Am I being a bad friend??

[123vicky123]

My friend and I live a 90 min drive apart. She has an eight month year old and I am expecting a baby this year and have been feeling very unwell.
We are both strapped for cash at the moment.
I nearly always end up having to go to her, meaning a three hour round trip. Being pregnant and not feeling great, I don’t want to do this drive yet she won’t come to me due to her baby’s schedule (which I appreciate).
I've suggested meeting half way multiple times and going to a café but she doesn’t seem keen at all. She isn’t suggesting any other ideas and I know I’ll end up me going to hers again.
I don’t want it to get to the stage where I say “Let’s just not bother then,” and I don’t want to upset her but I am getting closer to that stage day by day.
Any advice welcome!

Friendship has to be mutual.

Unfortunately major life events often result in losing friends as your lives have changed too much.

Advice - don’t give more of yourself than you can afford.

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow thank you. I’m so worried about offending her as she can be quite passive aggressive and sulky. I shouldn’t be worried about being honest with her but I am!

This is ridiculous. No one is making you go to her house, you’re choosing to, and then resenting it. If she’s not keen on meeting midway (which is probably understandable, based on my own DS’s challenging public behaviour aged eight months) , just say ‘Another time, so!’ No one is putting a gun to your head.

If you’re both prevented from travelling by babies and pregnancy, you’ll just need to not see one another in person for a while.

@PollySolo Yep, I get you. I am agreeing to go to hers but it’s more so out of not wanting to upset her/avoiding an uncomfortable argument. I can’t stand confrontation. Maybe I just need to be upfront and deal with the consequences?
I’d happily wait to see her and talk on the phone instead as we both have a lot going on and no money but she is adamant to get a date in to see each other in person. I want to see her, of course, but it’s just not practical for either of us right now and she doesn’t seem to get that.

In many ways, you’re enabling this by always agreeing to drive.

in future, don’t be so accommodating. If necessary, use your pregnancy as your excuse, and say yog’re getting tired so can only meet half watching forward, or at your house.

I can almost guarantee that when you have your baby, she won’t travel to see you, using her child as the reason, even though you were expected to fit around her child as a baby.

@Riverlee Thank you. I agree that I am enabling this all to happen by agreeing/caving to go to hers.

I just know she won’t be understanding in a kind way unless I cave and go to hers. If the boot was on the other foot, I’d like to think I’d be more than understanding.

But you’re enabling this by always going to her. Do you need the friendship more than she does? Why is her not being ‘upset’ or confrontational more important than your own preference for not taking a 3-hour round trip? Why are you behaving as if she is more important to you than you are?

It doesn’t matter how ‘adamant’ she is about wanting to see you. No one is frogmarching you to the car. Ask your self why you keep making choices you don’t seem to want to make. There’s zero need for a ‘confrontation’ — this is the kind of thing chronic peoole-pleasers always obsess over, because at some level all their actions stem from a fear of being disliked. Suggest you meet halfway, and when she ‘isn’t keen’, just say ‘Another time!’

@PollySolo I think part of the reason is yes, I’m a people pleaser and don’t want to upset her or have her being annoyed at me.
in terms of needing the friendship more than her, I have lots of brilliant friends, whereas she is often telling me that she has hardly any so that also makes me feel that I need to be there for her, especially as she is a fairly new Mum who has felt lonely.
I wouldn’t be like this with my other friends. They’re all understanding and our friendships are more deep rooted and mutual.

@123vicky123 You are not being a bad friend . If you are not feeling up to a 3 hour round journey - just say - dear friend I'm sorry I'm just not feeling up to that journey at the moment whilst pregnant - unless you have another idea why don't we have a good catch on the phone & see how things go .

@BasiliskStare thank you. I said to her that I may not be feeling up for driving a long way at the moment and she seems to bat that off and then message passive aggressively. I can tell she is annoyed when I can’t fully accommodate her needs. That upsets me but she doesn’t seem to be bothered as much about my feelings. It’s putting me off seeing her if anything!

She is passive aggressive, sulky, demanding, selfish, and refuses to compromise or listen to you.

Might there be a reason why she doesn't have many friends?