How to ask a friend to step up a bit more?

[VioletWitchery1]

Hello, I want to keep this fairly short and without sounding too whiny. I have a mum friend who I think the world of and in most respects is a good friend, but there is one aspect which is driving me a little crazy.
Whenever we make plans she gets really excited about going to/doing whatever task or place we've planned but, she never wants to organise said tasks or pay for them up front.
She'll "suggest" it's better for one person to do the organising and then it's just left to me. Whenever ticket booking or emailing or arranging details are involved she disappears and leaves me to deal with it but then I have the very awkward task of chasing her up for the money or dates she can do. Put it simply if I don't plan it, then it won't happen.
I feel awkward about asking her to pay up for the tickets, it's only ever £20 here or there but she often forgets for months and it gets harder to ask the longer it's left. I've even sent her my bank details and said just pop it over but she's ignored it. I don't have a lot of spare money as I only work part time (as does she) so it does start to chip away.
I have in the past left things open but then the event or day out comes and goes and nothing happens (or I've planned it just for my family as it was something we wanted to do anyway) but then I can guarantee she'll ask me why didn't I include her and I'll tell her the truth. That she didn't let me know or tell me what she wanted to do.
I'm not a pushover and I'm perfectly happy to go off and do things with my family and other friends but she is a nice person who I have a good time with in all other aspects and I enjoy her company so I don't want to cut her off. I just want her to take some of this on herself and to pay up without making me feel like I've turned into a bailiff.
Any advice on how to ask for this without spoiling a friendship?

Well, only do it if you enjoy it. If the sum total of chasing her for dates, money etc outweighs the pleasure of her company, stop?

I'd be pretty excited if someone else was doing all the organizing and footing the bill. Stop doing it and see how things pan out.

It sounds a little formal, but I’d give deadlines… “I’m going to book x at 3pm today for me and the kids, if you’d like to join, I need the money by 2pm. If not, here’s the booking link and this is the time we’re going. Hope you can make it”. I wouldn’t pay for her half if she doesn’t usually pay. Although she’s a friend you like, she takes the piss with money and so I’d really keep the boundary.

If just say to her I don’t mind organising but you need to pay upfront because I can’t afford to sub you. See what happens. If she doesn’t pay she’s not really a friend.

In future I'd say "OK great, if you send me over the money I'll book it asap" so that if she doesn't, she's got no reason to whinge at you if you decide to go ahead and do whatever it is without including her.

The organising is trickier but money wise just tell her you can't afford to book until she has given you her money.

Organising - could you do it together over a coffee. That's how I planned a break with a friend - get together, have a coffee, choose a B&B or whatever and book it.

Just stop organising stuff with this person. I don't think it's likely a quiet word or more formal request for payment will change anything. People like this are usually oblivious to how their behaviour impacts others.

I know this is the kind of thing I need to say and do. I just struggle to put the words together as everything sounds so blunt.
She is a good friend in lots of other ways which is why I don't want to offend her or lose her. We were each others rocks during the pandemic and through health issues etc but when I've added up all the the little extra £20s here and there it does add up. She currently owes me for something we've planned in June and I've asked for the money to be transferred but that was a week ago and I don't know how to chase it again.

I think moving forward this is what I will have to do, even if it means I see her less. I know I should have been a bit more upfront about it before but it because it's only little amounts it sometimes feels a bit extreme to refuse over a small bit of money. I know £20 is nothing to some people but it is starting to wear thin.

It all adds up. I don’t like owing money to friends so pay them back straight away! It’s just rude not to.

Transition the friendship to one where you do slightly lower key things together. It’s annoying if you get on and your kids have a nice day together as of course you want to do the day trips with her but I don’t think she’s going to change. Organisers are organisers, at some point in every group that role gets designated to someone and you can’t get out of it. I’m actually going on holiday with a new group this week and everyone is very on it and organised and it’s so nice not being the one doing it all! It’s like a luxury concierge service, no wonder I have so many friends as I am providing curated entertainment for them and their kids all the time with my organising! It’s lovely not having to think, and this is what you’re sorting for your friend.

She will just have to be the one you see ad hoc at parks or cafes, or meet there and each pay your way in etc. Or get a third mum involved who’s a bit more organised, then you still have someone to go with and original friend might get a bit of FOMO.

It would start to grate on anyone and we're not all geared up for honest confrontation. Ultimately you're not a bank, you can't finance her life for her. If she wants to share fun experiences she'll need to pay her way.

I think you need to reset your own expectations in terms of what is likely to happen. She is unlikely to do the planning for trips herself, even though that is the ideal solution. Some people are just terrible at this kind of thing.

I think you should restrict your friendship to more casual meet ups and say you are too busy to organise something next time she makes a suggestion.

You say she is a good friend but she isn’t. She sounds selfish, lazy, grabby and thoughtless. She doesn’t care about you or the fact that you’re short of money and running around organising. You’re not her personal assistant! I couldn’t be friends with someone like this.

FWIW I don't think she's using you or is not your real friend as some posters have suggested. I think it's more a case of chronic disorganisation or even something like ADHD.

because it's only little amounts it sometimes feels a bit extreme to refuse over a small bit of money. I know £20 is nothing to some people

I used to put £20 a month into an investment account. After 10 years I had enough for the deposit to buy a house. Over time, it is not a small bit of money.

Remember that when you need to ask her to pay her share. Would you ask her to pay up front if you were putting down the deposit for her to buy a house? Would that feel 'too blunt'?

You say you don't want to offend. But she's happy to take the piss and not pay you back for months.
She's not that bothered about not offending you, treating you like a pa/travel agent rather than a friend.

Speak up and be firm.

I think you have answered your own question. Either you plan it and it happens or you leave it to her and it doesn't. You can't make someone step up, you can only ask her to organise it and if she doesn't continue to do your own thing. Or accept that you will always be the one organising.

What I would do is only see her for coffee / lunch sort of thing that doesn’t involve any prepaying or booking.

Definitely too annoying to have her adding to your workload like this.