Moved to a new city 6 yrs ago, still not settled in fact hate it. Want to go back to my old town, hubby’s on board, need to convince reluctant teen

[Chumberlins]

My youngest (8) will be ok with it. My eldest (15 doing GCSE’s at the mo) will protest, but I want to wait till after his GCSE’s to put it to him. Middle one (13) will also object.
As I said, we relocated 6 yrs ago (4 hour car journey distance).
Kids have made friends and are happy at school. I, however, am beyond miserable.
I have really tried, and I think, at 6 yrs, have given it a good stretch. I am so unhappy, worried about my mental health. I have no friends and really do not fit in.
I miss my old life, friends and family. I had such a support network there. Since being here, I feel like I’m such a freak and weird as i have made no friends. I feel like I’m in prison and trapped.
Is it fair to uproot my kids when they’re happy here?
Before September would be the best time ( I think). My eldest would have finished his GCSE’s. If I wait till after his A-levels, my middle one would have just finished yr 10 and his GCSE’s will be disrupted.
Any advice will be appreciated. Many thanks. Lost and confused.

Oo it's tough - by moving them at those ages, it'll probably be hard for them to make new friends / settle down (I say this as someone who moved lots!). If you move to improve your mental health, do you think it'll worsen their mental health? 4 hours is so far, they wouldn't be able to pop back to see friends easily.

Does your eldest have a college / 6th form already picked out? If you move over summer, will they be able to get into education for the same courses in this new area? Personally I think it would be hard for them to start somewhere brand new with no friends for a-levels.

What about the middle / youngest DC, is everything sorted for their education to move too?

Going back to your support network could remove them from theirs so it's a hard balance. Would your standard of living be the same or better if you moved back to where you want to? Also, do you visit the area often? It would be a shame to move back after 6 years and not have it as you remember. Another consideration would be that you've been gone for 6 years, you might find it hard (I did!) to slot back into those friend groups you left - a lot of things change / move on in 6 years.

Yes I think it’s unfair - not only to uproot them when they’re happy and settled after a massive upheaval a few years ago but to do it in the middle of their exams.

I also agree with the pp who says you might not slot back in as easily and quickly as you think - six years is quite a while.

Do you work? How do you fill your days if you don’t? What have you done to keep busy and get to know others? It can be difficult to make new friendships when the DC get older and you’re not doing the school gate/kids activities stuff.

What are your eldest plan post gcse? Do they have offers at the moment because if they do want to go to sixth form exactly how is that going to work. How is he going to get moved collect his results and find a college place. Are you even going to be able to move in that time. Find school places for them etc

will he want to go or find some way to stay (friends for example that would be willing to keep him)

my parents moved when I was 18 and it’s tough - you will be forcing an awful lot on them.

Your timeframes for the eldest two are unrealistic and could cause huge issues.

I have really tried, and I think, at 6 yrs, have given it a good stretch. I am so unhappy, worried about my mental health. I have no friends and really do not fit in.

Other than time, in what ways have you really tried /given it a good stretch?

Nobody moves across country to an instant social and support group. You have to build one, and it takes time and positive effort to get out there and do it and actually see results.

Why did you move in the first place?

Will you be able to return to your old life? Will people have moved on so it will t be quite the same?

You can never go back - it's a different place now. I think you could be setting yourself up for a massive fall by moving and pissing off your 2 eldest into the bargain.

Your home town will have changed. Your friends & family will have moved on, found new friends, new jobs, new hobbies. You will not be able to step back into the space you had there. So if you're intent on moving it would be best to consider it like moving to a new town.

Had a friend to went back to Aus after 10 years here - thought she'd pick up all the old family links and friendships. They'd all moved on too. She came back within 6 months. She was really upset she couldn't slot back into friendships etc.

Have you thought about getting some counselling to talk through why you feel so out of place in your current city ?

If you are intent on moving this year, you'll really need to get a wiggle on so you can get a place for your DS to do his A levels and your middle one to start his GCSEs - in fact it could be difficult as it's only 6-7 before the end of term.

That should be 6-7 weeks before the end of term

You will be doing to your kids and their mental health/friendships what you say you are experiencing yourself.
Not fair.

Well, it's your mental health or theirs really. I think you'll have to stick it out really.

What things have you tried? Can you say whereabouts you are?

You ask if it’s fair? I don’t think it is. Are you sure you wouldn’t be having mental health problems in another place? You can’t know that you wouldn’t. Also at the age you are probably at (and I am too!) are you sure you’re not going through the menopause as your reaction sounds quite extreme, but menopause can seriously affect your anxiety and stress levels.

I’m really unhappy where we live and I’ve been here 10 years now. We’ve got kids in secondary education 14 and 13 and I’m resigned to the fact that I need to wait until they’re done with college to move as they’re settled here.

Are you going to come back @Chumberlins ?

Well to each their own, but personally I couldn't imagine putting my own well-being ahead of that of my children's. And don't kid yourself; that's exactly what you will be doing. They (I assume) didn't get a say about being uprooted the first time around. I couldn't forgive myself for doing it to them again. And the chances are, they won't forgive you either.

Your home town will have changed. Your friends & family will have moved on, found new friends, new jobs, new hobbies. You will not be able to step back into the space you had there
I agree with this. It's impossible to go back. That time has passed. You may feel just as unhappy if you move or worse because your expectations are higher.
I also think it's unfair to uproot your children who are settled and happy. Especially the 16 year old. You may find they refuse to leave and try and get a friend to put them up.

Wow. Thanks for all your messages. I guess I am being unreasonable. Great to get other perspectives

You really need to keep putting time and effort into your life. It takes a long time to make old friends. Do you have; work, hobbies, volunteer, school activities, religious if that's your bag? You need to scatter bomb to make friends, and don't expect to have as many friends who get you as well as those made over a lifetime.