Would you warn your best friend that their parent is very ill before it's official?

[Moomin]

Before I get told off about confidentiality and all that, I am very much aware that there is an absolutely right way to do this, and that is the one we will be following, but there is also a tricky personal angle to this which will be very hard.

So.... dh works in medicine and knows quite a few consultants and surgeons. Dh's best friend's dad has been ill recently, went for some tests (on the NHS) and was waiting for results. Waited over 3 weeks so dh's bf asked dh if this was normal in his opinion. Dh's bf was wanting his parenst to chase up the hospital but they were reluctant - partly because he thinks that's typical of their generation (don't want to 'worry' the doctor unnecessarily ) but maybe also because they have been scared of the results.

Dh works with their consultant in the private sector and asked him about the wait and was it typical? This kind of thing goes on quite a lot, btw, staff making informal enquiries about family and friends. The consultant said he was surprised and would get his secretary chase it up. So he did, and dh told his bf this. Bf was very grateful to have finally got some action and the appointment has finally come through. Initial diagnosis was cancer and the dad was sent for more tests.

The consultant saw dh at work today and said the tests have come back but treatment is not due to start for another 3 weeks,
so initially dh planned to tell his bf of the time scale when they spoke tonight. Consultant then added that the result 'aren't very good at all'. Dh asked then why treatment was taking 3 weeks to get going and the consultant didn't know but said if they got in touch in the next few days he'd try to bypass the system and get this chap in asap (by the end of the week).

Sp dh needs to ring his best friend tonight as bf knew dh was working with this bloke today and was asking for any news on the timescale. Dh needs to tell his bf to get his parents to insist on an earlier appointment really, if the dad is to benefit from any treatment, but it's very tricky. How does dh push the urgency without telling bf the news is bad? Will it be possible to have that conversation?

Dh has decided to tread very carefully as far as the medical ethics are concerned of course but... really, what would you want if it was your dad? Please don't slag dh off for getting involved in the first place - he's gutted about it all and not looking forward to his bf in case he needs to watch what he says.

All I can say is that I must cultivate more friend in the NHS. I've always wanted to be able to queue jump.

I would want your dh to tell me that I need to push for earlier treatment,but I wouldn't expect your dh to tell me anything he didn't feel comfortable saying iykwim.

Message withdrawn

I can understand why your dh got involved,but the consultant has breached confidentiality and put your dh in a very awkward position.

I would go back to the consultant and agree that what dh was actually told was that the family should contact the consultant who would bump them up the queue a little, but your dh knows no more than that.

how much shit would DH get in if he did tell his BF and someone found out?

I think, although he prob wants to tell him I think Its best to wait for teh consulatnt to contact the patient.

I was in a situation similar to this, but it was a life threatening situation that I should not have known about, but discovered by accident. I knew the patient needed urgent help, but couldn't contact the family, or the individual without causing a huge fuss.

I rang up the patient's GP, explained who I was, assured the GP that he did not have to speak to me at all - ie it would be a one sided conversation - told the GP everything he needed to know, and asked him to deal with it, in the best interest of the patient as he saw fit.

I felt that was the only way I could deal with it without breaching confidentiality. I don't know if that helps.

It is a very difficult situation to be in.

He won't be telling his bf the actual news, as I said in my OP: we are well aware of the ethics involved. It's just going to be tough. I like Doodle's suggestion, think that will be OK. The hospital have been so crap already about his appointments anyway, it won't seem untoward to push for an earlier appointment.

and the comments about 'queue-jumping' are amybe a tad harsh as the man has probably just months to live...

tbh I think the consultant only told dh as he trusts him and was speaking as one medical professional to another. I very much doubt the consultant would consider that dh would run straight to the patient's son and tell him.

Thanks for your comments 3littlefrogs - that must have been hard

moomin, if this involved any of my family in this situation i would be very grateful to your dh.
whatever way he can do it he should, loads of people i know q jump , not just the nhs, but anywhere you have a connection. its human nature to help someone out.

Dh has just got in and reiterated that he will not be breaching any confidentiality at all. BUT, he will be advising his bf to push his parents to try to move the appt forward. I got the waiting time wrong - treatment is not due to start for 2 months . It seems so wrong to have to wait that long. But it would also be wrong for dh to tell bf about his dad. After they have their next appointment, you never know, they might not even want treatment. They need to hear it all from the consulatnt with all the appropriate details.