single parent dilemma

[kittycat]

Where do I start. My daughter is 19 months, when I found out i was pregnant it was really a question of why not - I wasn't in debt and mentally stable - the only reason not to have had my daughter would have been because it would have interfered with my social life. The man in question I had known for many years (always had a crush on him) and we finally got together after many many many years. His reaction was not what I had expected and we parted company. He was separated and had no children. At this time my mum was seriously ill with cancer, so with the help of my sister we both managed to look after her and I after myself. My sister had been my rock! She was there for the birth. My contact with the sperm donor (doesn't really deserve the name father yet) has been pleasant, he's been to visit a couple of times but there's no real sense of involvement from him. I need to know who he is so I can feel reassured if anything happened he could be involved in her life. I had a light bulb moment the other day "I have nothing to lose for my daughter only something to gain" and should just tell him like it is. I get the feeling his reluctance is a financial thing and his independence. I'm also worried that I may mess the line of communication up for my daughter. What can i say I'm a cancerian.

Anyone else in the same boat/been there, seen it.

I'm doing well by myself. Sadly my mum died, I still miss her very much, I live on a very tight tight budget, but have a home and job and food on the table and a great nursery. But myself not having my biological father around did make a difference. I was aware of the different relationship between myself and my stepfather. Sorry to babble. Hope my question comes across clearly.

Let me know your thoughts.

Where do I start. My daughter is 19 months, when I found out i was pregnant it was really a question of why not - I wasn't in debt and mentally stable - the only reason not to have had my daughter would have been because it would have interfered with my social life. The man in question I had known for many years (always had a crush on him) and we finally got together after many many many years. His reaction was not what I had expected and we parted company. He was separated and had no children. At this time my mum was seriously ill with cancer, so with the help of my sister we both managed to look after her and I after myself. My sister had been my rock! She was there for the birth. My contact with the sperm donor (doesn't really deserve the name father yet) has been pleasant, he's been to visit a couple of times but there's no real sense of involvement from him. I need to know who he is so I can feel reassured if anything happened he could be involved in her life. I had a light bulb moment the other day "I have nothing to lose for my daughter only something to gain" and should just tell him like it is. I get the feeling his reluctance is a financial thing and his independence. I'm also worried that I may mess the line of communication up for my daughter. What can i say I'm a cancerian.

Anyone else in the same boat/been there, seen it.

I'm doing well by myself. Sadly my mum died, I still miss her very much, I live on a very tight tight budget, but have a home and job and food on the table and a great nursery. But myself not having my biological father around did make a difference. I was aware of the different relationship between myself and my stepfather. Sorry to babble. Hope my question comes across clearly.

Let me know your thoughts.

Kittycat, well done, sounds like you're doing really well. You're right, you do have everything to gain and nothing to lose by trying to get your ex to be involved in your dd's life. If that's your question, and I'm not sure if it is? Ummm and he should be helping financially, he has a moral and legal obligation there IMO whether he likes it or not. No time to write more now but may another day. Sorry about your mum. Welcome to mumsnet.

I am a single mother and although I do get some help from ex I wouldn't say that it is always worth it! Reluctant fathers aren't the best of fathers and maybe it is worth waiting until you can give your daughter a really nice step father rather than a father who doesn't want to know her or get involved
There are no hard and fast rules but I think that as mothers it is easy to romanticise a father's role because in some ways we are biologically programmed to want a father for our children- but this ideal may not necessarily be the best in the long run.
Having said that my daughter does love her father and he loves her in his own way, but i do worry that he will disappoint her in the long run and I will feel responsible for that in some way...
I guess you can never win!
PS Good luck with everything and sounds like you are doing a great job

Thanks for the recent replies. He has helped me with a few bits that needed doing around the house and that's it. Our conversations are always about general things, no questions about dd or her future.

Anyway even if I don't get financial help, my main point which I want him to do is have his name on the birth certificate. I hate the fact of the blank space as if I don't who the father is (when I applied for benefit,after maternity pay stopped - they spoke to me as if I was a teenage who had a one night stand and couldn't remember his name - anyway that's another story. I kinda have the feeling that he will feel that this is a major acknowledgement as he's been very secretive about why he decided to visit. I think he may have told certain members of his family. London is such a small world and I think it would be best to be able to know the other side of her gene family.

As I said in my previous note, there is nothing to lose only something to gain and I plan to let go all the questions I have (if anything to have this sense of spring cleaning!) before the new year and to move in whatever direction the answers take me.