friend constantly angry with children, should i say anything?

[FLOPSEYfairylightswithBUNNIES]

just wondered if any one had advice on how to handle this.
a friend is constantly putting her children down, she has two lovely girls ages 5 and 10, they are always told to shut up and are told that they are stupid and evil.
i find it disstressing and can already see how this is affecting the girls confidence. they are generally bright children but i wonder at the long term effects. should i try to talk to her, perhaps there is a way to approach this, she is quite an angry person all round really. thanks

Yes do say something, those girls would be too affraid to stick up for themselves.... she sounds like me with PMT....Every so often I need someone to tell me to calm down too. Sounds like she needs time out???? Goodluck....

Maybe something like 'Are you alright? You seem really fed up." or "kids getting you down?" - a sort of neutral comment to get her (ideally) to open up... It's a really, really tough one. I think calling your children stupid and evil (!) is really quite shocking.

I used to have a friend who was incredibly snappy and rough with her little boy, who was a bit over 2 at the time - she was pg - I tried to talk to her about it, asked if maybe she was fed up/depressed, and she bit my head off too. We lost touch not long after that, she was never a very comfortable person to be around.

Do you talk to her DH/DP at all, FB? (I'm assuming there is one.) Might you be able to gently mention to him that you are concerned?

yes, i find it shocking too, i know she's frustrated with her lot; missed opertunities, married too young etc but who isn't, we work around these things and get on with it.
i have been trying to encourage her to; do a course, look into marriage guidance etc, but no go.

Yes I think you should raise it with her too. When I first read the title of your thread I thought "oh no, its going to be about me as I've been shouting quite a bit recently but never ever insults at my kids just stuff like "hurry up, why are you always so careless/last ?" wchih is actually quite personal and hurtful but I would never say this stuff.

sounds like she's progressed to this stuff from somewhere further up the line but it needs to stop now. Kids are very good at internatlising what they hear and they will become "stupid" and start fulfilling her words be doing things considered "evil" if the person supposed to defend their corner thinks that this is all they can do.

i did wonder if i should give her a book i've read recently about self esteem and children, there's also a section on your own se and confidence.
i know her dh well and think he is not a good support to her although he is a good dad. he puts her down alot, so perhaps this is part of the problem. i feel that talking to him would be awkward, dont want to make it worse for her.

Yes you have to talk to her (even if the response you get is rejection and anger). Who is going to be an advocat for her powerless children otherwise? Personally I think they are being abused. It may be a mild variant, but nevertheless it is still damaging to them.

I am not being holier than thou since I am definitely not perfect mother material, and have called my children 'stupid' occasionally. But have felt great shame afterwards and immediately retracted it. I just feel very strongly about these poor kids

I think it depends on how close you are to this friend. If you have the sort of relationship where you are quite open with each other then I would personally sit down with her and open the conversation along the lines of "I'm really worried about you, you seem very stressed" and go to say that you know she loves her girls and probably doesn't even realise she's doing it (even if she does) but you are concerned that she appears to be taking things out on them. Only you know how she would react to this - if you think that she will just get very defensive then maybe not a good idea, but if she trusts you and respects your opinions then she may react positively. Good luck.

it's really difficult - I went on holiday with a friend and was quite upset by the way she spoke to her children, told them to go away, to shut up, that they were horrible. It turned out that she had certain stresses going on in her life which was kind of exagerating her normally quite brusque but not unpleasant nature. perhaps if you go for the neutral approach (how are you? etc) it might trigger a conversation about the underlying causes and you could help there - but I wouldn't recommend a direct approach, she probably feels bad anyway and she might just feel attacked and even more down, which wouldn't be constructive

Ive had to change my name for this one...i really wouldnt like my friend to see this. i found out that after one of her children swore, her bf filled the child's mouth with washing up liquid. i was so shocked and found this really cruel. she would never had allowed/done that before her bf came to live with her. he's not the child's father either. i know her kids can be naughty but this really distressed me.

Sorry.. haven't read al the posting yet.. but washing up liquid in a childs mouth is a form of child abuse. I think he should be reported. If it was me in your position i think i would have already tbh. Sorry if that seems harsh. Oh just read about the stupid and evil bit too. You should get on the phone to the NSPCC and report them, It is confidential and safe. The children cant speak for themselves and now you know about it all you really should speak out for them. xx

opps got 2 mixed up, but same still goes

theres one thing i will never do and that is call my children names or swear at them. i dont smack either but i think sometimes that verbal abuse can be worse. put a childs confidence down and it will affect them for the rest of their life. fact. dd is too young to be naughty yet and i cant say ive never shouted at ds because i would be lying, but i would never put him down. never. he has grown into a lovely child too, ive seen kids who have been sworn at all their lives follow on and get themselves into so much trouble at school because they swear at teachers. they dont know any better.

How awful. I have a friend who doesn't verbally abuse, but she smacks for nothing which I find really hard to watch and which really upsets my children who have been brought up to know it's wrong to smack. I haven't said anything to her because I know what I feel would not change anything. She was badly beaten as a child, so doesn't see what she does to her child as cruel at all. I have told her not to smack in my house and not in front of my children. I agree with poster with the long name underneath who said verbal abuse can be worse than smacking. I really would not know what to do. I would find it really hard to be friends with such people I'm afraid, but that doesn't help you. These kinds of people are normally quite self-righteous and there's little you can do I think.....:(

I now a woman who said the most awful and embarassing things in public about her teenage daughter. She was always running her down. The duaghter was our babysitter. Her mother, a regular churchgoer and charity worker seemed to have a mental block about her daughter. She was fine when she talked about other subjects. Very sad. I don't know how the daughter kept her temper. However the mother had suffered the death of her husband so that might have set things off - I didn't know the family before this happened. The daughter moved out as soon as she left school - she went to nursing college miles away.

hi there,

thanks everyone for contributing advice and heart felt stories of your own. i think it will be very difficult talking to this person, i feel she is so unhappy and there's little i can do to change that, but i do feel that i should say something, as some of you have said; who else is going to stick up for the kids.
it is always difficult to be a witness to some thing like this, even though on the scale of abuse it scores quite low, it still makes us angry and cuts us to the core. i will say something soon, next time i meet her, will keep you posted.