I’m having a few days where I’m evaluating myself as a person and feeling guilty & anxious about who I’ve been previously.
I’ve had a variety of friends and now at 25 I really can count on one hand how many I have. I know it’s about quality and not quantity but the reason I have so little friends is really down to myself.
when I was an adolescent / early 20’s I was unfortunately, very unforgiving and if a friend unintentionally upset me I would be very clear about it and had the ability to just cut them out of my life forever.
I had a best friend and I fell out with her over the smallest thing. It was after uni when we were both busy with our grad jobs and she was more busy because she was in a serious relationship. I had asked when I could see her for dinner and she just kept postponing me.
Being a couple yrs older now- this would really UNbother me but at the time I saw it as a personal attack, and felt insecure and wondered whether she was avoiding me. I sent her a long message telling her and it then upset her which made her reluctant to see me for a while after. Anyway she kept postponing and I ended up calling her fat. I was so inpatient.
Similar things have happened to other friends where I’ve felt insecure, jealous and lashed out which ultimately hurts them probably more than I was hurting in the first place.
My family always wonder what happened to my good friend and I can’t bring to tell them the truth because my parents didn’t raise me like that. My mum is friends with her on Facebook and it turns out her and her boyfriend are getting married and it hurts because I know if I hadn’t been rude to her I probably would’ve been a bridesmaid to that wedding.
regardless of the wedding, she is a good person and she didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
Anyway, I want to apologise to her but it almost seems insulting to contact her after I was so rude. I might make her more anxious.
If someone called myself fat, would I forgive them? I don’t know because it’s never happened to me and no one’s been that rude- I feel like I’m the biggest enemy in my own life.
Luckily I’ve become more self aware and know it’s due to growing up with a father who regularly cuts people out of his life and was totally unforgiving to his family members (not including me).
My mother on the other hand is gracious and kind and I wish I was more like her… I’m 25, is it too late to? My boyfriend is the kindest person on earth and I wish I was more like him as well.
Sometimes I wonder what on earth he sees in me (personality-wise)
If I’m to have children in the next 7 years I want to be mature enough to raise them and I want them to deal with conflict elegantly and with grace.