Family members going no contact. Should I get involved?

[Warriorworrier]

One of my husband's cousins (I’ll call him John) has decided to go no contact with his dad (my husband’s uncle.) I don’t know the reason he decided this, only that they have had a difficult relationship but I assumed, until recently, that it was just typical parent/teenager quarrels.

John’s parents have been divorced since he was a child and he is now 21 and at university. Everything I know has been filtered through my husband’s family so I don’t have any real details about what has happened, only that John has recently started going to therapy and told his dad he doesn’t want to have a relationship with him anymore.

The thing is, the whole family seem to think John is being ridiculous and that he should make up with his dad for the sake of his Nana (who is in her 90s). John’s dad lives with her and so by going no contact with his dad, it means John also has to limit contact with her also.

I am very much of the opposite opinion. I don’t know what has gone on but I do know that going no contact with someone is an incredibly hard decision to make and wouldn’t be done flippantly. And the fact that he is so young and in therapy speaks volumes.

I really get on with John’s dad and he is great with my children (who are both still little). But I know two things can be true at once and you can be a great uncle but a problematic father.

I keep hearing that various other family members have contacted John to tell him to reconcile with his dad and it doesn’t seem like anyone has shown him any understanding or support. I want to message him to offer him my support but I really don’t know if I am stepping out of line if I do so.

I have never directly contacted him before so I would have to get his number from my husband. My husband doesn’t want to get involved at all but says it’s up to me if I do.

My worry is that John is going to end up totally isolated and will block contact with the whole family or he will cave in to the pressure to reconcile - his dad having done nothing to change or rebuild - and have all his feelings completely invalided and belittled. Neither can be good for his mental health.

Should I get involved? One part of me says ‘it’s none of my business’ but the other part of me thinks some has got to stick up for him!

Nope, not your business
I don't agree with those who state 'you should be in contact with 'x' because they are family, etc, but in this instance, this is not your issue

No, it is sad but none of your business. What you can do is encourage your dh to maintain contact and have a normal relationship with his cousin.

I agree with others that if’s not really your business, BUT easier said than done to stay out of it when this has the potential to take a horrible turn for the young man, how would you feel if something awful did happen and you hadn’t spoken up?
Is your DH in agreement with you, what does he think?

I don’t think you need to do anything drastic here but maybe you could do some subtle things to show John bit of support.
This could be facilitating an opportunity to see his Nan at your house or in a local coffee shop.
If the situation does come up in conversation with other family members you could say something like, I think maybe John just needs a bit of time to clear his head on this, I think we should give him a bit of time instead of asking him to reconcile because he needs a bit of space to figure things out before he will be able to do this.
to John himself, could you say the same and also say that your there if he ever wants to talk about it, no judgment, no opinions on the matter, just a safe space if he ever wants.

I don’t know the family, so I’m not sure what the reaction would be to towards you doing things like this, if it’s too much hassle or will cause a rift in your family then you should consider this.

It's not your business or place to do that. Keep out of it. And I speak from experience

Haven't you posted this one before OP?

I have been the 'John' in this situation and had to cut off contact with my Dad. He's a manipulator who convinced a lot of our family that I was in the wrong so I lost contact with them too. I had a couple of aunts/uncles reach out to offer support and say that if I needed anything they were there and it meant so much to me. It's a hard age to lose a parent and not something I think anyone would take lightly - as long as you aren't pushy I think a message offering support would be a lovely thing to do.

As someone who is NC with my mother, I would really appreciated the message your considering sending.

I would make contact and offer support and show kindness. Not necessarily to get involved or ask for details. Just so he knows you’re there and isn’t isolated.

Do not get involved at all.

A similar thing happened in my partners family. A relative had therapy and then went no contact with his father. His father sadly died not long afterwards. It’s sad but it’s also not your business.

I have a similar situation in my family and it’s heartbreaking. However it isn’t your business. You don’t have a close relationship with him so it’s not appropriate to get involved. It would be different if you were close.

If your DH is happy for you to do so, given it is his relative then go for it.

My husband is NC with his dad, it’s incredibly difficult on my husband. It wasn’t his choice, it was his dads (and believe me when I say there was no big fall out or conflict) I know my husband would have appreciated to know that some of his family were in contact with him, not necessarily to fix the conflict but to at least be there as family. Who without them he has none.

Yes, I posted it under ‘other subjects’ then thought ‘relationships’ would be a better fit. I thought I had deleted/moved it. 😬😅

I wouldn't get involved. Hopefully John will have support from his mother's side of the family. I would tell your husband's family members that you don't agree with them putting pressure on him to reconcile and leave it at that.

None of your business, your H is perfectly capable of getting in touch with John if he wants to

If you want to get in touch with either or both of them then you should, but only do that to offer support. Don't take side or try to mediate, that's no one else's business but theirs unless one of them asks for it.
A simple message such as "I know you are going through a difficult time at the moment and I wanted to let you know me and DH are here to support if you need us" is plenty.

To add - that you can send that message to father, son and grandma. Don't be drawn into sides of an argument.

I didn't even bother to read most if that. Keep your beak out.

If you didn't read the post your opinion is worthless.

It's a tough one! In some ways, because you are a step removed (by being married into the family rather than a biological relation) a message to him could be really helpful. If he knows he can check in with you/not be isolated it could make a huge difference. Particularly if most of the rest of the family are not being supportive.
If it crops up amongst the family you make clear you're not taking sides, you just do not want him to be totally isolated.
(As an aside, I'm closer to a non blood Aunt than her husband. Also when my cousin was having some serious issues, he would chat a lot to my Mum.)

I’m NC with my parents, I would have appreciated someone reaching out to say they are still around for me. There would be at least one person in his family he could contact if need be without feeling judged.

You don’t have to say “I’m on your side”. You can just say something like “I understand you have gone NC with your dad, just letting you know I’m here is you need anything”. No-one can seriously quibble with that.

I would not get involved , certainly not without DH knowing, but I would make sure to send John birthday cards with a £10 JustEat voucher or other things that Uni students appreciate, Xmas cards, etc, so that he knows he is in your thoughts and supported.

If the occasion arose and I saw him at a family event or bumped into him I would hug and amongst other chat say ‘it sounds if things are hard atm, I know you will have your reasons , and feel for you”

Honestly it should come from your husband.
And you'd be better off inviting him over or going out with him.and saying it to his face.