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You all hate me

28 replies

harman · 12/02/2008 21:12

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Ags · 12/02/2008 21:18

Hi Harman, what age is ds?

alwaysdoingfavours · 12/02/2008 21:19

do you think he's attention seeking?

rantinghousewife · 12/02/2008 21:20

What age?

hecate · 12/02/2008 21:21

My ds1 is doing this atm. click here

Some good ways to deal with it on that thread.

hecate · 12/02/2008 21:24

on that thread it was more I hate you than you hate me, iyswim, but good advice for both on there to be nonchalant and counter with a simple "I love you" and not go ott with it.

At the end of the day, it's manipulation and you can't submit to it.

springlamb · 12/02/2008 21:26

How desperate for you. Have no real experience in these matters, but really do feel for you. These may be silly suggestions, but they are practical things you could be considering doing.
How old is he?
He must be exhausted tonight, perhaps some calpol and get into bed with him for a while - it's not an ordinary day.
If he's very young, it's been a long half term, perhaps a duvet day tomorrow and a bit of a walk and talk just with mum - if it's at all possible.
Valentine's day Thursday - perhaps some cards from you and sisters and a special breakfast, centred around him.
Is it half term next week? Throw in some stuff you know he's good at to boost him up, perhaps meet up with one or two of his friends to do something different (ie that he stands a good chance of being best at).
Check with teachers there's nothing happening at school that might make him question his own worth. If there is, insist on it being addressed immediately.
But if no change after you've tried to boost him up and still no reason why this has developed, you must talk to GP.
Probably no use at all, but I've just started a major ego/confidence boost with dd(6), and kind of understand how you must be feeling tonight.

harman · 12/02/2008 21:27

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springlamb · 12/02/2008 21:31

Cross-posted with a few.
Wouldn't class myself as a 'bleeding heart' but I must be reading this post in a different way to everyone else.
I do believe young children can suffer crises of confidence for a number of reasons, and do believe sometimes it needs to be addressed.

harman · 12/02/2008 21:32

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harman · 12/02/2008 21:34

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Vacua · 12/02/2008 21:37

is play therapy via CAMHS?

I don't think it sounds manipulative, it sounds like an unhappy little boy - not that the two are mutually exclusive of course

springlamb · 12/02/2008 21:44

Sorry to say, I found play therapy of no use when ds now 13 went through it some years ago for a sleeping issue. I too found that the problem worsened during it. I think the results really depend on the skill of the therapist. One wrong move and a young child could end up believing quite the wrong thing.
I'm sure many children have benefited enormously from it, but perhaps those of us with overly perceptive, overly analytical children ought to look elsewhere.
I do think he sounds very unhappy and you must keep along the professional routes to discover why and how to change this - and it can change.
However, there are many things you can do as a family enlisting the help of your mum and his older siblings in just stabilising and boosting him.

avenanap · 12/02/2008 21:49

Hi Harman. can I suggest that you go to the thread, I think my 8 year olds depressed (or on similar lines to this). He wouldn't be a bright boy by any chance?

cadelaide · 12/02/2008 21:50

Harman, ds (8) is going through something very similar atm.
His self-esteem is at rock-bottom, he is tearful and he flies off the handle at the slightest thing. He is unhappy at school and is anxious about it, he finds the teachers scarey.He has started complaining of tummy aches in the morning, I am due to see his teacher about it all tomorrow.
We also get the "you all hate me" stuff as he storms upstairs and it makes me feel sad, I think that is what he is really feeling at that moment. I would love to build his confidence but we don't seem to be succeeding. Like your ds, he has always been sensitive and emotional and it has taken me a long time to appreciate that what seems over-the-top to me is very real to him.
So, no advice but you're not alone

harman · 12/02/2008 21:51

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cadelaide · 12/02/2008 21:58

Sorry for hijack, any chance of a link to that thread avenanap?

avenanap · 12/02/2008 22:04

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/67/473273?stamp=080212101000

I think I've done this ok. I'll post a message on it so it will come up on the active conversations board.

Vacua · 12/02/2008 22:05

we are finally getting the help we need through CAMHS, after quite a long time of the one-size-fits-all family therapy, art therapy and (it's a different situation so don't be alarmed!) hospitalisation

I (painfully ) relate to the focus on own failings as opposed to putting real effort into what is troubling your child and how best to support them

I've learned to be assertive about what is and is not helpful, and they are much more flexible about what they are prepared to offer and the 'we cannot treat a child in isolation without considering the situation within the context of the family as a whole' thing has settled into a realistic and workable approach

suspect this is of little practical help but wanted you to know you're far from being alone

rantinghousewife · 12/02/2008 22:10

Ds went through bursts of behaviour a bit like this when he was younger, he also seemed to be enraged quite a bit too. It tended to coincide with his growth spurts (he grew a lot) could this explain it a little bit, too.
We would have periods of calm in between though.

harman · 12/02/2008 22:14

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avenanap · 12/02/2008 22:18

Why were you concerned when he was 18 months old? Did he meet all of his milestones? is he bright? Has he told you why he feels like everyone hates him? What are the triggers? What measures are you already taking? Which ones work? which ones make his behaviour worse? Does he have friends at school?

harman · 12/02/2008 22:34

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avenanap · 12/02/2008 22:53

I should tell you about me before I answer this, I may be qualified, I may not. I may be off key by miles. I have done child psychology at Uni (not a degree though), I spennt 2 years trainig as a paediatric nurse, with some time working wth children with special needs and mental health problems. I also have a gifted child who has had anxiety and depression caused by school.
It sounds to me like he's a very sad little boy and he's behaving this way out of sheer frustration. If he's unable to write and do things like the rest of his class, he's going to find this incredible frustrating. You say that everyone hates him because they just do, he's reacting to this. Everyone, adults, children, all need to feel as if they belong, as if they are wanted and loved. It's a balance, if they don't feel like this then it upsets the balance and this is when people and children start to feel that no one cares for them. This is a downward spiral and I think this is very dangerous because in the long term the effects can destroy that relationship and every relationship that this person has. It looks to me (although please remember that I do not know your family nor do I know the complete picture) like your family has excluded him to such an extent that he's unable to cope. You really need to do something about this. I would contact your GP about some family therapy. Perhapse the play therapy isn't working because this is what he wants at home, for people to play with him. If the rest of his family are not interacting with him he's probably feeling very alone. You need o talk to them all, you need to work together and make him feel included and part of the family.
With some children, if you ignore their bad behaviour they feel like you are ignoring them, which is not going to help him. He's getting worse because he's becoming more and more unhappy. Do you spend time with him alone? does he still behave like this when he has your attention and you are showing him that you care and that he's important? It's a good sign that he has friends at school, the crying is his way of showing how miserable he is. This is going to sound really silly but have you tried cuddling him and stroking his face to calm him down? I'm sorry to be so blunt, I lived in a family like this, I have worked with families like this. I may be totally wrong.

Limara · 12/02/2008 23:16

Hi, it seems as though your ds is jealous of you dd and he just cannot snap out of it. IMO, he wants your attention and nobody else's. Difficult with 4 kids I imagine. From what I can sense, he knows his behaviour is making others miserable and in return it is making him miserable, he feels it.

Bless him, good luck ok. I struggle on a daily basis with my ds, extremely challenging but love him to bits.

harman · 13/02/2008 10:44

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