What do you do when DC is invited home by a child who's parebt you don;t really know?

[perpetualworrier]

DS1 has been on/off friends with a child at school and they have been talking about DS going to his house. I haven't had an approach from the mum, so it might never happen(not like me to worry about something that might never happen )

Anyway, they live accross town from us, in not that nice an area ( should that make a difference?). Mum is a little rough around the edges (god I sound a snob), but basically seems decent enough, although I haven't ever really go beyond a good morning type of conversation with her. I've never met her DH, or seen their house. Would you let yours go?

What if it was for a sleepover?

Or a party?

and I really should read back the title, not just the text.

I'd probably let him go for tea but no sleepovers until you're 10 in this house. I can't be arsed with worrying about them!

You don't say how old your ds is, but maybe if he is invited and it is after school you could offer to pick them up from school and drop them off so you have a chance to chat with the mum. You could always say that ds is not happy going to new houses for the first time unless you come too and then if you are happy (and he is)he can go alone in the future?

I would probably try to have more conversation with the mum and ask any friends if they know her. Would not do sleepovers until I knew the family really well - but my dd's are only 2 and 5.
HTH

I saw a mum I used to work for, handle this very well one time

when the mum approached her, she said "oh lovely, thank you, dd would love it - would it be ok if I came too, on the first occasion - I am a bit of a daft worrier and it would put my mind at rest if I could be there the first time."

I didn't feel anyone would have taken offence at this. Of course it does rather depend on how old your ds is?

LOL just realised - this invitation was for a playdate, not a sleepover

LOL at thought of mum saying "can I come too?" on a sleepover

I think I'll strike first and ask the boy here, that way at least I get to know him and mum a bit better before any reciprical invite.

It's always puzzled me a bit that we are so careful about people who come into contact with our children if it's their job, but not otherwise. At my both my DS's 4th birthday parties, parents I really didn't know left their Dc's with me for 2 hours. I stayed for the 4th parties, but have left them at houses where I didn't know the people very well for 5th & 6th parties. Should I have worried more?

Depends on their age ... but I would not be happy with DS (7) going to anyone's house where I'd not been..
Reason is, yesterday one of DS friends mums told me her daughter has recently been sexually abused by someone she knew. At the time I was worrying about the girl (sounds like it was fondling at worst and the girl told her mum straightaway thank god) but now I suddenly realise DS has been to their house for a playdate.. that man could have been there.

Ironic thing was, when I picked DS up from there I wasn't happy because the house smelt of smoke and they have a dog, so haven't encouraged the friendship..didn't notice the paedo friend hanging around.

See this is what puzzles me choccypig. You could have known the mum really well, but you'll never know who else will be there.

If it's a playdate, gawd yes.

I like F&Z's suggestion. If someone took offence at that, then I would not want my DC visiting them anyway.

I would not let my DCs sleepover at a stranger's house, and let's face it they are strangers to you. I would be much too frightened of a situation like Choccypig described.

How horrible for your friend and her DD, Choccypig.

Sleepover, no way. Playdate if I could come.
You do sound like a bit of a snob tbh

Why not invite the child and the mum round to yours after school for an hour? The kids can play, you can have a coffee and get to know the mum and you'll feel happier letting your son go round theirs and I'm betting she'll appreciate getting to know you so she doesn't have to worry when her DS is at your house.

I agree with you kindersurprise. Imo opinion, sleepovers are for cousins or friends of the family, not on/off school friends, but they seem to be all the rage here.

Kbear sounds very reaonable. No sleepovers until at least 10.

I have invited DS's friends round for tea (he's 6) but I always invite the mum too (I say "I realise you don't know me from Adam, why don't you pick up your child from school yourself and come round to ours for a coffee and see how they get on").

Alot of my concerns with after school visits is the car seat/seat belt thing. DD once went home with a friend and her mum put one seat belt round the two of them. That was the last time she went in her car. I always say, how about I meet you at the gate with his booster seat and then they can say if they have a spare or not and they know that I expect him to be in a car seat.

I don't think it matters what end of town you come from either BTW! Get to know some of the mums of the kids in the class, make it your mission to strike up a conversation, and then you will feel better about your DS going round for tea.

It comes down to you have to make your own judgement.
I was quite surprised at one mum who was happy for me to take friend home after first play date.. I always want to pick up myself the first time, if only to get a nose of the other person's house. Once we get more friendly I often take them back as I've only got the one, and I can see it's tricky to pick up if it means leaving or brigning the others.

Why not just make the first move and invite the child over with the mother so you can get to know her better? If the answer to that question is that you can't manage to keep your child and a friend playing happily while you try to entertain an adult at the same time, you will then see why you shouldn't go and inflict yourself on another mother on a spurious excuse just to establish her suitability.

In answer to the "what if" question, I'd just accept the invitatation. What exactly are you afraid of? Whatever it is, is it really more likely to happen on the rough side of town? And would you be able to spot it during a chat over coffee with the other mother? If you're genuinely nervous over how your child will get on on the playdate, just keep it short. If you're concerned that your child will see that others don't live in quite the same way as you, then you're being a bit precious. Do you not see that hanging around to suss out the other mother and her house under the pretence that your child is shy and may not settle is as subtle as a brick? People who live on the wrong side of town aren't all thick, you know...