I have suspected this about myself for years and now it is plainly obvious it is true. I know where it stems from- I had a very bullying older brother, had a childhood spent in fear of him really. Walking on eggshells as he would pounce at any time. He would take any chance to ruin anything which he thought I cared about- toys, friendships, outings, etc.
It sounds petty and I'm sure lots of folks grew up being tormented by their older siblings, but my brother was downright evil (well not evil but definately downright screwed up in the head, very jealous, very angry, very spiteful) He was the kid that others were scared of. He tortured other kids but mainly he just tortured me.
It seems that the brunt of his fury was that I would always be in my parents good books whereas he was always in the dog house. And that I was always being good, being good at school work, being well behaved, good at drawing, doing nice things for my parents- little miss sweetie pie goody two shoes. And my parents were always praising me and always cross with him. His jealousy was fierce. He would simmer with anger if he saw me receiving praise or doing well and would definately "get me back" later when noone was looking. He beat me up probably every day of my childhood, even if it was just a swift kick as he passed me in the hall. I even had a black eye from him age 16 and by then he was 18 and should have grown out of picking on his little sister.
Anyway sorry long post but the upshot of this childhood seems to have been that I have always been terrified of appearing to do well, whenever I feel I'm going to do well or be successful or reach some nice goal I feel a surge of panic and fear and I try to scupper it. This happened throughout school when I did the very bare minimum for fear of achieving good grades that might draw his attention to me and make him furious.
It's often too unconscious for me to realise I'm doing it- i just somehow don't manage to get to the post office in time to get a job application in on time, or I just somehow don't manage to phone someone back on a really interesting and lucrative job. I freeze and produce crap when it's a job that really matters-one that might get me other lucrative jobs (i'm self employed). This seems to seep into a lot of aspects of my life. All of them in fact, but I can't seem to control it even though I realised it was happening at least 9 years ago after some counselling. I can't stop the surge of fear if things are looking good. I think somehow I will be made to pay. It frightens me. And when it is entirely subconscious I have no chance of controlling it as I'm not even aware I'm doing it.
Now it is making me miserable as my DH notices and it infuriates him as I can't move us forward on lots of projects. I say i will do things and I don't and I don't even know why I'm not doing them until he points out why and then I realise "Oh God he's right; I just don't feel comfortable if we get ourselves in a comfortable position" because it makes me nervous, glance over my shoulder, wonder when I'm going to get my come-uppance, etc. What kind of a way to lead my life is that? Sabotage anything that might possible put me in a good place! I'm sick of it and I think it has the potential to ruin my marriage. I just feel it's so instinctive with me I have no idea how I can control it.
Please any support from those who think they suffer a similar condition or advice please and guidance from those wise enough to point me in the direction or support me in overcoming it.