Trigger warning - abuse.
I'm feeling ridiculous for writing this. I'm a functioning 41 year old woman with a husband and two children, but I'm having assessments done by the mental health services for bad anxiety and occasional desperation, OCD and potential ADHD. I'm still going to work etc.
For some context, my first husband died by suicide around 8 years ago. Caring for him and then the suicide took its toll on me and I assumed this was where the issues had come from. Looking back, though, I was always anxious. I self harmed, had OCD and depression as a teenager, all self diagnosed (in that I can look back now as an adult and see what it was / is)
I had a counsellor for a while who I went to after my husband died. She was wonderful and it helped to a certain extent, I still see her occasionally, but it's not got rid of the issues. I ended up speaking to her more about my childhood than my husband dying. I've spoken about the same with the psychologist who is doing my assessment. She's not said a great deal back, as she is just assessing at the moment.
My question is, and it feels like a stupid one, is I don't know if what I experienced as a child / teenager was abuse. My dad used to lose his temper on a regular basis, as in I've never in my life had someone shout so loud. Spit coming out his mouth and wild eyes. Would be over the smallest thing. The worst thing that happened was that he chased me to my bedroom in an argument (my reaction was always to run away to my bed) pulled the covers off me, grabbed my by my hair, pulled me by the hair along the top corridor of our house, down the stairs, through the hallway and into the livingroom where my feet left the floor before I landed. My mum, brother and sister were all in the livingroom and saw it happening. I then had to apologise to the family for my behaviour. (From what I remember, I swore at my sister and that was why he started)
In other instances he had me up against the wall by my throat, hit me across the head so hard I started to black out, and also threw the door open so hard that it broke the door. He would hold his fist above my face as if to punch me (while holding my neck) but never did. Every time he'd chased me up the stairs first. This happened every couple of months from the end of primary school to high school.
I've always wondered if my friends were experiencing the same thing and if this is just what happened in the 90s. Obviously I've never asked anyone and didn't tell anyone at the time. I always felt like I'd done something wrong to deserve it so never questioned it too much. My new husband and counsellor are the only people who I've told. I have regular nightmares, at least weekly, all of which involve my dad chasing me up the stairs and attacking me, sometimes being inappropriate with me.
I wasn't a perfect teenager but also didn't do much wrong. I generally just wanted to hide during an argument and I'm the same now!
I'm just trying to figure out why I struggle so much- if it's because of what happened back then, because of losing my husband or because I have something wrong with me. I still have to see my dad occasionally and it's especially hard as my mum is struggling with health problems so communication tends to go through him.
If you've got this far, you deserve a medal, thank you so much for listening! X