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Original poster

What do I have to do to get some friends around here??!

22 replies

Outsider · 15/12/2004 20:41

When I say "here" I mean where I live, I not long moved to a new town and I get on well with one neighbour, but I was really hoping when ds went to reception I would find some friends at the school gate.

Sorry, this has been done to death I'm sure, about the school gate cliques, but I am trying really hard - i smile at people, stand with the other parents in ds's class at picking up time etc. I thought I was getting on well with a couple of Mums, but it turns out they have already formed a cosy little three-some, going round to each other's houses - how did that happen?? Maybe it's because they all have girls and I have a boy?

Just not sure where I am going wrong - maybe I need to invite a playmate of ds's over or something, but don't want to have to try "too hard", surely friendship shuld come naturally - just fed up with the whole thing, it's always been like this..... (sorry for wingeing!)

OP posts:

OnZephyrstdayofXmas · 15/12/2004 20:43

Snap! I have lived where we are now for 2 years and still dont know anyone!!!!

Gobbledigoose · 15/12/2004 20:43

If I were you, I'd find out who ds has 'linked up with' in class and invite them over to play or for tea after school.

I've made friends through ds's nursery but it's only really taken off this year now he is in his pre-school year and the kids have formed real friendships so we've approached each other and said 'oh Tom talks about Alex all the time - do you think it would be nice if we got together one afternoon to play?' and it's worked out nicely.

That would be my first move. Mind you, I've not reached the school gates yet so hope I can take my own advice when it comes to it!

SilentBite · 15/12/2004 20:43

Where do you live Outsider? You could try a mumsnet meet up, I have made loads of good friends that way.

Other ways, talking to mums at the playground seems good, but my dd is only 2 so not really the same for you I guess. I suppose I have the "joys" of the school gates cliques to come

Ags · 15/12/2004 21:16

I sympathise completely. I have just moved from Ireland to Kent with husband and 15 month ds. Have joined the weekly mother and toddler group and sometimes feel so the new girl that it drives me crazy. Am lucky in the fact that all the other Mums are so friendly and nice but it is hard to take it one step further than just meeting up at the group. Also a lot of them have other children at school and that seems to bond them in a different way so a lot of conversations that are based around school events leave me totally in the dark. The advice to invite other children on playdates is a good one. This will not make you look as if you are trying too hard but might help you to make that extra connection. Keep us posted on how you get on. Good luck.

winterwarmmummer · 15/12/2004 21:18

Have you tried asking them round to yours - coffee/tea dates? If you do pluck up courage don't invite all three of the clique around at once.

Does your ds/dd have any particular friends in the class who you could follow up?

Good Luck

TheHollyAndTheTwiglett · 15/12/2004 21:23

invite someone over .. invite someone over .. invite someone over

someone has to do the invites first in order for it to be reciprocated

moondog · 15/12/2004 21:24

Just want to say that there is no reason that you have to get in with the school gate crowd you know!
You could always try other stuff-toddler groups,volunteer work, parish council,church.

Most of my friends are people I've met on the b/feeding support network circuit (not all, I hasten to add, just 'kiidy' friends IYKWIM!)
Really can't be arsed to break into the school gate circuit. I say hello obviously but that's it.

ZCMUM · 15/12/2004 21:25

Where abouts are you? I'm in the same boat, moved 200miles in oct and don't know anyone in new area!

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 15/12/2004 21:25

I know how you feel. I have been taking one or more of my children to school now for 4.5 years and I still don't have any real friends from the playground. I would like to think I am exceptional though! I think you will find it does become easier when your ds has firm friends and starts socialising himself, but this can take a year or longer to happen. I know loads of people now, just cannot get past the friendly chat in the playground/on the pavement stage. I have scarcely ever had anyone back to my house in all that time! . I posted about this not so long ago and had the idea of having a charity fund raising coffee morning which a lot of Mumsnetters thought a good idea. Trouble was, when I mentioned it to one of my acquaintances, she said that was the last sort of thing she would feel comfortable attending! That rather put me off! You might have more luck though.

moondog · 15/12/2004 21:29

Can you volunteer to do things in/for the school? We have a v active parents' committee.
Surefire way to get 'in'!!

Original poster

Outsider · 15/12/2004 21:30

Thanks for responses - SB I went to a couple of Mumsnet meets in my old town (I've been on here a while but in a different guise!) and everyone was friendly but I just didn't have anything in common, I guess.

I must I must I must invite someone over then, bite the bullet - have to say there is a boy that ds plays with a lot before the bell goes and I've tried to strike up a conversation with his mum but she dashes off (maybe shy??) I suppose I've got nothing to lose if I ask her, have I?

