When buying a house 4 years ago, I found the experience quite difficult. My husband wanted us to stretch ourselves to out forever house - I would have been ok with our next house and more disposable income. He also expanded the area of our house search to somewhere I didn’t want to look at and we did buy a house there. We needed to get out of the starter house we had been living in as the drug dealer with the children throwing bottles of urine out of the window across the road was intolerable so time felt quite pressured.
I’d explained the things I wanted - a cafe I liked to potter to, people like us, I really like older houses with character, nearby things for when we have children - he dismissed those things as frivolities.
Ive been a really poor self advocate - I know that and regret it. Ultimately I’ve tried to like the house we like in - but I bloody HATE it. (Objectively it’s fairly modern, large, south facing garden, lots of downstairs space which is good for hosting, a quiet street). I feel really resentful that I wasn’t listened to - after a few times of your ideas being seen as childish you start to believe it.
Im getting more and more resentful feeling trapped as we are spending more and more of our disposable income on bills and mortgage . The areas where I wanted to have increased in price more than where we live - so I’m not sure we could afford to move there like for like. I just feel trapped and resentful.
I just don’t know what to do now - in theory he’s agreed to move but is smug in the knowledge it wouldn’t be possible or practical and he won’t compromise on downsizing.
I just want to walk away because I can’t seem to get past this and the resentment is getting worse but we have 2 children to consider. The house is a constant expensive reminder that I couldn’t get my point across and wasn’t listened to.
Other things for context / to consider:
- I’m being assessed for autism - fairly sure I have it. so I do find communication hard.
- Since having my children I have epilepsy which started during pregnancy with my eldest so I can’t drive and spend half my life on the bus going to things actually where we want to live.
- The people in our area have lived here their whole lives, worked hard for what they have but we haven’t lived in our city our whole lives and I just feel like we don’t fit in / won’t fit in.
- Weve tried relationship counselling for communication and in the rows about the house he already said we could move and then was so passive about it - it made it impossible. I’ve carried on making compromises and being strung along for nearly a year.
- I’m starting a course in tech rather than healthcare so that at some point there’s not the 60k disparity between our salaries which might make getting away easier but that’ll be a couple of years before my wage would pick up.
- Some things about the area such as the bus services and travellers constantly in the park and woods behind our house have made it worse. (They make it unsafe / unsanitary to get to the park through the woods with the excrement / loose dogs - essentially negating the one nice thing about our area)
Is there anything else I can do - or has anyone been through anything similar?
I KNOW a lot of people have much worse housing problems.