Does anyone else have a widowed mum?

[Mercy]

My mum has been a widow for over 20 years now.

How does your mum cope with being alone? (I don't think mine is atm which is why I'm asking)

my mum was a single parent for 12 years (until I was 18) and has been alone for 22 years after that. She is very very needy. She has lots of pets but is moving to be close to me as my brother and sister have escaped abroad.

Hi

My mum has been a widow for almost 12 years. She is getting worse as she gets older. Things she would always have done herself she now panics about.

In what way does yours not cope?

Not a widowed mum, but a widowed father who is coping less well now he approaches 70.

Think it is different sometimes for men, as different things will phase them as opposed to women. He has no idea of food hygene - I'm not one to be fussy, but things like milk, scotch eggs and sausages should go in the fridge, no? But things like blocked drains and missing slates off roofs are fine and he deals with them really well. Is it different for widows?

I lost my dad 7 weeks ago and we are probably all still in shock and my Mum is also still coming to terms with being a 'widow'. I live very close to her and we are a very close extended family. But no matter how many grandchildren, brothers, daughters there are coming round to see you etc. it still can't bring my dad back. And I know that she is really struggling in the night times being on her own. I had hoped that may be that would get slightly easier in time for her... (But maybe it might get worse?) Is that your experience with your mums/dads? and is there anything that would help...?

Well, most of the time she is very independent, vehemently so, but she is going through one of her (admittedly rare) phases of saying she can't cope with the worry of being old and looking after herself and her house. She has been dropping hints that she wants me to look after her.

I think what hasn't helped is that her cousin died unexpectedly quite recently and one of her closest is abroad for 2 months.

My mum is 67 btw and in pretty good health but sometimes seems to want to be 80 (iyswim)

same as onlyaphase my dad has been on his own for almost 16years, he is nearly 76 and is geting very forgetful and is a real worrier. Have tried to get him to move nearer but he has lived in the same house since 1962 and he thinks it would kill him to move! He has no social life ..it makes me very sad coz I think it would be so different if my mum were still alive.

My mother has been a widow for 4.3 yrs now. She is very (VERY) stalwart in character and has coped admirably considering that she was married for 57 yrs ...but she's the sort of person who likes to be in control and never 'needed' anyone for anything (which can be difficult in a different way!!) Mothers eh??

Now she is in her eighties though she is physically very frail if not mentally (although she has suddenly started to get security conscious and worries about someone breaking in at night). She lives five minutes away from my sister and there are family negotiations going on at the moment about whether she will move in with them /whether will buy a house with a separate annexe etc ...

Is this a recent thing Mercy? How has your mum coped previously? It's a worry isn't it ...

Josben - I'm very sorry for your loss. 7 weeks is no time - it doesn't really get easier but you do get more used to it. Would your mother consider a pet as company?

Mercy - I have a widowed stepmother (mother died when I was a teenager). My father died very suddenly nearly 5 years ago and she's never really got over the shock. Plus, she'd never even written a cheque before - all the practical stuff my father dealt with. There is lots of panicking about insignificant things - she feels constantly busy but in reality does very little, given that she is fit and well. While she does live alone, she has lots of family nearby (big Irish extended family), so lack of company isn't the issue.

Oh sorry - x posts -

My mother has definitely been affected by recent deaths in the family and has been fretting about looking after a house that's too big for her.

Do you think your mother could be depressed Mercy or has just lost a bit of confidence?

(She sounds like my ma btw re: the vehemently bit!!)

josben Sorry I was still tyipng when you posted.

I know it's a cliche, but time is a great healer - but it can take a while- months, even years. 7 weeks is so very recent, emotions will be all over the place and very raw.

Best wishes to you and your family

My mums has been a widow for ten years and relies totally on me and my sisters for most things..I wish she would be more independent shes 69 and in good health ..I get what you mean Mercy about her seeming to want to be old and looked after..I dont begrude helping her at all but I always felt she could do more for herself if she wanted to..

Sincere condolences Josben (I'm sorry - I didn't read your post properly)

7 weeks is very soon - it's still a real shock - it does get easier with time or perhaps one just learns to live with it better. It's great your mother has such a large extended family around her.

my mum ahs been a widow for nearly 22 years and for the first time ever I heard her say something about getting old/not coping recently and it shocked me.

