Family issues - Brother

[Eva90]

Hi all

Sorry for the long read. I have a brother who is 26 but acts 18. I'm always empathetic with him as he has always struggled with his confidence l, social skills and nerves in general. I believe he is probably on the spectrum as he ticks a lot of the signs although no one has ever said this to him. He's a sensitive person and I know also very loving and caring however, in the last few years he's also become quite arrogant, rude at times and selfish when it comes to our family.

He got a new girlfriend around 8 months ago and literally moved in with her after they had known each other a week! I get the impression it's not the healthiest of relationships and we have barely seen him since and he takes days on end to reply to mine or my mums messages. It drives my mum mad and they clash a lot so I think it is better that he no one longer lives at home. She can be a a bit overbearing and think she has at times pushed him away by being so, but he really acts like a child so I can see why she still treats him like one. It's gone from one extreme to the other where he was home all the time to never seeing anyone.

He visits my parents home once a week or so but will eat dinner in his room and spend most of the time there (like a teenager) and leaves his room in a state. My mum is upset as she just feels like he doesn't make any effort and neither does his new girlfriend. We have met her a handful of times at family birthdays / get together but rarely just randomly. I know he has also dropped his friends since the new relationship. She seems nice enough but doesn't seem close to her family so maybe for her it's the norm.

After thinking about it for a while, I have sent him a long message this evening just explaining that his lack of effort makes it seem like he doesn't care for any of us. I haven't mentioned his gf at all as I know it will get his back up. He really needs to grow up and act his age and realise that our parents aren't getting any younger and he can't keep acting like a stroppy teenager towards them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I just don't know what will get through to him. I know he isn't deliberately trying to upset anyone but I'm so sick of hearing how sad my mum feels every week that she's not heard from him, or he's been really blunt with her. She feels like she is on eggshells constantly and it breaks my heart as she did so much for us as a single mum growing up.

My stepdad has also been an amazing parent to us both and they were also really close, so it's sad to see him just drop everyone without a second thought.

Any thoughts welcome :(

i know it’s hard and you feel you need to jump in but I don’t think your db will respond well to that message you have sent. If he has undiagnosed ASD then I think it won’t land with the impact you expect. Young men in general are often selfish and untidy in my experience they don’t think about their “poor old mum” much if at all.

A more practical approach might work better: set up a family WhatsApp once a week at a particular time; get him to play some kind of silly quiz online (my mum and ASD-DB shared their Wordle score every day, and the time it took them to do a particular crossword every week!) etc.

But it is really up to your mum not you to fix this. You will need to say to your mum, “I am happy to listen and sympathise but I will keep telling you to talk to him not me, as only he can change his behaviour. And if he doesn’t then you have to stop being sad about it and tell him he can’t just turn up and make a mess.”

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

My mum has tried speaking to him lots of times but sadly he only takes notice for a week or two then goes back to his usual ways. Out of me and my mum it's actually me he listens to more as I don't fly off the handle like my mum does which is why I have sent him the note, but im sure it won't be welcome either way to hear the truth.

I have set a family group chat up which he again, never even opens the messages in there. I did suggest in my long message to him that we both make more effort to speak in there, send photos and updates to our parents as they like to see it but I doubt he will. I do feel bad as I know he struggles with his MH but it feels like we're slowly losing him, and he is also losing all of his friends since the new relationship. I know he is an adult but I just want to help him not make these mistakes :(

If your mum generally clashes with him, is overbearing and flies off the handle at him then he is probably distancing himself from her and the family home.

Isn't seeing them once a week pretty standard for a 26 year old man?

I don't think you should keep pushing him to make more contact if he doesn't want it. It'll only serve to make him withdraw further. I get that you want to be a close family with a lot of contact, but it sounds like he wants more space.

Yes I agree it's plenty, but he has only started coming home more after my mum got upset to him as no one saw him for about 6 months when he first got the girlfriend and moved in with her after a week of meeting. He then came home when they broke up (for 2 days) and then disappeared again, so I can see why my mum feels like she is being used. Coming home once a week is great but not if you're just going to sit in your bedroom like a teenager and eat your dinner in there alone? It's actually pretty rude

I should have said that my mum has tried all approaches with him but has flown off the handle when it falls on deaf ears. I guess I am just ranting as I don't know the right way to go about this without completely losing a relationship with him. Maybe there is nothing I can do. I'm happy for him if he's happy but it's just horrible seeing my parents be neglected and ignored constantly