Living arrangements with blended family

[Followthefaith]

I just wanted some advice because I'm a bit stuck.. me and my partner have been together for 4 years. We both have a son from a previous relationship. My son is 5 and has autism but he is quite high functioning althought talks a lot and is quite needy and struggles with regulating emotions and routine etc. His son is 6 and is non verbal has epilepsy and global development delay. He needs lots of extra care and cannot dress, feed, go toilet or get to sleep on his own. He doesn't sleep much usually around 3 hours on average a night and will not understand when we tell him things most of the time but my son does understand and follows instructions. Me and my partner take them for days out to places that support children with disabilities and have been proactive in making sure they have as good a quality as life as any other child. We have a loving environment for them and they both feel safe and secure with us. Currently my son goes to his dad's every other weekend and my partner's son is with him every Friday - Sunday then every single half term he has him too. My partner sort of lives with me. He is at mine every Monday - Thursday then Friday - Sunday him and his son stay. His son sleeps in the living room with him on a sofa bed. (I have a small 2 bed bungalow). This works well for us. But during the half terms (unless I have annual leave to spend with my son which is two weeks of a year. I also have all bank holidays included in annual leave automatic and only work 20hours a week Mon - Fri so have little leave). I have set a boundary that he stays at his parents house with his son as when I have to work/ my son goes to holiday clubs, I cannot have as little as 3 hours sleep a night. It affects us all as my partner's son bless him cannot sleep for long and doesn't understand that noisy toys are not allowed during the night he is quite repetitive so will get loud toys out which calms him but wakes up all up including my son which causes melt downs. On a weekend it's not too bad because my son goes to his dad so only 2 weekends a month he would have distrubed sleep. But if it's really bad on a Friday my partner will take his son to his parents so we can rest and I will sometimes watch the kids so he can rest. It works for us. However, my parents wants to get a house together and understanbly by living together in a home we both have paid for we both want to stay there during half terms. I am anxious and don't know how to communicate to him that this isn't really an arrangement I think would work due to him having his son during the holidays as I would find it hard to work with the extra care his son needs. For context I support my son myself his dad only contributes very little and I rely on what little money I have to support him as I hate to rely on a man. (I do not get any benefits other than DLA) because my partner is with me so often although not on tency his income would wipe out any benefits so I didn't really bother. I have had help from my partner's fortunately as my mum has a bit of money so it hasn't been an issue. But I feel that if we were to live together and pay for a mortgage (we plan to buy with help from parents) then I would need to work full time. I can't imagine working full time and having 13 weeks a year of having to do intense care of two children and little sleep. I feel really stuck and selfish because it is easier for me to stay as I am and him get his own place for him and his son and we just take them out and do things together. Just for extra info we plan to not have any more kids together so I feel this could work. But he thinks it's not a proper relationship and wouldn't be happy in that arrangement. I am also finding my boyfriends sons mother doesnt seem to spend any of his free time out of school with him (maybe she cannot cope. I try not to judge) but I think when he leaves school my partner will be doing 50/50 of the care for him. My partner's sons mother doesn't work as she is not expected to as being a carer for a child with the level of needs he has but I feel that we do have to work so it makes it difficult for us to care and work full time too in theory. So I am thinking maybe this relationship is not going to work in the long run. I love my partner and care for his son but I feel I havent got the circumstances to make this work. I have to think about my own sons and his needs. My partner wouldn't be able to support me, my son and his son on his wage and pay for a house if I was to not work and look after the children. And I certainly cannot make enough in my job full time either so he could look after them. What do you think would be best? Please be kind I'm struggling so much with this.

Should have said partner wants us to get a place not my parents!

I don't have any advice, though it does sound complex. You could ask MNHQ to move it to the step parenting thread as you may find like minded people there? Good luck.

You're absolutely right-you have to do what works for you and it sounds like sharing a house isn't it. It would be a shame if you're partner feels that it therefore isn't a 'proper' relationship but it would have a seriously detrimental impact on your life. He sounds pretty selfish actually, he's only thinking about the benefits for himself.

