To live closer to his family or mine?

[racingminds]

We need to move house after we found we can't afford to extend anymore. Conversation has opened up about where we want to move to as there is a huge lack of large enough properties in our price range in our small town.
We have a dd(3.5) and 5 month baby.

Currently we are 40 mins from my mum, in the south west, very expensive area to live in but we have a 'nice' comfortable safe life here, but only real reason we live here is because it's close to my mum.
Options are:
Move 10 mins down the road (away from mum) to larger town, not as 'nice' but more diverse and a bit more going on. Dd can continue to see friends & go to clubs etc. jobs would remain the same. Still an increase on mortgage but not unmanageable.
Or
Move 2.5 hours away to where all of dhs family live in Leicestershire, we would have his large family for the kids to grow up with (something I always wanted), our mortgage would not increase & may even reduce but we could get dream home for our money and cost of living is much lower in general. Dh could get transferred but I would need new job. Takes pressure off having to work like dogs to pay the mortgage.
Wwyd?
I feel like on paper it's a no brainer but I feel awful taking the kids away from my mum & shes 73 so will I just be driving up every 2 weeks when she gets older?
I just don't know how to make this decision, help!

Have mum moved up to Leicester with you?

Leicestershire.

You can't stay close to your mum just because she's getting older.

You must do the best for your children's lives.

Is your husband conflicted?
Is he trying to persuade you one way more than the other?

My mum wouldn't move, my brother is down here and she has very good friends around her. She has her own life without us. I would 100% move her nearer us if the time came for her to go into care of needs be.

Dh is equally conflicted, we both keep coming back to my mum and how awful we'd feel taking the kids away, but also know we can't stay just for that reason.

Talk to her. I'm nearly 70 with grandkids and it has always been my attitude that my dcs should do what's right for their lives.
If one of them came and told me they were moving to New York I'd say, wow, that's exciting when can I visit! Seriously. Would she actually want to hold you back OP?

@heldinadream she would say exactly the same as you, I know she would. She's very selfless and never put any pressure on us to stick around for her or to come for Xmas etc.

I would still feel terrible though. She has such a lovely relationship with DD tho she will be going to school soon...

I'd go Leicestershire, if you're mum already lives 40 minutes away that's hardly a daily pop in for 5 minutes type thing anyway. I'm sure she'd be delighted to come and see you for days/weekends.
Your DD at 3 would adapt very easily to a move and having her and a baby for groups/classes etc would be a good way for you to make new friends in the area

Would you be able to afford a bigger house so she could come and stay? Is there a train station so she can do some of the journey if she doesn't want to/can't drive to you?
Moving doesn't mean she won't have a good relationship with the children, its not like she'll never see them again. You need to build your own life and network just as she has.

Sounds like Leicestershire wins.

@persisted yes this is one of the big draws - here my MIL has to sleep on the sofa / airbed but in leics we could get an extra 2 bedrooms or even an annexe for my mum to stay in. The difference is insane.
She would happily to the train at the moment.
She currently has DD one day a week and was planning to do the same with DS when I return to work, but I actually don't see her very much, and think we would have more actual quality time if we had longer visits less frequently.

TBH I think it would be hardest for me, which I'm fine with if it's for everyone's best interest... DH has his family and friends and the kids are young enough to adapt but like you say having young ones to go to groups with helps with making friends.
Feels like a huge decision to be making when I'm not sleeping a whole lot but needs to be done before school applications this year 😬😬

I would go. The quality time you will have with your mother would be greater also as you will have comfortable room for her to stay. She can have the kids over summer holidays if she wants and day trips etc. I live away from my mum and this is what we do. It's tough making time but when they do come it's proper tome. Plus you need to look at the big picture but it sounds like you know what is best already

I would go. When DCs are at school, being 40mins away is too far to see them during the week for the few short hours after school, if your mum was 5mins away it would be different but 40 isn't very near.

You can have your mum to stay, go away together and maintain the relationship. If you are living alongside one side of the family, you don't need to use leave to visit them and will be able to see your mum

It's also a great time in terms of DCs ages, to meet new friends. Good luck

I would be moving to Leicester your mum will cope and still visit snd have a relationship with her dgc

I would stay in South West and be near your Mum, but I love the South West whether that’s Bristol, Bath, Gloucestershire, Somerset or further down being Devon or Cornwall.

My Mum would help far more with the children than my in-laws so that would kind of seal the deal for me.

This is also true, there could be absolutely no substitute for how amazing my mum has been since having dc. The support from MIL doesn't come close, even though she is very good with DC and babysits probably as much if not more than my mum but there is just something extra special about your own mum being on hand

Would you be able to afford the Lincolnshire home if you found it hard to get work?

@racingminds If you moved 2.5 hours away from your mum it would be really hard to visit every 2 weeks. It gets really exhausting. I've lived 2.5 hours away from my family home for 35 years and tended to visit 4-6 times a year and they came to me. Really hard when mum was dying and I was trying to work and see her.

40 minutes is not a long way. Commuting across the city where I live takes longer than this so people do it daily. But can be a pain with all the potholes and ULEZ zones!

But as you say you then have your husband's family to think of. It's a hard one. Lots of things to think about.

Op you must be lovely!! Thinking bigger to accommodate your mil!!.

Where in Leicestershire? Because I’ve lived in several different parts of England, as well as the US, France, the ME, and Ireland, and east Leicestershire is the only place I’ve ever lived that I’ve absolutely loathed.

@AlliumLake not east! I'm not the expert but dh has shown me some beautiful places with real family feel etc.

MIL would do the same in terms of the one day a week childcare plus we'd have dh sister and dad for other childcare/ babysitting. DHs sister has a girl the same age as our dd so they could grow up together too which would be really special. DHs parents are much younger than my mum too so more able to run around after toddlers. I have felt my mum won't be able to run around after them and I wouldn't want to leave them both with her as it would be too much.

@Musicaltheatremum yeah every fortnight is a bit too much, but she could visit us/ we could visit her once a month taking it in turns sort of thing.

@greencartbluecart yes that wouldn't be an issue, as our mortgage would not change and dh can cover all the essential bills for a short while if needed. I wouldn't find it hard to get temp work anyway

Personally I’d struggle to leave my mum. On paper it makes sense to move to Leics. To me it also depends how much you like the new area and if you can get a comparable job. your mum has your brother, which makes a difference. You may well be up and down visiting your mum in a few years, but if the rest of your life is more comfortable, this will feel more manageable.

With @AlliumLake some bits of Leicestershire are shite I’m right by the border and one of my best mates teaches in Leicestershire. It’s like any county some good and some bad bits.

I know there are some awful parts of Leicestershire but also some beautiful bits, it is a huge county! I'm sure DHs family will lead us on that one.

I'm really struggling with the idea of leaving my mum but I feel like with dd about to start school we either need to do it now or never and will I regret not going when my mums gone and there's nothing keeping us here anymore? Or will I regret going when she's old and needs help?

How do you actually know if you've made the right decision?