Do you regret not having children?

[flickerflame]

NC for this...

I have two children. My sister is younger than me (in her mid thirties) and has been debating children for a while. It has absolutely nothing to do with me and I would never push her in either direction. However, recently it seems that she and her husband have decided it's a firm no. Their choice, obviously. But I'm worried for her. I sense she's been swayed by her other half because she still seems wistful when around my children and still mentions her concerns about their choice.

If you have chosen not to have children, have you later come to regret it? Especially those who spent a long time debating it, rather than those who were always a firm 'no'. I suppose I'm looking for reassurance that she'll still be happy with her choice in later years. It just breaks my heart to imagine her getting to an age where it's no longer an option and finding that she regrets it.

I'm willing to be flamed for this and expect the 'nothing to do with me' responses. And I know that and would never say anything. But I do worry.

No, not at all. The older I get, the more I feel a sense of relief. I look at my friends with now-adult children, and it seems that they never stop worrying about them - who needs that much pressure and stress in later life?

What an awful situation. I feel sorry for your friend - what a horrible husband - and I also feel sorry for her son. Children are often annoying, it’s a fact, but the job of their adults is to summon the enthusiasm to be understanding. Absence of love can damage the child. I’m sure he must be picking up on her ambivalence, which may well be making his behaviour worse.

Nobody asked my opinion on this, and I’m being a right busybody, but she does need to try and change her mindset and become positive about the life she has. Her child is now her family and the closest person to her, so worth investing in.

I agree, I have tried to help her as much as possible and I have tried to get her to go to counselling or similar but she’s not willing. Her child isn’t badly behaved though and never has been and is now an adult and nearly ready to move out so she is looking forward to that and I’m hoping one day she will be able to build a better relationship with her child but the older her child gets the more she seems to feel resentment which I believe is because she sees her child about to embark on a life she wanted and didn’t have but again, I can’t get her to seek support outside of me as she feels unable to speak to other parents about it and won’t get counselling in case the counsellor is a parent and I’m not trained in anything like that so I’m basically useless except as a set of ears.

What a sad story.

The only problem is that once you reach infertility you can never ever get another shot if you DO regret it. I think that's the cruel part. You could retrain fir a good carer, find a nicer partner, move to better area or house. But there's no go backs at kids.

That's what's haunted me. I'm also childless by circumstance and single, a few weeks off 40. I left my ex at nearly 31
because he announced he didn't want kids after conveniently hiding that fact from me and I knew I'd always regret not having them so I wanted to meet and marry a man who wanted the same (as is important in my culture/religion so there was no solo parenting option for me either). The pandemic and illness, and several failed relationships stole the remaining years.

The thing is, OP's sister's partner can be lukewarm about kids for another 20 years and still be able to get a younger woman pregnant in his 50s if he changes his mind. She won't have that luxury. So if there is a chance she would have wanted kids were it not for him, it's important she really REALLY realises that no man is worth giving up motherhood for if it's what you want deep down inside. It's one of the most painful regrets to live with being childLESS rather than intentionally childFREE. I've been suicidal over it and while I'm not as bad as that now, I am very far from fulfilled and still ache for a child. You can get a second shot at pretty much everything except your fertile years.

I absolutely don't regret it. In my early 20s I thought I wanted them. Now absolutely I don't want them and am happy with my life as it is.

I'm mid forties without kids and have no regrets. I've been with my partner for a long time, we gave conception a go for a couple of years but our hearts weren't really in it and when we realised I was in fact infertile it was a bit of a relief. One door shuts and another door opens, and all that. We've both taken risks with our careers that we would have struggled to do if we were supporting kids so have taken full advantage of it. We're both very happy and life is full. It helps that about half my friends didn't have kids either, so it's a good mix of parents and non parents so no one feels alienated.

Thank you for all your replies. I am 100% supportive of whatever decision she makes and will always be there for her. I do think my worry is that she's been swayed. When they first met, her husband claimed to be on the fence but it's clear since they married that he's never wanted children with the way he speaks and acts around mine. He's lovely and I I know he dotes on her but I can't help but feel there's been subtle manipulation that's happened over the years. I just have to make sure she sees her nephews as much as possible because she adores them and hope that it all works out in the end.

