, you will feel a lot better.

Amanda, not much time but just wanted to sympathise and say that in my book this is definitely NOT on. A friend's ex boyfriend or husband is just not available as far as I'm concerned. This happened to me too, a long time ago - a friend went out with an ex of mine a week after we'd split up. Didn't speak to her again and felt horribly betrayed, it's an awful feeling isn't it?. So in your position I would leave the friendship I think and be icily polite, nothing more. Agree that it might be worth seeing your GP about anti depressants.

A friend of mine made a real play for an ex of mine years ago - flirting while we were together, and on the phone to him the minute we split. She even told a mutual friend that 'all's fair in love and war'. However, he loathed her, which I knew but she didn't, so nothing happened. We're still friends but I do definitely still think less of her, and if they'd gone out together (I was heartbroken when we split) it would have been the end of any kind of friendship. I think you should ditch her. She's not to be trusted and doesn't really value you. He sounds horrible too. I think you're lucky to be rid of the pair of them.

Message withdrawn

Can I just say, I don't think she sounds a very nice friend ? to 'have a go' at you because you didn't confide in her about your biopsy. Surely, her concern as a friend should be to support you going through something like that, and that includes respecting your need to keep it to yourself at that time. Her concern seemed entirely about the fact that SHE was 'missing out' on being included in your experience.
My sister is going through the same thing, at the moment, (biopsy, I mean) and doesn't want to talk to anyone about it ? it's her way of coping. She feels that the more people know about it, the more 'real' it seems. A true friend would be able to respect and deal with this IMO.
Please don't phone them ? specially when you're feeling so raw about it ? they don't deserve you. If you feel the need to talk to someone, get online. We're here for you!

rosiet, my sentiments exactly.

Message withdrawn

Hope you're managing to keep your chin up, Amanda1. Christmas is always a difficult time for those of us who aren't where/with whom we want to be, but how about trying to focus on your DD & making your Christmas Day as good for her as it possibly can be & trying to put them as much as you can to the back of your mind? I'll bet your former friend spends her Xmas lunch stewing in guilt & (hopefully) choking on her stuffing (that's if she has a conscience at all). As I always say, the best revenge is living well.
Thanks for your thoughts about my sister ? she's having her biopsy on monday - fingers crossed.
Keep us posted on your situation.