Friendships

[KimLove1]

I wasn't sure which topic to use but I'm wondering. How do you make friends as an adult? That seems childish but after graduating most of the friends I had we grew apart. I still have a few friends but were not as close. I get we're grown and have lives so I try to schedule nail dates, lunch etc but things never go as planned.

I remember being a kid and always going to my mom's friends house or hearing her on the phone for hours. She had close friends she could call at any moment. Lately it seems like I'm putting in more effort and that's ok but I want a friend like me.

The past couple of months I feel really lonely. I have my babies and my boyfriend and family. I want a friend I can call over for wine after a long week. I'm currently in therapy but honestly she just listens and agrees with everything I say. I thought therapy would be different.

Since being in my relationship I don't get out much at all. Before my friends and I went out but if I asked or said something now I don't ask anymore not because I don't want to . I work from home so with my babies being in school. After I'm done working and helping with homework and spending time together cooking dinner it's time for bed.

I miss sitting otp laughing about everything those moments meant so much to me. I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't really do the things I use to love to do hair, nails and makeup. I can't remember the last time I got an outfit because I don't go anywhere. I'm getting older and I feel like time is passing me by.

Now I'm only 29 but I feel like I live like an old lady. I love spending time with my babies going to the park, movies, arcades etc. But I want to interact with adults. I wanna meet people who sees life like me. I can take myself out for lunch or dinner or to the nail salon. But I wanna do those things with friends.

I find joining interest groups is a good way to meet people. Even then, it takes time and longevity for those acquaintances to become friends.

If your children are young, I found that to be the easiest time to make friends with other Mums. Joining relevant groups is the way to do that.

If your children are young and you want to make friends with someone who can come over for wine, it might be harder with Mum friends with kids a similar age. They might not be able to get away as easily.

Yea I get that I know it came be hard.

You might want to ask for a different therapist. I had to try a few before I found one that really fit. You should be growing from it, healing, feeling challenged, etc. It should feel a little like work but therapeutic. I've been in therapy all my life can you tell?

I've used Bumble to find friends. When you sign up choose "BFF." I think there's another one called Peanut? I've heard of it but haven't tried it.

I think if you looked up local FB groups you could find something interesting and might meet people. Personally I would shy away from kid-centered stuff because then you'll just end up talking about your kids the whole time, or doing playdates, etc and you need grownup time. Don't be picky about age either- I've had friends over the years in different age groups, like much younger or much older, and there's something to be gained from all ages. You're still really young so I should be saying don't discriminate if someone is older, all ages of women like to have fun so it's really down to personality. Do you have one of those painting & wine things nearby? That's something you could do solo and meet people. If I were you I would just start googling, get some new outfits and go try some stuff. I've found all my friends meeting them at shared interest points, like seeing live music at a bar, volunteering for a non-profit, etc. That way I'm getting out and having fun even if ai don't make a connection. I usually do though, I just compliment another girl on her outfit or whatever and we start talking.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4600540-to-be-40yrs-old-not-have-any-friends

Lots of advice on here, even though it's an older post.

Find a different therapist. Even if she agrees and there's no way to change whatever is going on in your life, she could at least say that. If she's just letting you unload and you want more, go elsewhere for someone who's a better fit. I've had therapy several times and it's never been like yours. Maybe you need a different type of therapy too.

Friendships in adulthood are harder and I think what your mum had is rare now. People live their lives online now which means less time IRL for friends.

I don't know if this is just the people I've met or a universal thing, but I find people want to do whatever it is they want to do and look for someone who wants to accompany them, that's who they're friends with. So if your friends aren't really that into nails and lunches, they won't prioritise it and will cancel if they get a better offer or just feel like they can't be bothered with it on the day. If you want to stick with these people you're going to have to find out what it is they like doing and join in with that, if you want them to prioritise your meet-ups.

The only way to meet new people is through groups and clubs, volunteering etc, but it does take ages to turn an acquaintance into a friend. If you seem too eager it'll come across as desperate and if you appear to have no friends people will wonder why! It's hard. I don't really have a solution, other than time, energy and hope for the best.

I actually gave up on friendships after being messed around by too many people. I lost the ones I did have after a bereavement. I was ok but couldn't contact anyone, just getting through the days, this lasted for about two years. In that time nobody contacted me. If they had I would've replied. Some knew about the bereavement and some didn't. I found that hurtful and decided that if they didn't contact me for that length of time they weren't good friends anyway, so I didn't get back in touch.

I've got my partner and I'm friends with one new person now. She's great. We hang out drinking tea and talk about whatever.

I decided to get on with building an enjoyable life by myself and if friends came along great and if they didn't I'd continue to manage without them, I'd been doing that for 2yrs anyway.

I'd be friends with you if you lived near me, but this being an international forum you probably don't.

I like low-key things but find most people think that's boring, they want to go do exciting things with their friends that often involves alcohol too. They seem to only do the low-key things if they can spare the time/money and they're bored. It's just a mis-match I think. It takes time to find the right people, especially if you're not "most people" yourself.