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Original poster

What shall I do?

10 replies

noddyholder · 13/12/2004 12:58

My mum has always treated my brother sister and myself terribly and often with indifference.5 months ago she stopped ringing me completely for no reason and put the phone down on my sister,it was my birthday a month ago and no card!My ds adores them although she hardly sees him and never shows any real affection to anyone.She has always been this way but is getting worse,ds keeps talking about xmas and seeing them and I just think its not going to happen I sent her a card a week ago saying life is short and its xmas etc etc and I don't want ds affected by all this.Still nothing in reply.She has been gradually pushing us all away for years and I think she's managed it now as usually no matter what she does we still would do anything for her,now I need to tell ds something and I want to tell him the truth as I spent all summer lying to hom saying she wasn't coming cos she's busy or whatever but I can't keep excusing her.Her husband my stepdad is lovely but she treats him like dirt and if he dared come to see us against her will his life would be hell
I am so upset about this as he has no other relations and I don't know what to do She has always said she's not maternal or into families but I thought she would change as she got older but she is worse.Should I tell him now or give her a few more days?Sorry so long but I know someone on here will be able to help

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DingWongMerrilyOnHigh · 13/12/2004 13:14

Oh dear, what a disappointment.

I think you should tell him and soften the blow with a substitute treat, what would he really really like to do?
Tell him that granny is not very friendly and it is nothing at all to do with him, it's just the way she is. And then tell him that he can have his treat, activity rather than present - only because I personally think that giving kids actual things in exchange for disappointing them is a dangerous road to go down. Plus he will remember that you are a great mum and his self esteem will be boosted.

Plus if your mum is a cold fish he 'd better get used to it. (my BIL is the same, it's not ideal when a family member just doesn't want to play ball with a child)

hth

Original poster
noddyholder · 13/12/2004 13:21

thanks the trouble is my mum is v generous with big over the top presents and I think she will do her usual and send my stepdad down with presents to drop off I really don't want them this year but ds will be gutted!!

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mrschristmaswallace · 13/12/2004 13:32

explain that some people cant show their love with actions so they buy big expensive presents instead, and that although granny loves them(so as not to upset them), she finds it hard to show it herself, which is why she sends grandad down with gifts..this might soften the blow until you can really explain at a later stage as you dont want to upset them near christmas even if it is awful.big hugSmile

Original poster
noddyholder · 13/12/2004 13:33

thanks I will do that and let him at least have a nice time

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Original poster
noddyholder · 13/12/2004 14:06

bump

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Original poster
noddyholder · 13/12/2004 15:49

anyone else?Ds has just come home with a present for them from school fair.It is heart breaking I need to tell him I suppose

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Mum2girls · 13/12/2004 16:03

I'm amazed that your little boy adores them poor little lamb...my dad was a very 'hands-off' grandad (although not on a par with your mum) and my DD rarely spoke about him. Were they very close at some point and she's just turned off from him?

Original poster
noddyholder · 13/12/2004 16:14

When she is with him she puts on a good show!He has no other grandparents and when they do see him they buy him lots of expensive things,my stepdad is very good with him and would have him to stay all the time but my mum is always working and is obsessed with material things so says she has to pay for it!She never rings him or shows any real interest in anything apart from her house.She has a huge 6 bed mansion(literally)in ireland (lives here) and is doing it up but no one is allowed to go there and if they do she can't wait to get rid of them I have run out of steam TBH don't know what to do

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mistletoe · 13/12/2004 16:24

Putting your concerns of ds aside for just one moment, if she has really just stopped contacting you without any cause, I think you need to get to the bottom of it.

Can you speak to your step-dad, and find out if he knows what the problem is? If there really hasn't been a reason for her to take the hump, then ask him if her behaviour is changing in any other way. Could she be getting depressed, or even sliding gently towards senility?

When you know that, it'll help with what to tell ds, as you will know whether the situation is likely to be permanent or temporary. After all, you don't want to upset ds by telling him he won't see her at all, for her to turn up the following day, all bright and breezy.

Original poster
noddyholder · 13/12/2004 16:29

she is fine not depressed I know that from people who have seen her.My stepdad wouldn't be allowed to speak to us about her she would literally throw him outMy sister phoned up on stepdads birthday in august and my mum put the phone down on her and since then has ignored us all.As dp says she is NEVER nice to or about anyone and she will be loving all this I am beginning to feel I should cut all ties

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