Not invited on sister in law's hen do

[Alexa51]

So, I am not invited on SIL hen-do. We used to be v good friends but some recent tensions (non of which addressed.) There are several mutual friends going but I'm definitely not invited. It's awkward as my kids are going to be page boys etc and we're quite involved in the wedding. It's going to be awkward when I next see her. What do I say?

Who's doing the invites? Her or someone else?
Do you get on now?

To her: 'I hope your hen do went well - did you have a good time? When you've got a moment, let me know if there any changes to what you want the children to do on the day.' To yourself: 'Thanks for saving me all that £££ and effort and a hangover.'

@Gagagardener has it.

Agree with @Gagagardener

I wouldn’t say anything. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of thinking I’m hurt or feeling left out. Wait a few months and have a pamper night for you and the girls and don’t invite her. If she says anything you can bring it up then.

It's hard to say without knowing the context of the tensions tbh. You could either address them with her to try and clear the air and move forwards especially since you'll be in each others lives and at family events etc and as you say the kids are involved in the wedding. You can do nothing and just see how it all pans out and avoid the subject altogether. Or you tell her that you hope she had a great time (and mean it) that the kids are looking forward to being part of the day and to let you know what she needs them to do or if there are any changes she needs to make.

At the end of the day it's her hen and if things aren't great between you then I guess she didn't want the tension on the hen rather than you specifically. And to be fair you might have felt a bit miserable being away if things are tense too plus what you'd have spent on it etc.

Thanks for all the good advice. Really helpful. @Gagagardener that really made me laugh - can you sort out all my life problems now please? It obviously is best just to ask her if she had a good time and mean it. I find it a bit cringey as it means she acknowledges the tensions too but perhaps that is a good thing. It really all needs sorting out but I think to have a conversation would open up such a big can of worms it would only end up making me look bad before the wedding.

Not particularly in relation to this situation, but I keep thinking lately how funny it is that etiquette makes us not really say what we're thinking - someone can be really out of order to you, but most of us cover it by saying the opposite of what we're really thinking (often to show we're not bothered.) I've spent my life doing this and it really can create some simmering resentment. I'd decided to try and be a bit more honest with people if they have really upset me (not that most people do, to be honest)

I was really upset by the way two of my daughter's friends had been treating her (really badly and acknowledged by school - verging on bullying to be honest.) One of the mums is a friend so it has been really really awkward. It got to the point I was avoiding her (I was so upset I knew I couldn't actually speak to her.) I knew the adult thing was to speak to her about it so I really tried my best to do it in a non-confrontational way (she was fine at the time but is now blanking me.) I do understand why she's upset but its just left me feeling like however I approach things is wrong.

I'm a non confrontational person and I do really try my best to get along with everyone. You just get those people who are always making sly little digs (SIL has been doing it for years - the absolute queen of one-upmanship) I put up with things like this so as not to make a big deal out of them but end up getting soo pissed off. I've put up with this for years from SIL but she has wound me up to the point where I've started doing it back - hence the tensions. I know this is all so childish and petty but it is stressful.

@Alexa51 I stumbled on this thread by chance, but if it helps, I have two ways of thinking that help me to be a bit more assertive -

(1) think "what would a confident person do?"

(2) imagine you're talking to a waiter eg I'll have chicken please ie polite, clear and direct communication