We've(me and my sibling) known for a long time that she's not coping as well as normal, she's been ill alot recently but won't rest or slow down but to actually hear it from her was quite a shock.

She's 66.

She works as a dinner lady atthe local primary school. the school is awful, and the parents send the kids to school with god knows what illness so because my mum has been ill she lands up catching all sorts of bugs and stuff. I've told her 100000's of timesshe needs to retire to improve her health but she won't.

my dad died over 30 years ago,when my mum was 7 months pregnant with me and my sister was 3.5.
she has always just got on with it,never really spoke about my dad,just tried her best.
since my sister and i left home my mum has been a total workaholic though.she is 64 this year and running herself into the ground(IMO).i dont think shes been coping too well since my nan died last summer-my grandad died in 2004 and my mum had been either working or doing things for my nan since then.

its a shame she lives 350 miles away as she has plenty of grandchildren who could keep her busy

sorry, me and my siblings, I've got 2.

not a widowed mum but a widowed dad here - also very recent (my mum died 9 weeks ago )

my dad is really struggling but trying to muddle through as best as he can. He's only 60. He can't sleep and says he feels terribly lonely when he comes home from work, he's not eating properly either and looks all haggard.
He comes to stay with us whenever he can and seems to just count down the days to that really - he's here now and every day for the past couple of weeks he'd tell me how many more days now until he's coming over...

Thankfully he has decided to get a dog - it'll do him good. And I have managed to convince him to not sell the house for now, phew!

Sorry to hear about your mum geekgirl

And I'm sorry, I should have put widowed parent in the thread title.

Countingthegreyhairs, yes I think she may be a bit depressed actually. It doesn't help that she lives nearly 200 miles away from my brother and I (her choice) so we can't just pop round and see her on a regular basis. I think I'll phone her again later today and try to get to the bottom of it.

So sorry to hear of the recent bereavements . All I can say is that time helps - I have never really got over my Dad's death but I have learned to live with it iyswim.

My Mum is 59 and has been a widow for 15 years.

On the whole she copes marvellously well although her house is generally a shithole and needs a lot of running repairs.

She is increasingly talking of getting old and is doing things like installing drawstring curtains (she has big windows and huge heavy curtains) and talking about walk in showers as she feels she is getting too old to climb in and out of the bath.

My sister is just 16 and is the only one of us who lives at home (we also have two brothers, both like me in their 30's). My brothers and I all live from 50 to 200 miles away. I do worry about what will happen as time goes on as she has been unwell, she has a heart condition which is well managed at the moment but could well deteriorate as she gets older. Sooner or later my sister will move out (they don't really get on) and she will be on her own. This is all compounded by the fact that I am the only one in the family that can drive, although dsis will learn once she gets to 17, she won't be able to afford to run a car and also it's a lot to ask of someone so young to be Mum's taxi.

Lots of reasons for moving closer to home I suppose but dh doesn't want to move to that part of the country.

I think Mum will cope less well once dsis moves out in a couple of years. I don't think she realises how much dsis does for her and also having a teenager around keeps her young. Dsis will probably go to university so will be back for holidays (probably) but Mum will be spending a lot more time alone.

She is a teaching assistant and is planning to cut her hours once she reaches 60 but not give up completely. I think this is a great idea for now as it keeps her going, gives her a reason to get up in the morning and is social for her.

I wish I could live closer, or that Mum would move closer to her sisters so she would have company outside work. Neither is looking likely though and it bugs me.

Ramble ramble ramble ramble

Ramble way Tigerfeet!

It's hard to know what to do for the best really.

I'm sorry to read of all those who have lost parents, esp so young.

My mum was widowed over 9yrs ago and she has coped well. In fact, in some ways, she's enjoyed it, not having to think of someone else as she'd had to do from the age of 17, when her parents started to need her help. Mum is now 80yo and is going into hospital tomorrow for a hip replacement which we hope will restore her to full health.

My MIL was widowed 18yrs ago and she has coped well. We wondered at the time how things would pan out but it's been ok. She's 88 now and starting to get frail but is fiercely independent!

My sister, who is 61, was widowed four years ago (her dh was much older than her) but she has fallen into the slough of despond and has tried her family's patience to destruction point. Like Hassled's mother, she'd never got money out of the bank and her ds spent ages teaching her to use an Atm.

My Nana was widowed at 50 and had 26 years on her own. At the end she had had enough tbh.