Grief over mums passing

[Parker28]

Hi,
I'm really sorry I don't know if this is the right place to post or not. I'll start by saying.. I'm not a mum, I'm 24 and sadly I lost my mum last year. I'm an only child, and now there's just me and my dad. One Tuesday we was all sat in the living room and she developed a nasty cough, by the Thursday we was all sat round her switching the machines off. She got sepsis and pneumonia, and it was so quick and sudden. Seen as though I can't go to my mum anymore I thought I'd try here for some mums advice...
when my mum passed, I didn't cry. I was fine, for weeks and weeks. I did a lovely speech at the funeral and didn't cry during the service once. After around 7/8 months, I started to have these odd random nights where it would hit me and I'd be sobbing all night for no real reason. These nights are still few and far between. A couple of weeks ago my grandad (dads dad) passed away. He was 87 and it was expected, but it his funeral on Thursday. Tonight a family friend rung to ask about the funeral, and whilst on the phone they asked me "how are you doing since your mum passed" and since that phone call I've just cried and cried all night. I don't think I can cope with people asking me all these questions about how I am, and talking about my mum. I miss her terribly, and I don't need the constant reminder on a day that's already hard enough. I know people mean well, I totally get that, but I miss my mum so much, and I just don't want it to be brought up all the time throughout the day. These are people that I haven't seen since my mums funeral, so I have no doubt it will be brought up. I'm also dreading the thought of seeing the coffin, and the funeral in general. It's really hard, and I wish I had my mum to talk to about this, but unfortunately I don't, so I thought I'd ask on here to see if anyone had any tips/advice or if anyone had been in a similar situation.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You deserved many more years with your mum. Subsequent funerals often take us back to our most painful ones. I'm not sure if you should avoid it - do you think you could get any comfort from being around other people who knew your mum? People who care for you? But I understand you might feel it all too much at once.

So sorry you have lost your mum, it must be tough when you are young yourself. Grief is not predictable and it sounds as if you had such a shock losing your mother suddenly. I can see how your grandfather’s funeral could be difficult so soon after your mother’s.

I didn’t want to cry a lot at my dad’s funeral so when I wanted to distract myself I did times tables in my head. I think it is usually important to cry when I feel like crying during grieving but sometimes I don’t want to do this in public.

Wishing you strength during this difficult time. Hopefully other people will come along with good advice.

Hey
I am so so so sorry to read your message. Losing a parent is hard. Losing your mum unimaginable. I can only comprehend how munch anxiety you must have going to your grandads funeral. Having lost my mum a few months ago and being a mother myself I know how difficult it can be do go about your day to day activities without breaking down. I do think of grief as me on a boat. Sometimes we’re in the midst of it and it’s overwhelming crashing waves. And other times it’s waves that we can manage you feel it, but can somewhat handle it. Give yourself time and the space to just feel all the feelings. In regards to your grandads funeral. I’m assuming this is the first funeral after your mums? You might cry more than you did at your mums. I would advise you take some sunglasses and something that can help take the edge off (mine was a shot of brandy). As you will get a lot of people wanting to talk and ask how have you been coping throughout this time. Try not to be frustrated with them, I think it’s a human response to ask even though sometimes it is triggering. You can always give them a heads up, that you don’t want to talk about it. Or keep the conversation very brief and you dictate the subjects around what you feel comfortable talking about. I truly hope this helps, sending you strength 💐and may your mum and your grandads souls Rest In Eternal Peace.

Oh honey, I’m so, so sorry for the terrible loss of your mum. I really feel for you. It’s really common for grief to strike at different times, and of course your granddad’s funeral is going to bring up a lot for you.

I can think of a few things that might help

• ask a sympathetic relative to put the word out among others that you’re not really up to talking about your mum at the funeral

• have a stock phrase ready for those who do bring it up, so you can answer without really engaging and then move away. Something like ‘she’d really have wanted to have been here for Dad today’ (takes the focus off you)

• Bring your bolshiest friend as your ‘bodyguard’ - someone who’ll have the balls and sense to know when to say ‘it’s been lovely talking to you but Parker28 really has to go and see about the flowers/sandwiches/music/etc now’

• Plan something really nice for yourself that evening, even just a box set in your PJs, so you know you’ve got some down time to look forward to.

(I really also like everything @Amynaomi said)

All of us mums here are rooting for you.