OK so partner wants you to buy a house together with help from YOUR parents or both sets?

And your Mom is already helping you out financially?

Does your partner contribute to the bills? Is he paying rent at his mother's? Does he genuinely do his sons care when he has him plus his share of housework when he's at yours?

Firstly, you can't afford to buy a house. You're relying on parents to pay for it, you aren't in a position to work full time atm, would you even get a mortgage?

At most I'd say look for a 3 bed rental, agree it's in your name just in case as you're giving up the 2 bed, and see how it goes. Proportional money into the pot for bills / 5050.

Byt given you don't want to have to live with his sons care needs, I think it's best to be clear and say that living together doesn't work for you. It's this or nothing.

When do you get a break from childcare? Your son goes to his dad's every other weekend but you have you your BF's son every weekend. Regardless of his sons special needs, you must also be exhausted from looking after your child also and need some down time?

What were his living arrangements before he "kind of sort of" lives with me 7 days a week? Has he ever lived in his own and cared for his son or was it a move from his ex into his DP's house then in with you with his son tagging along?

You honestly sound like a lovely person but you are tying yourself up in knots over this trying to come up with a solution that suits everyone apart from you. Your priority should be you and your son. Personally I would suggest that he has his son at his parents and you see each other on the weekends your son is with his dad and a night or 2 in the week and forget trying to blend families.

We had a brief conversation about it but he doesn't really think not living together is like a proper family. We could still spend time together with the kids etc but I think then it works for us all in terms of working etc. I don't know what he will do if he has his son 50% when he leaves school as my partner works full time but I think I need to consider my own cirucmstances for my son too so it's hard. I feel it's better to have our own finances and homes and childcare arrangements and we could still be a family.

My mum has properties so currently I rent from her but very low rent so it helps me out. She wants to help me get a home when I work full time of course. But I wanted to wait until my son has adequate childcare and is settled as he's only been at school since September and I have frequent appointments to support his development so part time works for me. I pay for bills and food and my partner contibutes half of this. I save my son's DLA for his things and save some of my money towards a deposit but my mum would help me when the time comes. My partner's already has savings exceeding 60k so he can put a deposit down now if he wanted but he wants to go halves and get a nice home together. He does care for his son he is a really good dad. I am proud of how well he does. He doesn't at all rely on me to help him but together we help both our sons because that's our babies. And he does help with house work we both just do everything 50/50. It's not that I don't want to live with his sons care needs. We decided not to have children together because of his son's needs and we both agree he needs lots of care and that is important but I have to work and I feel that if he had his own space for him and his son he can then choose to work less during holidays or when his son is older and look after him more frequently and I can work and support my son.

Well I think when my son is in bed in the evenings I get a couple of hours with my partner which works for us at the moment. I don't really mind not having time on my own I like having a family and it's like if we were having our sons together with eachother we wouldn't need to be away from them so I feel like there isn't really any need for it. It is exhausting but I think I'm grateful that we have children and they won't be little forever so we try and spend as much time with them as we can. I said kind of as he doesn't live with me during the holidays and at Christmas we stay with my parents because they make it really magical and it's like a little two week holiday. He didn't live on his own he split with his ex and lived with his parents for two years then we met and we loved seperatly until a year ago. We wanted to be a family since we both didn't have a good experience and the kids get on well and are happy most of the time. Other than sleep and needing lots of attention the boys do really well. I think that too. But I am scared to say this and he breaks it off with me thinking I'm saying I don't want to be around his son ☹️ he gets quite defensive. He has his son every weekend so we wouldn't have time together alone on weekends anyway. It's just more the holidays that are an issue. If I suggest we get a place and he goes to his parents or I go to my parents every half term I think he will find this upsetting. It's like he thinks I'm trying to punish him for having his son but I just want it to be manageable for us all and for my son to sleep well and not start a day with anxiety when going to holidays clubs. He already finds it so difficult and I haven't got any other childcare options unfortunately. Sorry to go on! X