Well, assuming she wants to stay married, it’s a two-person decision rather than one person unduly ‘swaying’ the other, surely? If she’s married to someone who definitely doesn’t want children, then the decision is made, unless she wants children badly enough to leave a good marriage to find someone else or go it solo. I doubt I’d have had a child had DH not been keen.

Responding to this over three months later! I googled 'childless by circumstance' and this thread came up.
Your post resonated with me. I can't tell you how utterly sad and bereft I am by my unchosen childlessness. Again, due to circumstances rather than infertility. I also feel shame and embarrassment for reasons I can't explain. It's just so painful.
We're in a very different situation from the one OP described. In a way, regret is the wrong word for us, as we didn't decide. Life kind of decided.
In my case trauma, mental illness and poverty all conspired to make it virtually impossible.
A friend with two grown up children really hurt my feelings (unintentionally) yesterday, and it's triggered a new wave of grief.
I'm a very devoted auntie and honourary auntie, which are roles I love. But, I wanted to be a mother with every fibre of my being.
I also think many people are less kind to us than to those who suffered biological fertility. So, it can be quite isolating.
Unlike many childfree-by-choice women, I don't have a great career or other big projects to be passionate about instead. Life is hard. I try to cling to the tiny joys - cups of tea, warm baths etc. To punctuate the pain.
One of the hardest things is that I was much more into the idea of motherhood than anyone else I knew when I was younger! Read books on childcare etc. Really gave thought to the life I wanted to give my children. I did my work experience in a nursery. Yet, some parents (by no means all or most) can be very patronising towards childless women about motherhood.
It's acutely painful. All of it. We have to be phenomenally brave and strong, and know our own truth in the face of being misunderstood so much.
The only thing I will say is that, at 40, you might still have time. I'm a few years older and definitely don't. I really hope for you that it works out. I'm pinning my hopes on the possibility of alternative universes or lives or some esoteric other, where and when I'm a wonderful mother of many...
You take lots of care x

@Ruminate2much I’m sorry about your friend. People can be so insensitive without meaning to be. I found what you wrote very moving. I wish you well going forward 💐

I wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug. I don’t know if you’ve ever come across Jody Day but it seems to me from Instagram that there is a growing support network for women who wanted but didn’t have children. Jody talks about being children by circumstance and her grief journey,

Thank you. I'll look into it. I appreciate your kind words 😊

https://www.instagram.com/gatewaywomen?igsh=MXN5ZXB5dHh2N25iZQ==

Her org is Gateway Women. There are many similar accounts, I think you’ll be able to find them through hers. I hope you find a peer group who share your experience and add to your life.

what an awful scenario ex is a bastard obviously but I feel sorry for her child - they will be picking up on her negativity towards them and that she doesn’t want them. How awful. None of this is their fault. I think you should point her at some therapy to work through her resentment issues and learn how to live with her choice and ways to enjoy her child.

That post does hit on a point I often think about. Someone asked me recently while I was holding a baby if it made me want another baby. I love babies but I find people talk about babies being hard (lack of sleep etc), they don’t talk about children also being hard. You are trying to mould a person into adulthood. In a way it’s a grief process, I will never meet my 2 year old son again, my 6 year old son is different and in two years he’ll be different again.

Its a lot of work - dealing with physical needs, healthy food, hygienic, medicine etc, plus all their educational and emotional needs.

Oh gosh no, not at all.

No. I am so grateful we didn't have them. DH and I are in our 60s and have never regretted it. We decided in our 30s that life was pretty damn perfect without children and as time goes on we appreciate our decision even more.

I wonder why anyone bothers when I see the trouble it causes people on MN and my friends who now have grandchildren as another layer of commitment that will last another decade or more.

No I don’t. I did want them when I got married, but my then- husband didn’t, and I had so many gynae issues it wasn’t a go-er anyway. As he turned out to be a narcissistic, lying cheater who would have continued to make my life - and no doubt my child’s life - hell, I am glad now. Very glad.