Now there are only 2 days before the Christmas hols, do you think I should try and speak to her and arrange something for the holidays, or is Christmas too busy with visiting, etc. and wait until term starts again?

OP posts:

Original poster

Outsider · 15/12/2004 21:32

Moondog I've put my name down to help out with the parents association (I work during school hours, so it would be difficult in the daytime), but there have been events and no-one has tried to contact me! I am free evenings and weekends, you know (that was a comment to the PTA )

OP posts:

albosmum · 15/12/2004 21:34

put a similar post up the other week - I have come to conclusion that you like me are not doing anything wrong. I have no advice at all - I just keep smiling saying hello, inititating converatons, inviting DSs friens over etc.. but still have not in 4 years had anything remotely like a conversation with a playground mum plus ds has never been invited to anyones house - even though we have his friends at ours.

bunny2 · 15/12/2004 21:37

We were new to the area 2 years ago. I was determined to make friends and did so by inviting everyone I met with small children over for coffee - most people were very appreciative and I cant remember anyone actually turnig me down. 2 years on, ds and I have a really good social life. Remember most people are basically shy and afraid of rejecion so someone has to take a deep breath and make the first move. Good luck.

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 15/12/2004 21:38

Don't want to depress you, but I eagerly joined our PTA when ds1 started school and found it incredibly cliquey. Gave up after one year of being active and one more year of not doing much. Perhaps that is why you haven't been contacted by them. These groups can be very difficult to infiltrate.

Original poster

Outsider · 15/12/2004 21:39

Oh I feel for you all in the same boat, sorry that I didn't see the other posts. Albosmum, thats sad.
It'llBLonely, A coffee morning is a good idea, but I have a real downer that no-one would turn up and I can't take that kind of rejection.
I DO really want to make an effort, if not for me then for ds, as he's an only child and I always pictured him having loads of friends around and vice versa.

OP posts:

albosmum · 15/12/2004 21:50

DS no 1 is 9 and ds no 2 just got here (7 months like you I did not want him to be an only/lonely child but I keep perservering - eventually he will be invited somewhere.

You have to keep trying - how old is DS. As mine has got older it has become easier for hinm to organise friends coming round with very little input from me

I reckon coffee mornings are a very good idea

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 15/12/2004 21:53

Outsider, I know what you mean about fearing rejection: that is my main problem too. That was why I thought of making it a charity event so I would feel they were rejecting the charity rather than me personally. But I agree with others, you have to make the effort first if you want to achieve a difference. Whereabouts are you?

GoodKingWestCountryLass · 15/12/2004 22:38

Well I have made friends with one family as I pass there house on the way to school and am now taking their little girl to school as well (how did that happen!!!!) and i've made friends with two others by inviting them round after school for a coffee. Can you ask those other Mums to come round to yours one afternoon?

moondog · 15/12/2004 22:51

I generally don't think the British are very good at inviting people into their homes. I've lived in many different countries and noone is as reserved as Britain.
When I was a kid, we lived in the Pacific for a loooong time. Lots of Aussies there and people would be hanging around each others' from the off, helping themselves to beers from the fridge and the like.People were calling on you as you unpacked!! We had a fab social life (esp compared to dh who reckons that as a child, his family never entertained or were entertained, apart from by very close family !

Now in Turkey where I live, people are incredibly hospitable, also in Russia where we were before.

I like entertaining and invite people around a lot, for anything from drinks to dinner, a coffee whatever, but have got pissed off and cut down because I find the return invites are few and far between. I don't think this is because they don't like me (maybe it is !!) rather that they just can't be arsed.
They certainly jump at the chance to come to MY house and usually hang out far too long!! Sisters say that this is because I make too much of an effort to entertain nicely and they just lap it up!!
I don't think ANYONE wouldn't feel flattered by an invite to someone else's, so think you should just give it a go, and invite one or two and their kids, not as a charity thing but as a personal thing.
(My sister says she always jumps at the chance to let her kid trash someone else's for a change!! That's the other thing. Only women with small children understand how challenging they can be,so really need to stick together esp. on the entertaining front. Such a relief to be with someone who doesn't have priceless china heirlooms perched precariously on every surface!! )

cardigansarenotjustforxmas · 15/12/2004 23:02

Do you have a local playpark - could go there with one of your ds friends from school? I understand about school cliques. I'm not in any of my dds school cliques (relief )- but feel that it makes life easier as I can go between groups rather than always stuck with the same group. Volunteer at the school is a good idea - I hope to this when smallest starts at school in a 2 yrs time. Hold a party for ds birthday - could get the conversation going. Best wishes

wrapmefestively · 15/12/2004 23:04

You say that surely friendships should come naturally...well actually I do think you need to work at it, and as the others say bite the bullet and invite people over.

Good luck!

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