Only children

[RosieT]

How do other mums feel about having an only child? We just have the one, and although my husband is keen to have another "to complete the family", I feel our family IS complete. We had our little one (who's now 4, brilliant, gorgeous and much loved, etc, etc) late-ish (I was 36) and I was unfortunate enough to have postnatal depression (accompanied by a totally unsupportive doctor), so I'm not hugely keen to risk rocking the boat by repeating the experience, although I feel a lot of 'peer pressure' in that everyone else I know seems either to be having a second one or asking me whether/when we're planning on another. I'd be really interested to hear anyone else's experience.

I'm with you. DH wants another; DD wants a sibling. Who's going to change the nappies, get up in the night, etc? Me!!! Why not DH? Cos when he's working he's out of the country. Not exactly conducive to helping out with baby!

Quite a few of the children in DD's class are only ones too so it's not that unusual round here.

There's quite a bit here about this - just don't get put off by the original title.

I'll try to get some time tomorrow to add to this.

RosieT, I've only got one and that's all I'm having!! I love my little boy to bits, but I also had him late (almost 35) and suffered from post-natal depression too. Took a while to get over it, in fact I think ds was close to 1 yr old before I finally started to feel normal again. DH doesn't want any more either so at least we both feel the same way. I really don't mind having one child, I have a SIL with two children around the same age as ds, and I've also got a couple of friends with kids of a similar age, so we get them together whenever we can. He also goes to two playgroups and he'll be starting kindergarten in another year, so I will just have to make sure that he has his friends/cousins around him on a regular basis (or as often as he wants to see them). As SueW said, it's very common these days to be an only child and some couples are opting to have none, so I think you should do what you feel is right for you. After all, the bulk of the responsibility will probably be yours if you have another one, so I guess you have to take that into consideration too.

Oo RosieT, I understand how you feel but I'm afraid I can't be of much help. I am very undecided myself though nature may decide for me as it took me 8 yrs and 1 mc to get pg. We have the most wonderful DS who is now almost 14mo but everyone keeps asking when we're going to have another. Like you I had him late on and worry about having another child 1) so close 2) even later on. People seem to think I'm a bit a weird being happy with just the one but I couldn't ask for more though I do worry that DS will be sorry/lonely later on when he's grown up as there won't be any 'family'.

Thanks for your messages ? especially Twink for redirecting me to the fascinating discussions on just this subject earlier this year. Quite brought tears to my eyes ? I'd no idea there were obviously so many other mums who felt just this way ? torn, ambivalent, guilty, and all the rest ... It?s really reassuring to find I'm not alone, dispite being apparently surrounded by rose-tinted mums happily popping out second, third and even fourth sprogs. I suppose I feel it's kind of now or never: if I'm being honest, I don't want another, but I don't want to confine my son to a lonely life as a reviled spoilt brat (actually, he's charming and sociable, but I'm just sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for it to all go pear shaped and it'll ALL BE MY FAULT!)

From another perspective I'm an only child! Like all family sizes, there are pros and cons, but I certainly didn't miss having siblings when I was young - in fact I think most of my age group who had siblings were jealous

Pros that I can think of offhand: more attention from mum and dad (and they don't have to worry so much about being "fair" or having "favourites", better educational opportunities and more money to do things with (my parents were able to scrape to send me to a good school - impossible with more children, and had the time to help me with studies, take me on trips etc), no sibling rivalry!

Cons that I can think of offhand: far more parental pressure - the only child can feel pressured to achieve (even now I think my mother feels I wasted my education as I'm not a big career person), chance of less confidence in social situations (worth making sure you give lots of opportunities for socialisation - I lived in a village so had to be ferried everywhere which compounded the problem I think), no-one to gang up on parents with, lonely as an adult when big issues come up (when my father died it was just me responsible for mum which was very hard - didn't really get time to grieve myself).

So, rejoice in the pros, counterbalance the cons as best you can, and ignore the "peer pressure" as best as you can!

second smiley should have been a bracket - sorry!

Yup, Georgina A, you've summed it up, I think. I'm an only child and have very little but idyllic memories of childhood. My parents were good about not pressurising me in any overt way (although I was a conspicuously amenable little girl and probably tended to do what they wanted anyway) and I still have a very strong bond with them.

So please don't worry about turning out spoilt children - after all, we all learn to share in group situations. The only thing that I think I was late to learn was how to deal with conflict, but I've definitely caught up on that one now

We too are going down the 'just the one child full stop' road. As long as YOU are happy with that - be selfish for once, forget anyone else, you are the one that will be dealing with the situation. Just because you child has a sibling doesn't mean you will become a rosy happy family, especially if you are finding it tough now. I know I am.

We personally have chosen to have one child and feel that our lives are complete. And yes others say "when's the next one?" I always say one is quite enough to keep us out of mischief, and am also quite bewildered as to how do people have three or four.

We've just got the one ds - but as he's nearing three am constantly being asked when the next one will be and frankly it's getting on my xxxs. Firstly - how do people know that you can't just have one? Several of my friends are going through hell trying to have a second child - some managed it "naturally" first time round, some spent a fortune on IVF. Then there are people, myself included, who had such a traumatic experience first time around that they are loathe to try again as yet, and possibly ever. Anyway, for the time being ds is going to be an only child - maybe time will change things, maybe it won't - but it's nobody else's business. Also, who is to say that if we did have another child ds and he/she would be best mates? My cousins can't stand the sight of each other and would have been much happier being single children!

I Know what you mean willow, the constant asking does get on your xxxs. People were always asking me and I remember going to a wedding just after a miscarriage and being asked about 4 times. As you say, how do they know what might be in your history? How do they dare to take the chance? I know I wouldn't.

Just the one for us too. I couldn't be happier with my ds and although I get the occasional pang for a new baby, I know taht it's not what I really want. People do think it's strange, but then I can't imagine wanting three or four!

Yes, I too am very happy with my only DS - have posted at length on previous threads on this subject so won't bore you again but strongly believe that if a parent is likely to spoil a child - it doesn't matter if it is an only or not, some children are just spoilt!

Actually few people ask if I am having another, I obviously look my age, in fact yesterday someone asked if my son was my grandson!! If anyone does ask me , I just say 'no thanks, I don't want to be collecting my pension and child benefit at the same time' - that shuts them up!

An interesting thread that I read because I am trying to have a second and not having any luck. It was really reassuring to hear the messages from 'GeorginaA' and 'mines'as it is too easy to feel guilty when you can't or choose not to have another child.