Racism and mind games

[Justmehere5]

I’m posting here as I’m at the end of my tether with a family member.
She has caused so much stress within what has been a close family and upset people.
To cut a long story short, she made some racist comments in front of some family and thought that was perfectly ok - to make it worse some if the family are mixed race.
On top of this she has played mind games and played people off against each other until caught out.
My folks are very nice and see the best in people and this has been taken advantage of as she charms them.
I’ve tried to communicate with this woman and her partner who is in complete denial to talk things through and try and make everything more positive but they ignore my messages or say there’s no problem. I just want things to be nice like they used to be for my family before she arrived. She has driven a huge wedge and offended so many people.

What would you do? I can’t really see what else I can do.

I don’t think you’ll get much advice with so little information. Can you give specific examples?

I’m presuming this is a new SIL? In which case, no you can’t make your family go back to how it was before she arrived, and it won’t help to try.

I won’t be too specific here. But it has been truly awful seeing people I love disrespected.
All I can say is that the N word was used along with other words.
I don’t think there is any harm in wanting harmony back in a loving family.
Why do you feel it won’t help to try?

i can understand you not wanting to be specific, it’s just hard to advise in such general terms. If the N word was used that’s truly awful and yes everyone should be upset.

I meant that a new family member will always change the dynamic, and it just isn’t possible to go back to how it was before. You need to work with the reality. Obviously that doesn’t mean accepting awful behaviour though.

Im white so not the right person at all to advise you how to move forward, hopefully others will be along to
help.

@withgraceinmyheart thanks for responding and I agree that the dynamic changes. Sometimes that can be for the better and my family are a pretty welcoming bunch.
But this lady has brought division, paranoia and now racism. I feel really sorry for my folks as they want everything to be nice but once words beginning with P and N have been used - I just can't see things being patched up especially when they played the victim when questioned about it.
I think I am just having a period of time for grieving for what was a close family.

I suppose I can say a bit more. I was once putting on a charity event and walked around the corner to see her really slating me to her partner. I hadn't done anything and thought things were fine. At that point I saw red flags but hoped a one off. Since then they have had get togethers and been very divisive only inviting certain members of the family. I have tried doing nice things for her kids but she never says thank you and I once had to drive one of them home in the pouring rain because she sent them over really poorly and then made excuses not to come and pick them up.
The only time she has ever posted a picture of me on social media it was of me in the middle of chewing some food (really horrible pic) even though there were lots to choose from and then she unfollowed just me on social media but still keeps commenting on other family member's posts. I asked several times had I done something but I got a cold reply that was ambiguous and that was it. Her partner will not respond about it either and kept some dignity by giving up.
I was very hurt though when we were invited over to a relatives a while ago and they turned up with faces like thunder. Turns out they weren't happy that we were there (at my own mum's birthday party) and as I was talking to her and she stormed off. Things got better later in the day but it was a weird atmosphere. He told my relative that she got fed up with people complimenting some work I had done. I didn't even ask them to and was asking her lots of questions about her life etc.

Her partner seems not himself around her and has lost any sense of humour he once had. But maybe he is happy - I hope so and really do wish him well.

We are not a family that live in each others pockets at all though are close if anyone ever needs anything, so I can't see that she feels overwhelmed by me. I used to be close to him as kids. Not anymore and that is fine - I just cannot get my head around this really odd behaviour and of course the racism.

You'll wish you never asked! :)