I’m seeking advice and the chance to offload.
I have a friend. She’s prickly with most people, can be really unforgiving and un-affectionate and is quite blunt and snappy. She is really quick to call others out but would react terribly to criticism. She doesn’t have many friends and is quite happy to be alone. Deep down, I see her, I think. She is fun to be around at times, she can be compassionate (in a very dry way) she is sometimes protective and can also be generous so she isn’t a terrible friend. I am aware of her vulnerability and have no doubt she is lonely and in being one of her very few friends, I care for her and have a deep sense of responsibility.
She knows and has met my other friends, and recently we all went away together. Whilst away, she snapped at one of my friends, was very dismissive, manipulated the activities to suit her and made no secret that she was bored. She also mocked me and didn’t have a kind word to say the entire time. She left suddenly a day early, and made her own way home and I haven’t heard from her since. The reason we went away, was for my birthday and is the first time I’ve ever done anything so lavish for myself. I felt really sad and embarrassed and her behaviour really hurt me. It was almost as though she didn’t have the time or desire to stay and tried to sabotage the weekend.
Thing is, I am always there for her, checking in, looking after her, championing her and I realise, and have done for some time, aside from rare attempts to make me feel appreciated, that it’s not a two-way friendship.
I hate confrontation and am no good at it. I often back down and am so forgiving or get very emotional and unable to express myself. I know that eventually she will get in touch, there won’t be an apology, most likely excuses and probably even jokes made at my expense and I want to be ready so I’m not walked over again. I’m not assertive at all and have recently been manipulated by another friend which was complicated. Ironically, the two ‘friends’ dislike each other, yet seem so alike.
I don’t think it will be easy to just cut her out, we live in a small town and our paths will cross, I also feel sad that I’m faced with losing another friend but I genuinely can’t believe how far she took it this time. My friends have insisted she’s bad news and I should break it off with her and I’ve told them I will. But then I feel sorry for her again and try to convince myself she doesn’t mean it. I have a lovely handful of good friends and am very sociable with others, but I do keep my circles small, and truly believe in working at friendships.
After being manipulated so recently by someone else close to me, I’m feeling very vulnerable and guarded and wonder if I might be taking out my frustrations on my friend for that too, but then I have moments in feeling like this might be time to call time.