I know someone cheated. Do I tell their partner?

[PickleLover05]

Hi, new to this app but thought I'd get some logical advice about this situation.

~ Using fake names in scenario ~

My boyfriend has a friend, Dan.
Dans girlfriend, Kate, used to be a semi good friend of mine (high school together, went out together). Kate and I never fell out, just drifted as we got older so all is fine with us.
So as a four we are all linked.

My boyfriend told me several months ago that Dan went on holiday, proceeding to cheat on Kate. Not only cheat but PAY FOR A PROSTITUTE!!! Gross in my opinion. We are all early 20's may I add.

This information made me feel sick, and extremely angry as Kate and I were once good pals. My boyfriend felt like an idiot for telling me and says he really regrets it. As I said I never ever want to come in contact with Dan ever again.

My boyfriend claims that Dan ONLY told him about his cheating, therefore if I told Kate then Dan would know that my boyfriend had been the one to tell me. I was really unsure of what to do because I don't want my boyfriend to lose one of his great friends, but I don't want Kate to be with a cheater, a cheater who paid to have sex with another woman on holiday. The betrayal!!! And who knows, did he come back with a STI?

I now know that other people, atleast one other male friend knows of his cheating. So it wouldn't be so obvious if I told Kate?

My boyfriend often sees Dan, and everytime he does the thought of the secret I know comes into my mind. It makes me mad, sick etc to know what he did and know I 'can't' do anything about it. I've thought about slipping a letter through her door detailing it. Or asking her to meet me.

However, my boyfriend has had many conversations about this with me. His side is he will get in shit and lose his friend, also it's nothing to do with us, we will ruin their relationship... Dan already ruined it, not me. Yes it's nothing to do with us, however if someone withheld this information from me I would be livid, and really disappointed.

I don't want to upset my boyfriend, but knowing this is really upsetting me. Kate deserves a WHOLE lot better.

What should I do?
Pickle Lover.

You have no proof, keep out of it, up to your bf if he wants to continue with the friendship, you never have to see Dan again.

It was months ago why upset her now.

Whatever you do, don't send a fucking cowardly anonymous letter. Either stand behind your message or stay the hell out of it.

I would tell her, personally. No doubt in my mind at all. I would ALWAYS privilege a woman's right to make informed decisions about her life - and her sexual health - over the sensibilities of a cowardly bloke who is covering up for his horrible friend out of some seedy bro-code sense of loyalty.

Sorry OP, but I don't think much of your boyfriend either.

You tell your boyfriend to tell Dan to come clean. Or you approach Dan and tell him to come clean.
Do not contact Kate as this could lead to problems for her or backfire onto you.
Ideally it's your boyfriend who should be having words with Dan as it's he who was told this info. I'd be really angry with my DH if he found out one of his friends was cheating and didn't actually try and have stern words with him about it.
I would with my friends (unless there was extenuating circumstances)
I wouldn't ever contact the person who was being cheated on tho as these things need to play out properly with the cheater actually taking responsibility. Alot of people may just not believe you, the cheater could deny it... really its private business between them. If you get over involved you can end up the bad guy.
But always pressure should be placed on the cheater to confess. I wouldn't think highly of anyone who didn't straight up tell their friend it wasn't OK and they needed to sort it out or the friendship would not be continued.

Thank you for the message. It's very insightful. I'll take it into consideration. Truly thank you.

Thank you for the response.
My boyfriend has the mindset of 'it's nothing to do with me, stay out of it' so I can see why he has stayed quiet.
However, I do agree with your dislike for him, I also am not happy with his response to it.
Thank you for giving me some insight, I'll think about it further.

I believe she deserves to know, if it was a minute after or a month after.
Do you disagree?

I personally wouldn’t repeat anything that my dp told me in confidence because the impact doing so would have on my relationship would have to be my ultimate priority.

Thank you for your response.
Yeah, that's why I'm so torn. Do I want to hurt my relationship? Absolutely not.

Yes I think if you were going to tell her then you should have done it at the time. I do believe the time for telling her has passed. How do you explain that you waited months before saying anything? Surely that’s worse, knowing other people were talking about it behind your back?

Beeswax. None of Yours.